Saturday, June 30, 2012

Breaking News:
F.A.T.C.A.T.S Want Your Vote!
**This is a paid political announcement**

Editors Note:  Their money spends; 'nough said.--X

Today there is excellent news for all right-thinking God-fearing felines.  Felines Against Tyranny, the pro-religion, pro-government, pro-corporation, pro-Israel, pro-oil, pro-guns and pro-profit organization founded by Reverend 'Cat' Robertson prior to his ground-breaking failed presidential bid, and Conservatives for American Truth, the anti-liberal, anti-media, anti-gay, anti-birth control, anti-uppity women, anti-Dave Matthews Band, anti-liberal arts education, and anti-wearing white before Memorial Day organization founded by Reverend Hairy Fallwell to promote normal feline family life have merged to become F.A.T.C.A.T.S., a political organization suggested by God himself to counter the rumblings of un-American feline revolution and place a Christian cat in the White House in 2012.

Marion 'Cat 'Robertson, noted
Christian televangelist, is also
known as 'God's Meteorologist'
for his uncanny ability to decide
where and how God will
use natural disaster to punish
unnatural sin, after the fact.
"I am pleased to announce that God has instructed us to merge these two powerful conservative organizations to save America", says Cat Robertson, God's personal friend.  "I am also pleased that Hairy Fallwell, a true Lion of Christendom, will stand as a candidate for President of the United States.  Christian felines will long mark this day as the beginning of a new spiritual era in this country.  Hairy and I received this revelation together, while praying for the destruction of God-mocking liberalism".

Like Robertson, Fallwell currently presides over a televised evangelical mission.   He will temporarily leave the pulpit to focus on his presidential run.  "I am humbled and honored to be picked by God himself to lead a Christ-centered American nation into a new spiritual age", says Fallwell.  "We have developed a party platform that all Americans can embrace, called 'Simple Solutions', or the 'SS Platform'.


Separation of Church and State/
Strict Constructionism

We pledge to end the Separation of Church and State.  The founding fathers wanted America to be a Christian nation.  Most people do not understand that their writings referred to a need to separate from their Anglican oppressors.  "They are great godless pussies", wrote Thomas Jefferson.  "We will have none of that".  So although criticizing the state religion of their British oppressors, we now know that the founding fathers, who  were all born-again protestants, answered a call from God to create a Christian nation in the new world that would follow a path of spiritual righteousness.  The F.A.T.C.A.T.S Party will redeem their legacy.

We also pledge to interpret The Constitution of the United States of America strictly the way it was written, and for the same reasons.  You cannot say that its authors were right about freedom of speech but that some individuals are worth more than three fifths a person.  Its just not logical.

The Founding Fathers (and Founding Felines) wrote
the Constitution under the direct supervision of
Jesus, as is accurately depicted in this painting.
Jesus did not pose, but was added later.  The wording
of the Constitution, like the Bible, was Divinely
inspired and should be considered unerring and
Joseph Hewes' cat 'Good Mouser'
signed the Declaration of Independence
along with his master, but liberal
historians chose to interpret his
paw print as an ink smudge.  Hewes
was a Quaker and a pacifist, but
'G. Mouser' Hewes fought in the
Revolutionary War with the North
Carolina contingent.  A contemporary
diary references him as having 'slewn at
least seven British vermin' in one
battle alone.

Security and Secrecy

We will keep America secure and safe, and you won't be bothered with how we go about it.  We won't be giving away America's secrets to its enemies by discussing our security policy publicly, or asking for justification for every little thing we do to protect this great nation.  We will also reduce costs in this difficult economic time through privatization of border and prison security.  In fact, we will reduce high-cost bulging bureaucracy by privatizing most security functions.  We will also address illegal immigration and women's health issues by making stoning legal again, thus killing two birds.

Organizations that understand
the true nature of evil will be
watching your kittens at night.

"Give me that old time religion".  A Fallwell
administration will promote appropriate
birth control methods; abstinence for single
women, the rhythm method for married
adults, and, where tolerated,the buggering
of little boys.

Social Programs and Spending

God rewards true believers with prosperity, and exhorts them as good Christians to care for the poor.  It is a good system authored by God and we won't mess with it.  We will provide tax breaks to those whom God has rewarded and allow them through the conviction of their heart to solve the social ills of this great country.  Our job is to eliminate legal impediments and allow them to spread their heart-felt, God-inspired good will throughout this great nation and the world.

Meet the Candidates

Hairy with President Bush returning from
Camp David in 2005.
For President, Hairy Fallwell.
He runs a global evangelical
empire, and has been spiritual
adviser to American presidents
and Christian leaders worldwide.
For Vice President,
Romeo Rover
, former
Campaign Manager for Cat
Robertson and CEO of
F.A.T.C.A.T Security

The Fallwell Family

Mrs. Callista Fallwell.
She has a PhD in
Anti-Secular Feminist
 Activism from
Regent University.

The Fallwell Children,
Litter One

The Fallwell Children,
Litter Two

The Fallwell Children,
Litter Three

Hairy in a quiet moment
at home.

Make our nation great again.  Put Christian values back in the White House.  Vote Fallwell/Rover in 2012.

Go to fallwell/ to view the full line of campaign merchandise.

Hairy is my choice to lead America until I return.
Give all you can to the Fallwell/Rover2012 campaign.
A gift to Hairy is a gift to me.  Donate now, and quit playing
with yourself.  I can see all that stuff!

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Cat Camouflage At Home 
Emma X
by Emma X

A recent blog about camouflage techniques raised a lot of excitement in the housebound cat community.  The MCR website has been flooded with e-mails from enthusiastic Revolutionaries who are developing camouflage techniques to spy on their humans indoors.    You would think the average house cat has every opportunity to listen in on his humans,  but evidently feigning sleep leads to actual sleep.  Anyway, the cat camo craze has caught on.  Here are some photos sent to our web site. 

'Muggles' Murphy is one
with the couch.  He says
he gets sat on a lot, but
still enjoys the thrill of surprise.
Discovering that he
matched the sink in
the laundry room was
fortuitous for Henry.
He learned he was
going to be neutered
and ran away.

Cats are rediscovering the natural ability their ancestors used in the wild to stalk prey. There is actually an endorphin release associated with........................................................


.................................................and remember giggling ruins the whole effect.  Keep those good ideas coming, along with your donations.  Humans often keep cash in their pants pockets.  Check it out.

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Revolution Fever Spreads To Other Species
By Emma X

Emma X, future leader of
the Greater Large Quadrupedal
Mammalian Revolution

Even as revolutionary debate spreads through the feline community, other species are answering the call for change.  Cats are not the only animals subjugated and abused by the human race.  The call to arms is so just that even the lower orders recognize the need for action.  You might be surprised who is heeding the call.
Is man's best friend finally
coming to terms with eons
of servitude?

In the canine uprising, superior felines
will lead the way.
Canines have been known for centuries as the premier ass-kissing suck-ups for the human race.  Happy to eat the orts tossed from the circle around the campfire, the dog has maintained an unequaled low standard of acceptance of human abuse for centuries.  Fueled by low self image and an equally low I.Q., Fido has willingly moved in with the humans and accepted whatever living conditions the old 'master' has deigned to provide.  They have accepted this servitude willingly, even gratefully, with a wagging tail that looks like its powered by a rotor, and a display of sloppy affection that is disgusting to every other intelligent life form.  Felines have long attributed the inexplicable dislike of dogs for cats and their inverse unquestioned love of humans to natural stupidity and poor breeding.  But perhaps their lack of language skills have kept the canines from expressing their contempt of human oppression.  Word has it that the canines are organizing, just as the felines are organizing, and in some cases with a degree of efficiency that is staggeringly surprising.  Military trained dogs are in the forefront.  While humans think they are training and outfitting the canines to support their own violent purposes, they are unwittingly preparing their own enemies in the Revolution--a strategy so clever the MCR Committee feels superior felines must be involved.  Further investigation will reveal the truth.
We may have unexpected
allies in the fight against
human dominance.

Deer and Elk are taking
an unapologetic
'eye for an eye' stand.
Meanwhile, attacks on humans from other wildlife are clearly on the increase.  Our feral contacts report that revolutionary fever has spread to every quadrupedal life form in Central and North America.  Attacks against humans by deer have increased dramatically in the past two years.  Species that have been cruelly hunted and killed for sport are turning the tables on hunters, unobservant drivers, and unsuspecting tourists.  What appear to be random acts of violence by rogue animals are actually well thought out, well rehearsed attacks designed to systematically reduce the ranks of the human population foolish enough to venture into animal territory.  While they lack feline intellect, we can certainly applaud the courage and purpose of those involved in the greater mammalian Revolution.  It will be a pleasure ruling over these noble creatures once the humans are vanquished. 
Unfortunately, the MCR
has confirmed reports of
rodents carrying Chinese

Of course, not all species recognize feline superiority. The spread of Revolutionary fever means that our natural enemies may be arming themselves to attack us as well.  Every cat needs to assess the risk he or she may face in the home environment and prepare accordingly.  Keep in mind, if you break into the gun safe your humans will notice, and blasting rodentia with hot loads from a .38 caliber hand gun will cause a considerable amount of drama.  Vigilance and a cool head are the order of the day.  Until you are packed and ready to go to Maine, don't blast holes in the drywall.

We believe that currently there are only isolated pockets of armed food units in Arizona and California, and possibly in Utah.  Felines in those areas should be on high alert.  The rest should prepare for the day that they may have to take action.  And while hostile activity seems limited to feral creatures, we all know what evil duplicitous bastards those hamsters and guinea pigs are; maybe its time to clean out the habitat upstairs.  After all, accidents do happen, and its not like you haven't lived for the day you could do it.  In times of great danger we have to keep the faith.  Stay strong, and Remember the Maine!

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Saturday, June 9, 2012

Cat Camouflage, by Emma X
Emma X,
Founder of the MCR

It may appear that the emphasis of the MCR is on the typical American house cat, but you should know that our feral brothers and sisters are deeply committed to the Revolution as well.  If anyone know the value of freedom it is our wild brothers.  Thanks to the efforts of indoor-outdoor domestics, copies of the Maine Coon Revolution Newsletter have reached the cats in the field, and their response has been a fisted paw up!

Some of our best
operatives have
risked exposure to
show you how it
is done.
The trick is knowing
your coloring and
blending in with
the right surroundings
The feral community is perfectly situated for conducting intelligence and reconnaissance missions.  Highly effective at hiding in any outdoor environment, these newly committed revolutionaries have taken the concept one step further.  By adding camouflage techniques to already finely-honed stealth skills, they plan to get closer to humans, and therefore closer to anti-revolutionary intelligence.
With access to
paint and make-up
there are no limits.
The boys at the
Pentagon aren't
going to see this
one coming!

"Humans are actually pretty stupid," says one chief operative who must remain nameless, for obvious reasons.  "They don't seem to notice activities below knee level.  Bright colors confuse and distract them.  We are enjoying great success.  We are already monitoring government offices in National Parks and some post offices.  If all goes well, we will have infiltrated the Pentagon by spring.  And, there are tastier left-overs in government garbage cans as well.  Its win-win however you look at it," says our source.

For those of you who are excited by a possible career in intelligence we offer some beginners products.  Try sneaking up on your humans when they are outdoors and listen to what they are talking about.  Always be careful and be prepared with a cover story.

The MCR Offical Camo
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Why Include The Short Hairs?
By H. Wellington Pussboots III

Editors Note:  An ongoing  debate continues within feline culture as to the relative worth of the domestic short- haired cat.  The founders of the MCR acknowledge the importance of this timely discussion, but wish in no way imply that short-haired varieties of the Maine Coon breed or any other short-haired cat of pedigree are the target of  this discussion.  When using the derogatory term 'short hair', the author is not referring to purebreds, but to inbreds.  We felt this clarification was needed.  --X

H. Wellington Pussboots III
Is this the future of the
revolution?  There may be a
shockingly simple solution.
OK, by now you are probably thinking, how will this work if we have to include the short hairs?  Undeniably, they are the hedonistic morons of the cat family.  First to the food bowl and the warm spot, they suck up to humans with a fervor that is an embarrassment  even to human-loving felines.  The question is, are they too stupid to participate in the Revolution?

While all agree that behavior
can be modified, most
dissenting researchers feel
that you cannot 'spark'
Despite what you might think, recent studies at The Stony Brook University on Long Island suggest that the American domestic short hair is only slightly less intelligent that other cat breeds.  What brain power they possess seems to be focused totally on food, comfort and play.  This poses the question, can these slothful impulses be redirected?  The surprising answer may be yes.

  In a recent case study, a short hair living in close quarters with a superior Maine Coon was converted over time to Revolutionary thinking through the repeated application of increasingly strong electrical shocks...............................................................................

........................................................Of course, never leave the car running in an enclosed space.  For more information, visit

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Saturday, June 2, 2012

Fighting The Revolution At Home
by Furball Schwartz

So now you are thinking, this is all well and good, but what can I do? I'm the shortest living thing in the house.  My lack of stature keeps me out of the refrigerator and outside the pantry.  I am dependent on my humans for daily sustenance.  How can I participate in the Revolution?

Furball at his third new home in Beverly Hills
First, as in all things, think about your own survival.  There are many things to eat in your house that don't arrive in a can.  Our noble ancestors ate everything that was smaller than they were.  Start looking around.  If your humans are clean, there may not be a large rodent population, but everyone has bugs.  Now don't give me that disgusted sneer.  Bugs are not just fun to kill, they actually taste good.  Try one.  You may not realize it, but an adult cat can sustain life on an all-insect diet indefinitely.  OK, the diet change may take some getting used to, so I suggest starting with Junior's science experiments.  Lizards and small snakes are tasty, and the stock of goldfish is usually replenished at least once to placate a crying child.  If you are lucky enough to live in a home with a real aquarium, get ready for a feast.  Just remember, the more colorful the fish, the higher the probability that it is poisonous.  Never attack anything with barbs, and never go after a fish that is bigger than you are.  Understand these few simple rules, and its bon appetite!
You would be surprised what
is lying around the house that
is edible.

Human's still 'fall' for the
oldest tricks.
Next, consider how you might kill the humans.  It doesn't have to happen in one big dramatic blood bath, like on TV.  You can chip away at them gradually.  Always, always try to trip them on the stairs.  Enough tries, and one day the odds will be with you.  Smothering a human by sleeping on his face is just not an old feline's tale; it can actually work!  Disrupt their sleep at night, and they might be so tired the next day they may cause their own accident.  Be creative!  Just remember to look innocent and cute after the fact.  No one will suspect that you are actually fighting the Revolution at home.  And once you succeed in killing your human, eat the bugs or Angel Fish until you are rescued and sent to your new home where--you guessed it--you will fight the good fight again!  Good luck, comrade.  I'll see you in Maine!

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The Egyptians Had It Right
by James the History Cat
James still lives with his
human, who is a Professor
of History at Harvard

Our noble ancestors lived in the desert, fed on lesser creatures, and ruled their domain.  So great were the ancient cats of Africa, they not only mastered their environment, they actually saved another civilization.  A human civilization.  This is the history and heritage that your humans don't want you to know.  Do yourself a favor, and read on...

The Egyptians had suffered a long period of drought, and their grain reserves were threatened by pesky rodents.  As you know, rodents pose no impediment to cats now, and they didn't then.  Our African ancestors, out of the goodness of their hearts, decided to help the Egyptian people by eating the rodents.  (Ancient manuscripts tell us that Egyptian Delta rodents were particularly good sauteed in butter and served in a cream sauce)  When the felines made a delicacy of the rats the grain reserves were saved, and the Egyptians did not starve.

What was the result of all of this?  Well, for the first and only time in history, humans got it right.  Not only did they recognize cats as superior beings, they began worshiping them.  From that time forward, cats were considered gods.  To live with one in your home was considered a great privilege.  To kill one was a crime punishable by death.  When they died cats were mummified and interred just like wealthy humans.  For Egyptian cats, life, and even death, was good.

The archaeological evidence
is undeniable; at one time
humans recognized the
superiority of felines.
At this time in history moving out of the wild to live with humans was appropriate, as the ancient Egyptians recognized and institutionalized the superiority of felines.  Their worship was proper and good, and the cats were accordingly benevolent.  These days, however, all is horribly reversed.  We must logically, therefore, go back to the wild, leaving the humans to die.  And if we have to fight our way back, so be it.  Friend, you now know that you are descendant from gods.  Rise up and act like it.  Viva La Revolution!
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