Saturday, July 27, 2013

Cannabis and Cantaloupes
by Nebu Ganesh

Nebu Ganesh, Upstate Liberal.
If there is an honest man among them, its
probably Steve King.
So here we are again.  I would like to be making sophomoric jokes about Anthony Weiner's wiener, but Steve King keeps raising his ugly bulbous head and blocking my view.  The House Representative from Iowa has gone mainstream with his hateful vitriol about Latino immigrants, causing unwanted negative attention toward conservative immigration policies.  Now he informs us that the children of illegal aliens are worse than the dogs he describes in his favorite metaphor; they're drug mules, intent on destroying our culture and soaking up all our hard-earned resources so they can bask in the light of stolen liberty.  But at least this colorful representation gives us more detail about our wily enemies.  They are young, they weigh 130 pounds, and they have calves the size of cantaloupes.  Keep a look out, America.  These perpetrators will be very easy to spot on school playgrounds.

Don't mistake frustration for righteous indignation.  Trust me, the GOP has good measure of the length and breadth of hateful feeling in their ranks, but now that Steve is spreading his offal on CNN airwaves, House Republican leaders have to appear to be appalled like the rest of us.  Speaker John Boehner and Majority Leader Eric Cantor condemned King's remarks. Representative Raul Labrador (R-Idaho), who was born in Puerto Rico, called King's remarks "irresponsible and reprehensible".

Trey Gowdy, Chairman of the House Immigration Sub-
Committe, and Eric Cantor, Majority Leader.

Gowdy said that, " the number of people that have Steve King's
precise ideology with respect to immigration is not a sufficient
number to derail anything".  Cantor called King's comments
 "inexcusable".  Both Gowdy and Cantor voted against the
What is actually irresponsible and reprehensible is that the Republican Party has let this hateful crap go on for so long.  No one is surprised by King's bigoted lies.  He didn't just crawl out from under a rock last Wednesday (although I do believe that is where he hibernates).  It was convenient enough to allow this vitriolic rhetoric to go on during the 2012 election process, and if the GOP hadn't painfully figured out that the Hispanic vote can swing poll results, they wouldn't give a flying f**k about the plight of illegals in this country, let alone their children. Name one bill, or portion of a bill in support of immigration reform that this Congress, or the last Congress has passed. What is true, is that House Republicans, banding behind Steve King, have already voted to deport DREAMers.

Oh, you say, they are working on it.  Yes, Boehner and Kantor are putting together a bill to replace the DREAM Act that The House killed earlier this year.  After all, whatever measly piece of crap legislation that might go through has to have the GOP brand stamped all over it.  That is the point, isn't it?  But they are going about it with the enthusiasm of a petulant child forced to eat an unappetizing plate of steamed broccoli.  There is no humanitarian motive behind the process.  They just know they have to eat their disgusting vegetables before they get any political patron dessert, veggies that probably were picked by illegal immigrants.

Let's do the math.
OK Jose, if an illegal Mexican drug mule weights 130 lbs
and can carry 75 lbs of weed, how many trips will it take
him to corrupt U.S. social structures and end freedom as
we know it?  Yes, that's right.  The answer is one.  Now
how about this:  There are 1.7 million children of illegals
 in this country.  If 1 out of every 100 of them is a valedict-
torian, that means that there are currently 17,000 illegal
valedictorians.  How many buses will it take to deport

them and their families?
Representative Joe Garcia (D-Fla) said that King's comments were "beneath the dignity of this body (The House) and this country". Sadly, the dignity of The House has become a low standard to meet.  In a room filled with lying, backstabbing, greedy, partisan toadies of big industry, Boehner counts it a good work day if nobody gets bitch-slapped on camera.  That is because fringe psychopaths like Steve King feel they are running the show now.  And that is because the chief officer in charge of morale and deportment, The Speaker of the House, has allowed things to degrade to this point, as 'irresponsible and reprehensible' as that sounds.

GOP National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus recently told a gathering of Latino officials that the Republican Party is reshaping its outreach to minority groups.  He said, "In America, it doesn't matter where you come from;  it matters where you are going".  Another term for 'reshaping' is 'gerrymandering', and guess what? From the shape of the 2014 Republican candidate roster, it looks like DREAMers will be going back to Mexico.

The new image for American DREAMers,
as Representative Steve King would have you see it.
Want some cantaloupe with that pork?
As usual, there are no facts to back up
Steve King's claims.  He says he got his
information about the 1 to 100 ratio
between valedictorians and drug mules
from anecdotal conversations with
border patrol agents.  Sadly, we are not
able to report the number or weight of
those agents, or how many of them were
valedictorians as well.  We do know that
Steve has balls the size of cantaloupes that
allow him to carry hate to a new low level
of public discourse.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Cooch Capering
By Muffy Furburger

Muffy Furburger, free lance contributor.
Folks, if oral sex is wrong, I don't want to be
far right.
Meet Ken Cuccinelli, Republican candidate for the Governor of Virginia.  'Cooch', as his friends call him, is banging it old school. He has spent a good part of his political career trying to reinstate sodomy laws that were removed from Virginia law books years ago.  His stated purpose for the Crimes Against Nature statute is to protect children, a laudable endeavor. Unfortunately his proposed law clearly references acts by consenting adults. The Cooch is very interested in what goes on in your bedroom, and this time around its for political gain.

Ken Cuccinelli
, (R) Virginia, known as 'Cooch' to his
friends, is the current Attorney General of the State of
Virginia who is running for the Governorship.  He surprised
 everyone by introducing oral sex as an issue in the Governor's
race.  He says his purpose is to protect children, but he
defeated a bi-partisan effort to take references to acts by
 consenting adults out of his bill, the 'Crimes Against
 Nature' statute.
Of course, some of us have a different definition of 'crimes against nature'. Polluting the air, poisoning aquifers, destroying habitats, hunting animals to extinction and fishing marine populations until food fish are endangered all come to mind.  But conservatives oppose regulation in these areas.  What's burning their craw is what's going on in adult bedrooms in Virginia, and very likely elsewhere. The 'crimes against nature' old Cooch is referring to are adult acts that are an affront to his religious beliefs, and since he has a personal relationship with God Himself, your personal relationships must necessarily come into question.

More Cooch Capers
It shouldn't surprise you that Ken is an advocate
for abstinence only sex education in schools.  Other
crimes against the Cooch include Federal Health
Care and the Clean Air Act.  He has advocated
 allowing law officials to investigate the legal status
of anyone they stop.  He wants to revoke citizenship
for anyone born in the U.S. of illegal parents, and
make a lack of English language skills a qualifier
to revoke unemployment benefits.  If Coocher ever
finds out that illegals are practicing oral sex, I do
believe his head will explode.
His absolute knowledge about what is moral and ethical does not extend to his business practices.  Coochie-coo 'forgot' to claim thousands of dollars worth of  gifts from major benefactor Star Scientific, or mention that he owned more than $50,000. of stock in the company with whom he had dealings as Attorney General.  When submitting paperwork for his Gubernatorial run, gifts from other corporations to Ken and his family totaling over $100,000 also slipped his mind.  State authorities ruled no foul on the part of their Attorney General and allowed him to amend his financial disclosures. Cuccinelli definitely does not support opponent Terry McAuliffe's proposal to ban political gifts and give Virginia's ridiculously lax ethics laws some teeth.  His Crimes Against Nature statute does not ban knob gobbling with political cronies and influence peddlers (metaphorically speaking, of course).

Of course, its just backlash against the homosexual
civil rights movement, but you have to hand it to Cooch.  Most bigots
just want American law to go back to where it was before the Nixon
administration.  Ken Cuccinelli wants to roll it back to before
homosapiens had tongues.

So here is how the Crimes Against Nature law reads:

"If any person carnally knows in any manner any brute animal, or carnally knows any male or female person by the anus or by or with the mouth, or voluntarily submits to such carnal knowledge, he or she shall be guilty of a Class 6 felony...".  

Cucinelli told a newspaper reporter why he supports restrictions on the sexual behavior of consenting adults.  He said, "My view is that homosexual acts, not homosexuality, but homosexual acts are wrong. They're intrinsically wrong.  And I think in a natural law based country it's appropriate to have policies that reflect that. ...They don't comport with natural law."  It has to be a proud day for a politician when you put forth potential legislation that would be resoundingly approved by the President of Iran and the Taliban.  And how is it that America is a country of 'natural laws'?  I view laws as secular social constructs myself.  In a free society we create them to protect ourselves against guys like Cooch.

Violations of Islamic law are 'offenses against God and
nature, including one's own nature'.  Ken hates Sharia Law.
He's going to make sure it doesn't happen here.  The Prophet's
sex police are un-American.  Jesus' sex police know what's what.
So let me just say to my new friend Ken Cuccinelli, my view is that you are not wrong.  Just your proposed statutes are wrong.  They are intrinsically wrong. They don't comport with common sense.  And should Virginia get its act together, the way you choose to conduct business might one day also be viewed as unnatural.  Who knows?  We could end up class 6 felons together.  If that be the case, I'm sure your fellow inmates will welcome you and your views of sodomy with open arms.  Naturally.

Give your honey a thrill tonight.
Tomorrow it may be illegal.
P.S.  My sympathies to Mrs. Cooch.

Only married missionary sex, drugs and rock & roll.
If laws banning oral sex become more Draconian, popular culture will have to adapt.  Virginia's favorite son Dave Matthews will have to change the Lyrics Against Nature in 97% of his songs, or face prosecution.  Rock on Dave, for now.  Just so you know, I would rather be licking you from your back to your belly too.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Admitting Privileges

Admitting Privileges
By Emma X

Emma X
What's more American than legislating
morality, forcing invasive procedures

 and discriminating against the poor?
Happy 4th of July everybody!
In a last ditch panicked effort to control women and their bodies, Tea Party states are working feverishly to roll back the clock on Roe vs. Wade. With 2014 elections looming, time will not permit a constitutional change. They have been forced to use a State's Rights platform. Texas, Wisconsin, North Dakota and Arkansas are just a few states embroiled in pending law suits over restrictive new laws that severely curtail the number of abortion facilities and doctors available to women, and in some cases require additional unrelated medical exams designed to delay the process and shame and intimidate the patient. There have to be some personal rights violations in that prenatal package, but conservative legislators don't see it that way.

Admitting Privilege Requirements.
Many new anti-abortion state laws require women to
have an ultrasound to view the fetus.  The medical
reason is that angry white men understand that Jesus
wants  women to feel shame about their bodies and
their reproductive decisions, and also they are doing
it just because they can.  The majority of voting males
remain silent on the subject, even though they have
some very sensitive skin in the reproductive game.
The proposed legislation is not just about the number of weeks involved in the abortion decision process. Proposed bills contain Draconian measures designed to permanently close clinics, deny funding, intimidate medical professionals, and shame female patients.  If passed, these laws will effectively eliminate abortion rights within each State and allow the State to make decisions about medical necessity. The philosophy behind the legislation also seeks to legally control choices prior to conception by restricting access to birth control.  Neo-Cons agree that God gave us the sexual urge and told us to go forth and multiply, but left the procreation rule book to be hammered out by the State of Texas.  It makes perfect sense, doesn't it?

Jerking off the truth.
Representative Michael Burgess (R-Tex)
says abortion is wrong because fetuses masturbate.
His point was that 15 week old fetuses feel pleasure
 (and therefore pain).  His comments were based on
a single study where observations of a 32 week old
female fetus were reported, not a 15 week old male
 as reported by Burgess.  The study made no definitive
conclusion about fetal sexual activity.  Personally, I
am willing to believe that males begin masturbating
as soon as possible and do so at every given oppor-
tunity throughout life, maybe even before birth.  But
Mr. Burgess didn't clarify any issue with his comments.
Now ultra-conservatives will have to find a legislative
method to keep fetuses from sinfully pleasuring
themselves.  God's work is never done.

Proposed restrictions in every contentious area effect all women, but are devastating to poor women who may not have the means to leave the State for treatment. Restrictions on the availability of affordable birth control hit this same demographic, as does the curtailing of food stamp programs assisting poor families. That seems a bit discriminatory to me, both on an economic scale and on a gender basis.  I think we can all agree that it takes two to make an embryo. When legislating morality we should include all sinners in the process, including offending males.  

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
 Men are in this reproduction game also, and presumably
equal to women under the law.  When it comes to goosing,
they should get a gander of both ends of the gender war.
Men in this culture have to provide financial support for the babies they help create, so why not let them share the social punishment for the decision to terminate an unplanned pregnancy.  If a couple decides they cannot afford a child, the male should be forced by law to also comply with certain invasive medical requirements before an abortion is approved, just like the woman.  If they are of reproductive age, we want men to be healthy as well, right?  Each man who has helped create an embryo should be obliged to have a complete proctological exam before the wanton temptress that led him down the path of sin can have her abortion.  And while the State approved doctor has a gloved hand up his ass, the prospective murderer can hear, as his female counterpart will, the ethical and moral precepts he is violating, and how each sperm in his ejaculate is sacred. Very few men would go through this experience before ultra-conservative reproductive philosophies would be up for re-evaluation.

The Tea Party may think children
growing up in poverty will ultimately
choose to vote Republican.  They should
  sponsor Young Republican meetings in
 orphanages and foster homes.

Gov. Rick Perry of Texas and
other politicians like him feel that
they own the only correct moral
perspective on this subject, and are
determined to insert their religious
beliefs into some very private places.
They remain equally unwilling to provide
support systems for women who
have children they cannot afford, or
resources for unwanted children who
will need food, shelter and education.
Its time for men to admit the privilege they enjoy by not being harassed by government sin policies, and start defending the women in their lives. For women, the greater sin is the abandonment of male responsibility, both in emotional terms and in the protection of personal rights.  Think of it this way: first they came for her, and I did nothing. Then they came for me with an ice cold cystoscope, and no legal provision for a local anesthetic.

And now a message from our legislation sponsor.
Jesus would like you to know that if we all would just quit having sex, everybody
would be in glory in just one generation.  Well, maybe not everybody.  There might
be special admitting privileges for some.