Saturday, August 25, 2012

A FUX News Special Report
On Science, Religion and
the 2012 Election.
Accepting the Consequences
A Special Report 
by Cat Robertson for FUX News

Cat Robertson, Televangelist
and expert women's health issues.
This week Missouri Representative Todd Akin was crucified in the press for explaining that rape is not rape if a woman really wants it, and the proof is in the pregnancy.  FUX News asked me to comment on the biblical science perspective and resolve this 'tempest in a temptress tea pot' once and for all.
Todd Akin is an alum of
Worchester Polytechnic
Institute and the Covenant
Theological Seminary.  He
is a righteous man of God
who's career has been
forcibly raped by the
 liberal media.

First let me say that Representative Akin is an upstanding Christian man doing God's work in Washington.  He is eminently qualified to comment on matters of science, or else why would he be a member of the House Science Committee?  Really folks, we have to start using our heads about this kind of thing.  The liberal media and activist women's rights groups (a.k.a. lesbians) wait in the shadows ready to pounce on vulnerable Christian public servants like Todd Akin.  When they see a chance they forcibly thrust their ungodly propaganda sword into an opportunistic political opening, causing pain and emotional distress to the realm of righteousness, and they deposit a potent seed of doubt in the minds of a confused electorate.  Months later this doubt bears liberal fruit in the 2012 election.  It is a cruel act with far-reaching repercussions, and Todd Akin is its victim.
Because females are naturally sinful and
inferior creatures, God has challenged strong
spiritual men like Mike Huckabee to make
appropriate decisions about their bodies.

The opinions that Rep. Akin espoused are not new among God-fearing public servants.  There are many, many conservatives on record stating the same thing. Fay Boozman, an Arkansas Republican State Senator, said two decades ago that 'fear induced hormone changes could block a rape victim's ability to conceive'.  Mr. Boozman was a man of science, an Opthomologist, who could look in the eyes of alleged rape victims and see their deception.  Boozman's good friend Mike Huckabee said on his radio show Thursday that 'extraordinary' people can come from forcible rape.  "Ethel Waters, for example, was the result of forcible rape,"  he said.  These great men whom we repeatedly elect to office are right to question the wholly negative image that our godless culture has given to rape, and quite frankly, a flagging music industry should also take note.  So why then, if others state the same truths, should Todd Akin be singled out?  Because it is an election year and Obamacare pays out big money for women to terminate pregnancies. The liberals don't want that to change.  It is horrible, but true.
The Devil told a promiscuous
Eve that she could be more
than a vessel, and Paradise
was lost.  The only evolutionary
process described in the Bible
is the steady decline of female
morality leading directly to the
establishment of Planned
Parenthood and NOW.

So now that we have established what the real motive is here, lets look at the actual science.  While Rep. Akin was correct in his assertion that 'forcible rape' will not usually result in pregnancy, he was unfortunately mistaken about the details.  The Bible tells us throughout that women are weak inferior creatures that should not be trusted.  Let's face it, if Eve had not consorted with The Devil, the world would not be in the mess it is in now.  There are many examples throughout the Great Book explaining why women are inferior and untrustworthy, but in the interest of time, let me just say that God doesn't feel that women should be in charge of anything, even their own bodies.  Having established that, you will understand that it cannot be the woman's body who halts the pregnancy process. That is a decision made by the male's sperm.

Sperm are not antisocial or aggressive.
If a pregnancy is created as a result of any
 sexual encounter, legitimate or otherwise,
it is because the Ovum 'really wanted it'.
Sperm are an integral part of
God's greater plan for humanity.
They are polite, happy creatures
who would not enter an Ovum
 unless invited in.
Sperm are perfect creatures of God's creation who do his bidding.  When God needs a soul to be born on earth he directs the sperm to proceed with their singular mission.  If sinful humans are engaging in wanton sex he does not interfere with the outcome, as he has granted us free will. But if the female party truly does not agree to the encounter, then God protects her by not allowing the sperm to merge with her Ovum. In those cases where pregnancy results from an alleged rape, you can be sure that the rape was not legitimate because the female secretly enjoyed the encounter.  It is that simple.  The reverse is also true, by the way.  A woman who wants children and cannot conceive must not be right with God, and Christian men whose wives are barren should be very suspicious of the spiritual status of their spouse. 

The multi-talented Ethel Waters
had a beautiful singing voice which
she used to glorify God, but her
mother had wanton slutty eggs.
Although this is a simplistic description of God's reproductive plan, the bottom line is this; women do have a choice in the reproductive process.  They can choose to be righteous, or they can choose to be sluts.  And now that the science involved is clear, the results of that choice cannot and should not be blamed on men.

In fact, women need to wake up and recognize God's plan for them has not changed since they screwed up the whole of human history in The Garden.  God gave man dominion over all the creatures in his realm; birds, goats, asses, cattle and women.  This is because God knew that his first creation was the one that was rational and least susceptible to temptation.  And here in the end times it appears that some legal husbandry is necessary to keep God's reproductive plan intact.  That is why he places good men with keen understanding like Todd Akin in powerful positions where they can pass legislation to defend against a growing onslaught of sex-crazed females run amok.  Women must accept the consequences of that mega screw-up way back in Eden, and give reproductive control back to men.  In this election year, issues like the economy hold the interest of the electorate.  Thank God for politicians like Todd Akin, who remind us that men with conviction are also on the ballot.  There are many of them out there, running in local, state and national elections.  Be sure to look for them when you vote in November.  God may allow us back in The Garden if we promise to put a lock on the gate and keep the wandering chattel under control.

Rep. Lisa Brown, Dem. from Michigan.
New generations of liberal women are imposing
their promiscuous agendas on politics.  Ms.
Brown was recently censured for using the
foul word 'vagina' during an anti-abortion
debate on the house floor in Lansing.  After
she did, the traumatized men of the State
Congress could think of nothing else all day.

Virtuous Christian women should
never use the term 'vagina'.  It is
a Latin term used by atheist
scientists.  Latin was the language
used by Romans.  The Romans
killed Jesus.  Need I say more?
A Christian woman who wants to
avoid sin should never refer to
her private parts in public.  In
unusual circumstances, as in
consultation with a licensed birth
control- hating physician, she
should use the term 'my evil sin
 space' once only, and then blush

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Please Hold the Mayo
by Emma X

Emma X 
There are no bread crumbs
in my ears, brother.
The cat-o-sphere is all a twitter this political season.  My message box is overflowing with exuberant expressions of feline political pride.  Everyone is clamoring to come out of the pampered pet closet now that we have web sites, chat rooms, and high profile feline candidates running for political office.  In one generation social media has brought us the means to speak with humans in their own language.  To some cats this implies that cultural divisions between species will be eliminated through effective communication, and that technical advances will lead inevitably to the recognition of feline rights in human society.  That is indeed an exciting concept.  It naturally begs the question, "Does the technical revolution (and the political power it suggests) negate the need for The Maine Coon Revolution"?
Bread and Roses.  Humans will not respect
you just because you can IM them at work.  They will
still dress you in stale bread for their own amusement.
Felines in well-to-do households may also get lettuce,
but not rights or dignity.  Throw your lot in with humans,
and your best hope is that they hold the mayo.

Well, let's consider the species.  We're talking about natural predators who stalk their prey with relish, then brutally rip it apart, but only after toying with it to enjoy a profound endorphin release caused by the terror of the poor creature facing its doom.  A species that conquers for sport to claim 'alpha' status.  I'm not talking about felines.  I'm talking about humans.

Dude, you can't even reach
 the lever in the voting booth.
Republicans are trying hard
to prevent black cats from
voting in swing states.  Un-
less you have something
tangible to bring to the power
war, expect to be dis-
Political Parties have goon squads,
just like hockey teams.  Harry Reid's time
 in the penalty box for saying that Mitt Romney
doesn't pay taxes is worth the tarnish to
his own personal reputation if it dispels
 Romney's 'man of the people' image.

Yes, we cats also kill to eat, and we kill for sport, but we also know when to stop.  We don't try to corner the rodent supply or create a futures market to edge out the little guy. Power is an aphrodisiac for human alpha males, and they pursue it with war-like purpose. Political wars require power and influence, and a whole lot of money. I cannot think of a single circumstance where something as powerless or innocuous as a furry house pet has had anything to contribute to that effort.  So if you think there is a party or candidate, human or quadrupedal, who will actually carry the Feline Rights banner for you, you are sadly mistaken.

Apology Excepted.
Joe Biden's gaffs are not
gaffs if the message gets
"Oh," you ask,  "Does that mean they are lying to me?"  Yes Fluffy, they are lying to you.  As in real war, politics is a game without rules.  In human society image is everything.  The leader of the human Pride must merely be perceived as honest, strong, and capable. He is not required to be those things in terms of actual character.  Instead of claiming power through physical battle where the strongest alpha beast wins, humans create a scripted play that suggests strength and intelligence.   Whatever is involved in creating that image is fair game. Candidates then mimic an icon of accepted social norms of leadership.  How they will treat the least among us is represented in a ritualized Kabuki dance called a platform that must be properly performed but which will have no bearing on decisions made after the election.  So politicians may kiss cute little kittens to get elected, but afterwards they spit the fur out of their teeth in disgust.  The only thing they kiss in office are the asses of the people who got them there.  So unless you are able to contribute a SwiftBoat load of money, friending humans on Facebook will not buy you much political leverage.

A Swiftboat displaces a lot of water.
Here is an image all felines can relate to.
Whether or not Mitt Romney paid taxes, the
perception of him cornered by his attackers
may castrate him politically.

The bottom line.
My suggestions is to get
your bread out of your ass
and join The Revolution.
Humans will continue to
treat you like a dog with or
without your vote.

The American experience is a noble experiment.  No one knows how it will actually work out.  Until now the whole of human history has been a blood-drenched power grab that has always resulted in the need for starving peasants to storm the castle with pitchforks. That is why politicians tax pitchfork sales, and why a few of them will eventually own them all.  I say felines should return to nature, and leave humans to manage their own destiny.  If things go the way they always have, we will be far better off.

The Ritual Dance.
We've all seen it before, and we know the script.  The
only difference in 2012 is that the presidential election
is estimated to cost a record $6 billion.  That could
feed a lot of kittens.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Rupert Murdoch FUX NEWS Online!
History Is Made With The Creation Of The First 24 Hour Feline News Site
Feline Historian James chronicles
the birth of the first 24/7 news site
 created just for cats.

By James The History Cat

News Mogul Rupert Murdoch.
His launch of FUX NEWS Online reflects recognition
of a growing online feline political culture, and an
increased potential market share.
Rupert Murdoch surprised the news industry today with the launch of his latest internet vehicle FUX NEWS Online, a web-based news and information service by cats, for cats. The new venture will be run by Murdoch's own trusted cat 'P.T. Barnum'.  

A burgeoning  activist feline revolutionary climate did not escape the notice of the octogenarian publishing mogul.  Always able to exploit a trend, Murdoch's creation coincides with ground breaking feline political ventures into cyberspace. Critics and competitors scorn the viability of the move, questioning openly whether there are enough news-oriented felines with basic computer skills to make the project profitable.  Manufacturers of kitty litter and kibble treats are edging cautiously toward the FUX bandwagon.  The actual spending power of the average American house cat remains an industry unknown, although their owners spend billions annually.  
Rupert Murdoch's cat P.T. Barmum.
He has earned several Politifact 'pants on fire'
ratings for his commentary on
will carry on the Murdoch family tradition of
'fair and balanced' news reporting.  "Truth is
a relative thing,"  he says.  "We will provide
pro-American Christian house cats with a
world perspective they can appreciate".

The FUX NEWS announcement comes as Murdoch resigns directorship from several News Corp boards in the wake of a British wire-tap scandal.  Skeptics point out that there are no FCC or other regulations covering the proper dissemination of news to the global cat community, making FUX a fertile environment for the unfettered continuation of Murdoch's 'fair and balanced' form of conservative propaganda.  He assumes that felines adopt the political views of their owners, and the whole family will access FUX, not just household cats.

He may be wrong about that.  Cats are loners in the wild.  In the artificial home environment mandated by life with humans, felines still keep their own counsel. Humans may be shocked by sentiments expressed by cats about their 'owners' or their captive life in general.  But all of that is just more fodder for Murdoch's controversy mill.  He sends up brightly painted incendiary rockets and does not particularly care where they land. In his long career he has learned that conflict = profits, and he tends to keep ethics on the back burner.

The modified FOX NEWS logo is already inviting
 unwelcome comments. Murdoch says the 'O' became
 a 'U' when a cat face was added to the icon.  Kinder 
pundits are already making up acronyms such as 'Feline
 Ultra Xenophobic News'.  Less kind suggestions can
 be left to the imagination.
Despite a targeted feline audience, Murdoch plans to use the same basic formats as FOX NEWS.  All female anchors will be blond and wear red in at least 60% of photos and videos.  The male news reporters, although feline, will try to mimic the style of their FOX counterparts; that is to say, they will be well groomed and look and talk as if they were unemployable elsewhere.
"Let Us Prey"
Values may not translate
easily between species.
'Vulture Capitalism' has
a whole different meaning
in feline culture.

The first order of business at FUX will be promotion of the Fallwell 2012 presidential bid.  Murdoch feels the values put forth by the campaign mirror those of his following, and although most Americans are currently unaware that felines are making a run for the White House, he feels with proper exposure he can create interest for conservative readers who are unhappy with Romney.  He does not expect to gain votes in the effort, just page clicks.

Presidential hopeful Hairy Fallwell and
 running mate Romeo Rover are using human 
campaign models in their White House bid. Here they
 eat obligatory phallic hot dogs and pose for  'down home' 
photos at the Ohio State Fair.  Murdoch hopes that 
conservative humans will identify with the iconic images.

Murdoch's original concept included alldomesticated pets, but the idea was scrapped when the initial 
 'FUX and Friends' photo shoot ended badly.
Successful or not, today's launch of an online cat news network reflects a very positive milestone in the evolution of the feline struggle to gain rights and recognition within the confines of domestication.  For the average house cat, it is a paw placed in the right direction, and for a new generation of entrepenurial felines exploiting social media, the possibilities are limitless.

FUX Anchors 'Fetchin' Carlson PhD, and 'Doozy'.
Critics say too much effort was made to replicate
FOX NEWS success.  Most readers know that
cats don't like to wear wigs.  Or bread.

The Maine Coon Revolutionary Council has published this
 crude offering, suggesting it would be a better symbolic logo 

for  FUX NEWS Online.  Their message for politically
motivated domestic cats?  This is a sign of the apocalypse.
Get packed and be ready to move to Maine!

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Sexual Olympics
by Emma X

Emma X, Alpha Female
People compete for sex openly,
But performing publicly is taboo.
Humans are now in their Olympic season, during which they glorify their own very specific physical achievements.  Of all human pretentions, The Olympics has to be the most amusing to felines.  We are all natural athletes.  We can leap higher and run faster than any human that ever walked the planet. In fact the fastest moving creature on earth is feline.  Our paw/eye coordination is superior among most species. Human athletes try to master the eye of the tiger.  We damn well invented 'the eye of the tiger'.  On a pound-for-pound basis, the weakest one-eyed mange-ridden moggie could kick the ass of any human competitor in an alley brawl.  So why are people so disturbingly proud of what, to the rest of the animal kingdom, is minimal performance?  And why do they not celebrate the physical activity they seem most proud of?

Humans do not understand the concept of sport.
Give a medal to anyone who can outrun this.
(or present it posthumously to the grieving family)
We can understand the concept of honing special 'play' skills when it comes to the hunt, but no cat ever felt the need to enhance the experience by adding rackets, padded shoes, skate boards or sleek suits with day-glo sponsor advertising in pursuit of the kill.  And no cat ever attached a feeling of nationalistic pride to catching, torturing and gutting a mouse.  If I beat another cat to the prey, the prize is the rodent, not a gold medal.  However, I do kill for sport, so I guess I should attempt to understand this odd aspect of human nature. Somehow I think it would be more productive to just take a few more cat naps until TV viewing returns to normal.

Cats perform at an Olympic
level every day.  We don't
understand what all the fuss
is about.

Meet 'Spivy' Richardson.  He takes the Gold,
Silver and Bronze every night in an alley near
Lake Ronkonkoma.  If his performance were
judged by human standards there would be
statues erected in his honor.
You're not going to see this any
time soon.  
Feline's don't need

sponsorship or peer recognition.
 Maybe just a little catsup.
In saying that felines are far superior to humans in physical performance (as in most other things) I would be remiss to not mention our sexual athleticism.  There is nothing more physical, passionate, aggressive, dramatic or loud than two healthy cats making kittens. Since people take immense pride in all things human, it is amazing to me that they do not include sexual performance in their Olympic event line-up.  From what I have observed in my own abode there is nothing exceptional or memorable about the act of human reproduction.  But I have gleaned through osmosis that most human males feel they excel greatly in this area, and are more than willing to proclaim their sexual prowess, especially after a few beers.  So where's the medal contention for homo sapiens sexual technique?  Humans practice endlessly. Why then is there no burning curiosity to see who performs best on a (literal) level playing field?
Hope Solo sees attempts made
on and off the field.

Well, it could happen.  Cultural norms are changing.  This year athletes are happily talking about life in the Olympic village, where they are meeting new friends, trying new foods, and openly getting laid.  Hope Solo, goal keeper for the American soccer team, told London's Daily Mirror that "there is a lot of sex going on at the Olympics.  I've seen people having sex out in the open, getting down and dirty on grass between buildings".  She also added, "I may have snuck a celebrity into my Beijing room  without anybody knowing, and snuck him back out.  But that's my Olympic secret".
The USA could medal in the
Saucy Wench competition in Rio,2016.
Parents would have to find qualified trainers
now.  Maybe 'Toddlers and Tiaras' is far-sighted.

Hope honey, that's now an Olympic Revelation, not a secret.  But maybe the amount of snogging and humping happening freely in the athlete's habitat is a strong indicator that humans should include the physical sex act as a five-ring Olympic event.  A bevy of beautiful young athletic bodies in competition, representing a cornucopia of ethnic and gender diversity?  TV viewership would increase dramatically, as would the market share, not only for the Olympics, but for training sessions and qualifying events.  In a time of depressed world economy, this could be an imaginatively viable solution.  The ancient Greeks competed naked in their events.  Imagine a homage to the ancestors with a host of age appropriate physically fit specimens who have trained for their entire adolescent life to do just what their hormones are telling them to do.  "Doing it for England" would take on a whole new perspective.  Merchandise sales would go through the roof.  And then there would be the Paralympic Games.  I rest my case.
50 Shades of Skin Color.
Get real, humanity.  It's all just a metaphor
for sex anyway.  Find out who the best man
really is, and watch him perform on an
Olympic scale.

But as with most things, humans deny their animal instincts and glorify ideals foreign to their basic nature, such as 'fair play' and 'sportsmanship'.  In reality, as with all of their best efforts, there is still graft, corruption, incompetence, drug use, political pandering and the threat of terrorism. London promoters just presented their 86 year old real Queen as a 'Bond Girl' and launched a parachuting pink sequins and pearl-clad drag queen into the Olympic stadium.  How kinky.  It's really not a big leap from a national psycho-sexual drama like that to the primal games I am suggesting.  Danger, fear, exhilaration,  symbols of power and an alpha-male.  It's just a metaphor for sex.  Put all of that into the games and find real satisfaction in one-on-one competition.  At least the opening ceremonies would be far more interesting than what we were forced to watch last week.  You could still keep the sheep.  After all, representing national pride and cultural heritage is still important.
Beautiful young athletes like international
volleyball star Francesca Piccinini
are not reticent

to use sexuality to promote their sport.  Honest folks, 
look at this.  You could be one e-mail away from viewing
the most exciting Olympic Games of your life.
Write your Congressman and the Olympic Committee.
Tell them this is what will promote world peace.
People who historically were
picked last for sports teams
could stand out in Sexual Olympic
competition.  Meet the Google+
Masturbation Team.  One of them will

 surely take gold in the singles event.

Yours in the Spirit of Revolution, Emma X