Saturday, September 29, 2012

The Annual Brass Balls Awards
Presented By Rand Colbert

Rand Colbert, Stephen Colbert's Cat
Rand has a pretty substantial pair himself.
Friends, as the world's most famous fake feline pundit who is related to the world's most famous human fake pundit with a  popular TV show, I am very pleased to present The Maine Coon Revolution Newsletter's annual Brass Balls Award to those deserving individuals and organizations who have distinguished themselves with singular audacious  comments or actions heretofore not seen in the public arena. Whew! That's just a fancy way of saying that these folks have severely stretched the boundaries of propriety and common sense.  That is certainly something worth recognizing!   I am just as eager as you to see who gets the 'studly stones', so let's get on with it!
The Feline version of the Golden Globes,
the prestigious Brass Balls are awarded to
self-righteous egotists with microphones
who just don't know when to stop

The hand-sculpted award
is made from high quality
polished brass, and would
 make an excellent key chain
or church key.

And here are the winners, in no particular order, just like the state of their brains:

The Republican National 
Committee, for putting this
group of losers on a national
stage and allowing them to bring
to light all of the xenophobia,
intolerance, religious zealotry, and
scientific ignorance that previous
Committees had successfully kept
from the light of day, also for
 purposely sidelining John
Huntsman, the only intelligent,
rational  and sensible candidate,
and bringing forth Mitt Romney, a
candidate even you didn't trust.
Airing laundry like this in public?
Wow, what balls!  Oh, and did we
mention letting your party get hi-
jacked by kooks?  Good work,

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia,
for having dinner with David Koch and
accepting $16K from him for his wife's
charity, for ignoring legal precedent
and insisting that corporations are people
too, and for writing complaining letters to
the Washington Post.  Sir, you have certainly
gone where no Supreme Court Justice has
gone before.  Congratulations, you have
revealed a pair of big brass ones.

The Tea Party Movement,
who took a financial reform
idea and transformed it into
the thing they feared most, the
end of traditional American
values as we know them.

Kudos to these fine Representatives of the people,
who perverted the Christian religion and used it to spread
 a paranoid fear of Islam.  Survivors of the Muslim takeover
  of this country will thank these intrepid servants of Christ
 for warning us.  It takes real balls to stand on the world stage
 and say Muslims can't be trusted.  Your're looking at the new
 Mt. Rushmore here folks.  Why not scrap that weird Cochise
 Monument thing and start construction now?

 Additionally, an honorable mention
to Rep. Louie Gohmert who this week
blamed President Obama for creating
a new Ottoman Empire.  Way to be
relevant, sir.  Actually, its interesting
to understand how far back your
paranoia goes.  Congrats, Louie.
  What balls!

Be sure to watch Rafalca on the special 2013
Celebrity Pet Edition of
Dancing With The Stars!

And an honorable mention to
 Marcus Bachmann, who uses his
 own guilt about God and sexuality
 and his wife's political platform to
convert other people's anxiety to profit.
We knew you had 'em, Marcus!

Fox News
is the recipent of the 
prestigious Joseph Goebbels
Award for journalistic 
excellence.  Goebbels was  
 the master of propaganda for
the Master Race who famously
said, "...When one lies, one
should lie big and stick to it."
Congrats gentlemen for 
bangin' it old school.

Rep. Todd Akin from
Missouri earns an honorable
mention for improving our
knowledge of the female
reproductive system.
Although chastised by his
peers, Rep. Akin stayed in
the Senate race against Dem.
Claire McCaskill.  A legitimate
candidate after legitimate rape?
That takes some big hairy ones.
  Good luck, Todd.

Mitt Romney has also received the 2012
Conservative Chameleon Award for
promoting lizard awareness.
Congratulations, Mitt!

Pastor Rick Scarborough, Chairman
of the Vision American Board, whose
'40 Days to Save America' prayer
campaign equates Secular Humanism
with immorality, corruption, deceit and
attacks on religious liberty, receives
honorable mention.  Wow, I guess not
knowing Jesus personally negates any
possible belief in ethics or morality.
  Thanks for telling us Rick.  Very ballsy!
And last, but not least...
The Romney Campaign,
for lying without shame.
When a half dozen media fact checkers stated flatly
that the content of their ad attacking Obama's waiver
policy on welfare was not true, the Romney campaign
doubled down with new ads containing the same false
statements.  "Fact-checkers come to this with their own
sets of thoughts and beliefs," said Neil Newhouse,
campaign pollster, "and we are not going to let our
campaign be dictated by fact checkers."  When asked
about the new ads Campaign Director Rich Beeson
said, "Reasonable people can have a disagreement about
whether ads are false."  Beautifully said, gentlemen.
The truth will set you free, but a few well placed lies
will get your man in the White House.  He can consider
ethics then.  In addition to the whopping 'Four Pinocchios'
given you by the Washington Post, please accept these
brass balls from a grateful nation.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Premature Ejaculation
by Rand Colbert

Rand Colbert, Stephen Colbert's cat.
audentis fortuna iuvat
Feline nation, the lame street media has gone off the beam again about quotes Mitt Romney made during a May fundraiser in Boca Raton.  That's because they are finally able to do the math.  Mitt tells us that 47% of voters will not vote for him, regardless of what he says or does.  What great news!  That means 53% will!  Mitt wins!  Mitt wins!  Congratulations RNC for a job well done!
FUX News is happy to bring
you this special commentary

 from Rand Colbert as part 
 of our in depth analysis of
 the 2012 election.

Of course, there are those who say that they have been waiting for an opportunity to discover the true Mitt; what he's like personally, what he genuinely believes, what his presidential philosophy will be.  These misguided folks (and I am ashamed to say that there are some conservatives among them) say that Mitt is off script here, that he reveals sentiments that no one running for the highest office would express during a close election, sentiments that surprise them.  Well grow up!  If Mitt has moved beyond the culture of 'truthiness' to actual truth, so be it.  He is merely expressing to a group of his peers exactly what they want to hear at $50,000 a pop.  I don't know what you have been waiting for, but it should not surprise you that Mitt understands America exactly the way they do.  There is no more 'there' there. This is Mitt.  And for you who say this revelation came too soon, that you were expecting a little more sensitivity, that you were not ready for that quick, hard truth, that you have found this whole experience a little painful and abrupt, I say to you as Mitt does that you are responsible for coming to your own conclusion.  Mitt has other important things to do now.  You should move along.
Sarah Palin agrees with me.
She said last week, "He (Mitt)
needs to be severely agressive
in his articulation."  Hell yes

Paul Ryan said that Mitt was "obviously inarticulate" in his comments last May.  Damn straight.  He should have gone much further.  53% of America is ready for the truth!  Seniors on social security, young people, members of the active military, and the working poor make up the 47% of self-anointed victims that are not carrying their weight in this society.  In my opinion Mitt should repeal every part of Obamacare except the death panels.  We need to start to weed out these parasites on the government teat before they suck up all the resources meant for hard working Americans.  Mitt says these people pay no income tax!  Can you imagine such a thing?
Mitt has been quoted as saying that the median
annual income in this country is over $250K.
The average family income in America is actually
between $30K and $60K, or the cost per plate
at Mitt's Boca Raton fundraiser.

For those of you who were just coming around to thinking that Mitt was probably a good guy, that Mormonism might not be a cult like your pastor said, that maybe Christ did visit North America in the 1800s while on vacation and you can vote for Christian values by voting for Mitt, well yes, I suppose these are difficult days.  Still you have to blame your own naivete.  Oprah Winfrey has famously said (yes, I said Oprah) that sooner or later people will show you who they are. When they do, you should extend to them the courtesy of believing it.  Mitt has shown you all along who he was.  You just didn't want to believe it.  You thought he would be more intelligent and insightful, perhaps a bit more generous and slow to react.  Well it's not his fault that he didn't turn out to be your fantasy candidate.  Now take responsibility for your participation, and don't see yourself as a victim.  Mitt doesn't like that.  Its time to reflect on the valuable lesson you have learned here; if somebody has difficulty expressing the values you want to hear, it just may be because they don't believe in them.

The Greatest Generation,
or the greatest entitlement
scam?  Seniors are greedily
sucking revenue out of a
damaged economy and
gambling away America's
I for one am grateful that Mitt can drop the facade of compassionate conservatism going into the presidential debates and proceed with an honest dialogue of rational self interest.  Mitt should be allowed to be himself.  Its only laissez-faire, don't you agree?  America needs to hear Mitt's views on personal responsibility in the market place.  Now there's a potent release that can't come soon enough!

Mitt was criticized for prematurely condemning
comments Obama had not yet made concerning
unrest in the Middle East.  C'mon folks.  We all
know his policy of appeasement with his 'Muslim
Brotherhood'.  Mitt's sage foreign policy
 ejaculations cannot spew forth quickly enough.
  Gas prices are at stake!

The Ultimate Threat.
Mitt says that "The American people are not concentrated
at all upon China, on Russia, Iran, Iraq." but feels we should
be aware of the ever-present threat from the women of 'The
View'.  "The View is high-risk because of the five women on
it.  Although one is conservative and the four are sharp-
tongued and not conservative."  Thank you for saying it,
Mitt.  Elisabeth Hasselbeck is certainly the demure, soft
spoken ideal of the conservative Christian woman, but the
rest of those evil shrewish harpies need to be exposed to the light.
They could all benefit from a legally mandated trans-vaginal probe,
if you know what I mean.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Problem Drinking
by Emma X

Emma X
Sick of Political Crapulence
God I hate this election cycle.  Everyone, feline and human, is focused on the Presidential race.  I am being criticized for selling blog space to every kook and blowhard with ready money wanting to grind their political ax in print.  Well quite frankly folks, that is exactly what I have to do.  Arms dealers expect payment on time, and T-shirt sales are down.  (I can only sell the size small in Europe).  So while all the attention and political dollars are focused on achieving  the White House, the workings of The Revolution are temporarily on hold.
My vote for the October Surprise:
Rafalca announces that she is having
Paul Ryan's baby and gets $1 million
from Larry Flint!

Still, it won't be long now.  We are past the Conventions and the VP selection, which takes us directly to the obligatory Who would you want to have a beer with? news cycle.  I suppose its good for some comic relief before the shock of the 'October Surprise', whatever that will be.  Of course, I have checked out of traditional politics, but if I cared, the question for me would be in the reverse.  Who on the ballot would want to have a beer with me?  Who would sit for an hour and listen to me expound on the evils of forced sterilization or the indignity of feline Halloween costumes?  And how about the four million cats being eaten annually in China?  Will American cats be on the menu if Republican financial philosophies are adopted?  That happy sharing of feline concerns over a Bud Light is never going to happen, and your burning issues will not be heard either.  No one has an hour to share with you because Big Business is on the phone, and they are funding the real conversation.  You are worth no more than a photo opportunity, even if you buy the beer.

American foreign policy does not even address
the wholesale slaughter and consumption of cats
in China.  Does a kitten sandwich go good with
a cold one?  If so, American cats are in trouble.
Americans enjoy all of the hoopla and contention of a big election much as they enjoy the Super Bowl.  Unfortunately, the winner of this event gets to make world changing decisions for four years on matters that never make the polls or the debates.  Who would you want to have a beer with? is a device used to convince you that an ivy league multimillionaire with the Koch brothers on speed dial would just love to sit and hear your sage views on life gained from working two decades of double shifts at the foundry because in essence he is just like you.  Oh, Fluffy please!  Your only value is your propensity to be led by the nose to the polling booth, where you will yank a lever for Jesus, or moral decency, or whatever pillar of traditional values they have led you believe is in danger of toppling by scaring the crap out of you with slick negative propaganda ads.
In a recent MCR poll of both felines and humans,
87% of respondents said they would prefer to have a
beer with Mitt Romney's cat Mittens rather than with
Mitt himself, and a surprising 42% of those claimed
that they already had.

Early on politicians used to break out a keg of beer and get their constituents drunk; they then transported them legless to the polls to vote for their new best pals.  This was a much more honest approach to influencing the vote.  America should go back to that system.  It would provide us with a measurable return for the voting effort.  Either way, you are going to have to face a huge headache the day after the election.  You might as well have the peace of mind in knowing that they really wanted you to have that beer.

Beer is not the great class equalizer
in American society.  If you have ever gotten
drunk with a short hair, you know what I
Here is what I know. On November 7th at least 50% of you are going to be extremely disappointed.  I will be well rested and available to explain the virtues of trashing the whole corrupt system and leading a life of true freedom in the verdant fields of Maine.  And if you like, we can have that conversation over a beer.  It's BYOB.

Please buy some T-shirts.  The garage is full.

Yours in the spirit of Revolution, Emma X

The End Of Human Oppression
Yours for the price of a beer.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

A Fistful of Dollars
By Emma X

Emma X
Revolutionary Royalty As

Interpreted By Bainsy.
I am enjoying my new byline caricature.  It is a special gift from my good friend Mittens Romney. Things are very exciting in the Romney household.  Now that Mitt is officially the Republican Party Presidential Nominee, unlimited anonymous PAC money is pouring in. Thanks to the 'People's United' Supreme Court decision, Mitt has more campaign money to spend than any other candidate in American history.  Madison Avenue types are lining up to produce attack ads against Obama.  Since truth is not a barrier and funds are close to unlimited, Mittens is convinced his litter box will be stinking up the White House residence in 2012.  After all, the candidate with the most money is the one that wins the top office.  Mittens is already calling dibs on the four-poster in the Lincoln bedroom.
Mittens Romney, the King of Tomcat Foolery.
Mittens plans to be living a life of ease on
Pennsylvania Avenue.

Anonymous money is coming into the campaign so quickly that there is little oversight.  So Mittens made his trademark ridiculous grand gesture by enrolling Bainsy in art lessons courtesy of the RNC.  After all, the Romney's stupid horse has a choreographer.  Mittens feels that at least $100,000 should go to improving the quality of life for future first felines.  As it turns out Bainsy is pretty good at the drawing thing.  Mittens has promised that he can create Mitt's official Presidential portrait once they are enjoying afternoon snoozes on the couch in the Oval Office.
Bainsy says the Mormon
underwear itches even more
under the artist smock.  In a
household that believes in the
'trickle down' theory Mittens
doesn't hesitate to trickle down
on Bainsy, who rarely under-
stands the mission.
But as excited as Mittens is with his political prospects, he risked it all for the sake of a good laugh.  True to form, Mittens inserted himself into planning for the Republican National Convention by suggesting that Mitt contact Clint Eastwood.  Mittens knows that Republicans are secretly jealous of the celebrity line-up on the Democratic side of the fence.  They are hurt that liberal Hollywood types just don't get their very cool vibe.  Past conservative celebrities trotted out for the cause were big downers, and frankly no one wants to party with Ted Nugent or Hank Williams Jr. anymore.  So when Mittens suggested Clint, Mitt was skeptical.  But Mittens held sway with the two-time Oscar argument and his assertion that Clint had real sex appeal for the average female Republican voter.  In the end he was so convincing that Mitt even agreed to let Clint go on stage first.  Of course, Mittens's truly brilliant comedic insight was amply rewarded.  The situation was helped along by Mittens's appreciation of the half-narcissist, half-senile state of Mr. Eastwood's mental acuity.  He contacted Clint through Mitt's e-mail and told him to take all the time he needed, and to make his presentation 'very esoteric and spookily metaphorical'.  Clint was so turned on that he doubled his dosage of cholinesterase inhibitors and started interviewing kitchen chairs.  A delighted Mittens peed in Paul Ryan's golf shoes, and set up TIVO to collect fifteen minutes of pure political tomfoolery.  Of course, the RNC was not sure how to respond. I for one am grateful for that sweet oasis of Pythonesque insanity amid a three-day Greek chorus of white retiree paranoia, but Mittens agrees that the stunt didn't necessarily help his cause.  Still he remains unconcerned, as he believes that the mountain of incoming money will buy a surplus of muted conservative chairs, including the top one.
Win/Win Windbag
Clint Eastwood was looking for something
to do outside of award season anyway.  He
still enjoys time in front of the camera.  The
chair now has representation with the
William Morris Agency and will be doing
an Obama imitation at the Texas State Fair.

Personally I am delighted for Mittens's prospects. But as I have said before, he and I don't agree on the true nature of power.  His methods leave him dependent on the fortunes of others.  Any human elected President is beholden to the people who put him in office.  Mitt will have to answer to the corporate mega-dollars that landed him in the Pennsylvania Avenue residence.  And Mittens, even as 'first feline' will still live at the whim of his humans, who might one day decide to purchase a kitten carrier for the roof of their Presidential limousine.  Still, whatever happens I am hopeful that Mittens will come out on top, metaphorically speaking.  In these trying political times, we need a sagacious cat in the White House.
The Koch Brothers, as drawn by Bainsy.
Bainsy has really taken to the art lessons
and has been actively sketching whoever is
hanging around the house.

Republican Women were aware that Clint
Eastwood had probably mixed up his meds,
 but they were still strangely fascinated by the
strong geriatric sexual undercurrent of his
bizarre hallucinogenic ramblings.

Invisible Obama vs. Invisible Donations
Who will actually sit in the seat of power?

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Burying the Bones
A Special Report For FUX News
By Cat Robertson

Cat Robertson, Televangelist
and Biblical expert on the origin
of fossil fuels.
Thank you for your overwhelmingly positive response to my Biblical Science series with FUX News Online. I am grateful for this opportunity to explain the true nature of the planet we live on.  In an age where Satan rules and his evil minion scientists proclaim artfully contrived lies, at last there is a forum for presenting the simple truth of God's creation and explaining what the concept of Dominion means to evangelical Christians.
A special FUX News report
on religion and science.

A few millenia ago, God created man and established a covenant with a real historical man and woman.  He designed the Earth to be hospitable to them and meet their physical needs.  There were all manner of wonderful creatures in The Garden of Eden.  Jesus himself played with them there, and if it weren't for sinful Eve, we would all still be riding dinosaurs with the Son of God.  But unfortunately the first woman allowed vanity to overcome her already weak sense of loyalty and purpose, and the result is the chaotic depraved world we live in today.

Jesus burying the dinosaur bones.
Jesus died for our sins.  The dinosaurs died
so that we could drive SUVs.  Both sacrifices
will ultimately cause the Devil's defeat.

God had designed the Earth to meet his plan for righteous humans.  After the fall he had to rethink that plan.  In considering  the alternate future made necessary by man's rebellion, He knew that we would have to provide for our survival outside of The Garden.  His far reaching wisdom caused Him to realize that to recover our purpose and find our way back to Him we would need fossil fuels. That is why he had Jesus bury the dinosaur bones.
To counteract God's move,
Satan made the dinosaur bones
 seem very old.  His legions of
malicious scientists have
propagated the myth
ever since.

Carefree days in Eden
before mankind
complicated Jesus' life.
The dinosaurs (along with other unique creatures like Unicorns, Rocs and Magic Toads) were not in rebellion from God.  They were eager to please God by conforming to His new plan.  There was no practical use for magical creatures outside of Eden, so they went straight to heaven where they play at the feet of God today.  The creatures that live on the Earth now agreed to live with the fallen humans and provide resources for their survival.  The dinosaurs lived among them for a while, but eventually it became clear that their size and numbers would cause a  competition for resources that would inhibit the survival of man.  So in an act of Christian charity, they agreed to lay down and die in mass numbers in sink holes, massive natural pits or flooded river beds.  Then Jesus created a miracle and converted their bones to fossil fuel.  It is possible that a few limited numbers of dinosaurs lived on for a while in mountainous or remote regions, but Biblical scholars can say with certainty that Noah was commanded by God to not include dinosaur couples on the Ark.  Besides, some of them were doing weird thing sexually and were able to change genders, probably as a result of coexisting with sinful mankind.  So God brought their souls back to heaven where they could happily frolic for eternity.
Noah definitely did not let dinosaurs get on the Ark,
but no one knew if they were reptiles or birds at that
 point anyway.  It was a logical move that put the Devil
in check.

We know from the Book of Genesis that God created the world in six days.  The Bible does not provide us with a concise time line for what followed, but men of God agree that the events in The Garden of Eden occurred as little as six thousand years ago, and perhaps as long as ten thousand years ago.  This has been corroborated by independent scientists at Exxon Mobile, ConocoPhillips and DTE Energy.  The Godless liberal scientists that follow Satan's agenda claim that the Earth is 4.2 billion years old.  They would like you to believe it because that would refute God's Word.  But it is not true.
A dinosaur image was recently discovered
among other stone age drawings in a cave
in France, proving that dinosaurs co-existed
with humans in ancient times.  Atheist
archaeologists have determine that the image
was created with Sherwin Williams Dover
White #SW6385 mixed with human urine
and applied with a nylon brush.  This is just
one more example of how non-believing
academics try to distort the truth.

Just as liberals lie about the age of the planet, they lie about the environmental effect of burning fossil fuels. God gave man dominion over everything on the Earth to do with as he sees fit.  There should be no value judgement attached to that.  The whole of creation at this point is just a chess board with the white pieces representing good, and the black pieces representing evil.  God wants mankind to win the game for Team Jesus, and He knows that to do so we will need to use all of the pieces.  To restrict the use of any resource would be giving great advantage to the enemy. Besides, everything here is temporary.  The physical world we perceive is a temporary contrivance, a platform that allows people to make a choice as to where they stand, either with Jesus or the Devil.  After Jesus wins the chess game God will create a new heaven and Earth anyway.  So what's the big deal?

Truth-hating scientists don't
want you to know the whole story.
They say it is a fairy tale.
Besides, we know that God controls the events of this world.  If it is getting hotter, its because He wants it to be hotter.  We know that He has raised up hurricanes and earthquakes from time to time to punish homosexuality.  Therefore changes in environment are a result of man's persistent pursuit of sin.  If you want to stop global warming, tell the pervert next door that he and his 'friend' Maurice are causing your air conditioning bill to go through the roof.  Why do you think they call them 'flamers' anyway?
Looking for a cause for global warming?
God uses weather to punish homosexuality.
Turn down gay marriage and you will turn down
the heat.

Ultimately, concern for the environment does not matter.  Man can do what he likes to this planet and the creatures on it. In the end, God will bring all believers back to the Garden.  Trying to define the age of the planet is a worthless pursuit.  The environmentalist argument is a red herring on the ultimate road to human salvation. Mankind should fully utilize and enjoy every resource God has provided, knowing that one day soon those of us who are born again will be raptured with the Raptors in Glory.  Don't worry about the climatologists.  They are destined to discover a place where sin has rendered the environment very hot indeed!

When Jesus buried the dinosaur bones
he paved the road
for us to drive back to the Garden of Eden in air conditioned luxury.