Saturday, August 4, 2012

Sexual Olympics
by Emma X

Emma X, Alpha Female
People compete for sex openly,
But performing publicly is taboo.
Humans are now in their Olympic season, during which they glorify their own very specific physical achievements.  Of all human pretentions, The Olympics has to be the most amusing to felines.  We are all natural athletes.  We can leap higher and run faster than any human that ever walked the planet. In fact the fastest moving creature on earth is feline.  Our paw/eye coordination is superior among most species. Human athletes try to master the eye of the tiger.  We damn well invented 'the eye of the tiger'.  On a pound-for-pound basis, the weakest one-eyed mange-ridden moggie could kick the ass of any human competitor in an alley brawl.  So why are people so disturbingly proud of what, to the rest of the animal kingdom, is minimal performance?  And why do they not celebrate the physical activity they seem most proud of?

Humans do not understand the concept of sport.
Give a medal to anyone who can outrun this.
(or present it posthumously to the grieving family)
We can understand the concept of honing special 'play' skills when it comes to the hunt, but no cat ever felt the need to enhance the experience by adding rackets, padded shoes, skate boards or sleek suits with day-glo sponsor advertising in pursuit of the kill.  And no cat ever attached a feeling of nationalistic pride to catching, torturing and gutting a mouse.  If I beat another cat to the prey, the prize is the rodent, not a gold medal.  However, I do kill for sport, so I guess I should attempt to understand this odd aspect of human nature. Somehow I think it would be more productive to just take a few more cat naps until TV viewing returns to normal.

Cats perform at an Olympic
level every day.  We don't
understand what all the fuss
is about.

Meet 'Spivy' Richardson.  He takes the Gold,
Silver and Bronze every night in an alley near
Lake Ronkonkoma.  If his performance were
judged by human standards there would be
statues erected in his honor.
You're not going to see this any
time soon.  
Feline's don't need

sponsorship or peer recognition.
 Maybe just a little catsup.
In saying that felines are far superior to humans in physical performance (as in most other things) I would be remiss to not mention our sexual athleticism.  There is nothing more physical, passionate, aggressive, dramatic or loud than two healthy cats making kittens. Since people take immense pride in all things human, it is amazing to me that they do not include sexual performance in their Olympic event line-up.  From what I have observed in my own abode there is nothing exceptional or memorable about the act of human reproduction.  But I have gleaned through osmosis that most human males feel they excel greatly in this area, and are more than willing to proclaim their sexual prowess, especially after a few beers.  So where's the medal contention for homo sapiens sexual technique?  Humans practice endlessly. Why then is there no burning curiosity to see who performs best on a (literal) level playing field?
Hope Solo sees attempts made
on and off the field.

Well, it could happen.  Cultural norms are changing.  This year athletes are happily talking about life in the Olympic village, where they are meeting new friends, trying new foods, and openly getting laid.  Hope Solo, goal keeper for the American soccer team, told London's Daily Mirror that "there is a lot of sex going on at the Olympics.  I've seen people having sex out in the open, getting down and dirty on grass between buildings".  She also added, "I may have snuck a celebrity into my Beijing room  without anybody knowing, and snuck him back out.  But that's my Olympic secret".
The USA could medal in the
Saucy Wench competition in Rio,2016.
Parents would have to find qualified trainers
now.  Maybe 'Toddlers and Tiaras' is far-sighted.

Hope honey, that's now an Olympic Revelation, not a secret.  But maybe the amount of snogging and humping happening freely in the athlete's habitat is a strong indicator that humans should include the physical sex act as a five-ring Olympic event.  A bevy of beautiful young athletic bodies in competition, representing a cornucopia of ethnic and gender diversity?  TV viewership would increase dramatically, as would the market share, not only for the Olympics, but for training sessions and qualifying events.  In a time of depressed world economy, this could be an imaginatively viable solution.  The ancient Greeks competed naked in their events.  Imagine a homage to the ancestors with a host of age appropriate physically fit specimens who have trained for their entire adolescent life to do just what their hormones are telling them to do.  "Doing it for England" would take on a whole new perspective.  Merchandise sales would go through the roof.  And then there would be the Paralympic Games.  I rest my case.
50 Shades of Skin Color.
Get real, humanity.  It's all just a metaphor
for sex anyway.  Find out who the best man
really is, and watch him perform on an
Olympic scale.

But as with most things, humans deny their animal instincts and glorify ideals foreign to their basic nature, such as 'fair play' and 'sportsmanship'.  In reality, as with all of their best efforts, there is still graft, corruption, incompetence, drug use, political pandering and the threat of terrorism. London promoters just presented their 86 year old real Queen as a 'Bond Girl' and launched a parachuting pink sequins and pearl-clad drag queen into the Olympic stadium.  How kinky.  It's really not a big leap from a national psycho-sexual drama like that to the primal games I am suggesting.  Danger, fear, exhilaration,  symbols of power and an alpha-male.  It's just a metaphor for sex.  Put all of that into the games and find real satisfaction in one-on-one competition.  At least the opening ceremonies would be far more interesting than what we were forced to watch last week.  You could still keep the sheep.  After all, representing national pride and cultural heritage is still important.
Beautiful young athletes like international
volleyball star Francesca Piccinini
are not reticent

to use sexuality to promote their sport.  Honest folks, 
look at this.  You could be one e-mail away from viewing
the most exciting Olympic Games of your life.
Write your Congressman and the Olympic Committee.
Tell them this is what will promote world peace.
People who historically were
picked last for sports teams
could stand out in Sexual Olympic
competition.  Meet the Google+
Masturbation Team.  One of them will

 surely take gold in the singles event.

Yours in the Spirit of Revolution, Emma X

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