This Week in Racism
By Nebu Ganesh

Nebu Ganesh, PhD.
Conservatives take note:  Even the Master
Race needs basic science education.  We
should be number one in death ray
production.  Vote 'yes' for skinhead
scholarship.

If you have been thinking lately that Tea Party Representatives in Congress are just too slow in bringing about the new Fascist world order you yearn for, take heart.  This week it was revealed that two intrepid and very stupid members of the KKK designed and marketed an x-ray concentrating death ray intended to kill 'muzzies' and other undesirable threats to American White Supremacy.  At last someone is picking up the pace of reactionary change.

Glendon Crawford (left) and Eric Feight,
alleged co-conspirators.  They believe that the white race is
smarter than every other race, but they weren't able to put
together a workable weapon and not get caught in the attempt.
It looks like they will be spending lots of time with like-minded
patriots experiencing similar cognitive dissonance.

The project was innovative, in that it employed current technology, used relatively inexpensive parts, and provided the would-be terrorist with a highly portable device. Sadly, there was no actual comprehensive workable design, and the only funding they could gather was from the FBI, who had to provide plans, parts and eventually help with assembly to keep their sting operation going.

The device was designed to be mounted
on a small van.
The design could not possibly accommodate enough power
to do damage to anyone, and the victim would have to hold
still near the device for a long time.  Crawford got most of his
technical information from Wikipedia, which is probably the
real reason his death ray did not work.

But hey, at least somebody is out there trying to do something about the menacing hoard of undesirable dark skin tones working their way onto the fabric of our pristine, God-given white landscape.  And the business plan had a marketing strategy, which was to enhance funding by offering the device to Jewish organizations for the purpose of quietly eliminating mutual Muslim enemies.  A logical plan at the time, I suppose, but then that is how the FBI got involved.  The perps forgot one of the first tenets of their ancient brotherhood, which is Jews can't be trusted either.  Their potential clients called the FBI.

The Klu Klux Klan has updated their arsenal of terror
technology to include x-rays.  Fire and rope may be passe.
They have also been threatening to join the Adopt a Highway
program nation-wide.

New York White Supremacists Glendon Scott Crawford and alleged co-conspirator Eric J. Feight evidently did not have the technical knowledge to carry out their plan, which was more comic book fodder than actual science.  The partial device that was built was basically put together by the FBI, and never had a power source.  Crawford is employed by The General Electric Company, who wish it to be known that they had no knowledge of the death ray plan.  There is certainly no visible connection between the company and the alleged weapon plot, just as there are no accurate statistics for how many people GE may have actually killed with the appliances they have manufactured over the years.

General Electric had nothing to do with the death ray plot.
Besides, they moved their entire x-ray division from Wisconsin to
Beijing last year.  That's where their good Engineers are now, and
where they could make a damn fine death ray machine if they
wanted to, but they don't want to.  Not yet.

What is not yet known is how NeoCons will react to this tantalizing news; will they applaud Crawford and Feight as anti-immigration patriots, condemn the FBI for entrapment, or will they accuse the Obama administration of leaking top secret death ray plans?  When circumstances force you to decide what you hate the most, decisions can be hard.

  

This week Americans have been asked to decide if Paula Deen is racist or just a crazy old cracker lady from the South.  In light of the x-ray death scheme, we must now consider the body count generated by her cooking.  I mean, bacon-wrapped deep-fried macaroni and cheese?  That is a recipe designed to kill.  And how many of her appliances were made by G.E.?   Think about it.

The Pick of the Litter
By  Emma X

Emma X
Even I think dogs are better
than some people.

Why was I ever concerned about the loss of crazy Michele Bachmann, when Steve King is in the political world?  Tea Party bigotry and ignorance still hold sway in The House, where Representative King continues to pollute legislation designed to appeal to Latino voters.    His racist, anti-immigrant views are at the forefront of proposed legislation this week.  The Representative from Iowa managed to get two poison pills introduced into pending bills;  one to negate attempts to curb animal cruelty, the other to end the American Dream for children of illegals.  Another productive week for a man who serves Jesus.

Rep. Steve King of Iowa says that his 'pick of the litter'
comments were complimentary.  "People that can take a
compliment and turn it into an insult are not going to be
constructive working across the aisle."  Democrats are
purposefully misinterpreting his motives, particularly in
light of his humane stance on animal rights.

The irony is that both issues, animal rights and illegal status, are sort of the same for Steve.  He has publicly compared illegal immigrants to dogs, and failed to see the hatred in the metaphor.  "U.S. immigration law should only allow the 'best' immigrants into the country," says Steve, "similar to the way dog buyers would chose the 'pick of the litter'."  It is clear to anyone who examines Mr. King's illustrious legislative career that he much prefers European breeds to the Central American variety.

Mongrels are violating our borders.  Representative King
is working tirelessly to save this country for purebred
Americans.  When asked if the U.S. economy could function
without the presence of illegal immigrants, he responded that
the 77.5 million people between the ages of 15 and 65 who are
not currently part of the U.S. work force "could be put to work,
and we could invent machines to do the rest".

In January, King re-introduced his 'anchor babies' legislation, proposing the removal of citizenship of children born in America to illegal immigrant parents (co-sponsor of the bill was friend of the blog Louie Gohmert of Texas).  Forget that people born on American soil are American citizens according to the Constitution.  Steve says they must be hunted down like dogs and deported.  He rejects criticism like a hound rolling in dirt to get pesky flys off his back, and why shouldn't he?  No one is stopping him.  His amendments are being approved.  His peers continue without fail to toss him a bone every time he barks.

Mr. King went so far as to design a model border
fence to present to Congress.  It can be electrified if needed;
not to the degree that it would kill someone, but it would act
as a deterrent.  He knows it will work, he says, because "we
do that with dogs".

It's not like the current proposed legislation is strong.  It's sole purpose is to try to get Latino voters to view the Republican Party favorably. Everyone knows their heart is not in it, and like-minded conservatives have already watered it down to the point of absurdity, introducing border protection requirements that would be impossible to achieve. Steve King seems to want to further rub our noses in it, and his fellow legislators won't make it a dog fight.

Senator Lindsay Graham stepped in a big pile of dog
duty on Sunday by suggesting that the Republican Party
is facing a "demographic death spiral" that can only be
stopped by comprehensive immigration reform.  Tea
Party Republicans rubbed his nose in it.  King has said
that "members of Congress that vote for a guest worker
plan...will be supporting an amnesty plan and they should be
branded with a scarlet letter 'A' and pay for that amnesty in
the ballot box in November'.

Recently the College Republican National Committee published the results of an extensive poll conducted to determine how young Latino voters feel about the Republican Party.  It was titled, "Grand Old Party for a Brand New Generation".  The bottom Line?  Latino voters tend to think that the GOP could not care less about them.  Words associated with the GOP were "close-minded, racist, rigid and old fashioned".  So, Reince, don't spend more millions to find out why.  Just take a good look at Steve King.  He's your top dog in the fight.

Latino youth are learning that 'A' is for Appeasement'.
Legal or not, their first life lesson is about their value to
America.  'B' is for Border, 'C' is for Control, and 'D' is
 for Dog.

 

Rep. King is equally vocal on
animal cruelty legislation:
"We've crossed a moral line" by
"elevating animals up to that of humans."
"There's something wrong with" outlawing
dog fighting when 'people fighting' is illegal.
Mr. King claims that he "has broken up more
dog fights than he has started".  Perhaps
that's because his fellow conservatives are
weak bitches.

Misconception
By Emma X

Emma X
If you would like to know how
kittens are made, give me a call.

Well folks, we've got another science expert.  This week Arizona Representative Trent Franks said during a debate about limiting abortion for victims of rape and incest that "incidences of rape resulting in pregnancy are very low".  As you might imagine, there was immediate reaction from Liberal Godless Democrats who chose to take umbrage to Frank's remarks.  But we've been down this road before.

Trent Franks (R) Arizona is one of the richest
members of Congress, with an estimated personal worth
of $11.6 million.  He is the founder of the Liberty Petroleum
Corporation.  He removed himself from the company when
he took office, but retained at least $5 million in stock, the
value of which has increased dramatically during his tenure.
If in reporting this you think I am suggesting that Rep. Frank
may be out of touch with common interests, you have mis-
interpreted my intention.  You should blame your liberal
education for your biased world outlook.

I have to wonder why this keeps happening.  There are no statistics suggesting that rape produces less pregnancies.  We went through this with Todd Akin, who ended up losing his House seat as a result of his 'legitimate rape' remarks.  Trent Franks must have missed that object lesson.  But more to the point, the GOP didn't.  They very frankly and publicly told old school conservatives with less than a ninth grade science education to SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP about this stuff.  They know both liberal and conservative women voters take exception to these kind of ignorant comments.  So what is the rational behind reproducing this special brand of procreative stupidity?

Humane reproduction.
Representative Zoe Lofgren (D) California is the
Liberal man-hater who immediately and purposefully chose
to misinterpret Trent Frank's words.  She told Franks that
there is no scientific basis for his assertions.  "The idea that
Republican men on this committee can tell the women of
America that they have to carry to term the product of a
rape is outrageous."  We should blame female activists
 for her ignorant misinterpretation of reproductive science.

You have to go into the Bag of Political Dirty Tricks to find the answer. NeoCons must appeal to their base.  Particularly in a debate about abortion, they must let the Founding Funders know that they are keeping the faith.  The tried and true political trick is this: state your position clearly; when criticized back off with an apology, but blame the opposition.  The base hears what they want to hear, and blames the scapegoat for any misconception.  With the lower life forms, it works every time.

Eight of the twenty-three Republican members of the
House Judiciary Committee.  There were no female Republicans
voting on the abortion bill.  If you think that old white men are
not respectful of a woman's voice in these issues, or that the
legislative deck is stacked, you are clearly the victim of Liberal
 media bias.

In Trent Franks case, he made his statement, clarified that he meant that cases of rape would be reported immediately, therefore there would be very few pregnancies at issue over 20 weeks, and that Democrats had purposely taken his remarks out of context and were to blame for any bad feeling about the issue.  If his logic were true, there would be no instances of rape or incest to debate about at all.  But Frank's base voters know where he stands. The female vote is at risk, but he knows there will be no next term without base support.

How Neo- Conservative babies are made.
God doesn't allow unwanted babies to come
to earth.  Any other belief is misconception.

Unless of course Franks is just too damn dumb to understand how babies are made. But we should give him the benefit of the doubt. He is not dumb, he is a misogynistic, religion-baiting, self-righteous dick.  Oh, is that what you thought you heard?  I actually said that he is a thoughtful, caring public servant who fully understands the emotional, social and financial burdens of rape victims, and can feel empathy beyond his personal framework of values and beliefs.  I blame Liberal readers for purposely misinterpreting my comments, and for any bad feeling resulting from their mendacity.

Some supplementary education may ease tensions in Congress.
This easy to read volume has large type and colorful pictures that provide a
step-by-step explanation of the human reproductive process.  Cute euphemisms
are used instead of offensive words like 'vagina'.

Also in the 'Get Your Head Out of Your Ass' series:

"How We Know How Old the Earth Is"
"Evolution Within a Species Has Been Proven"
"Global Warming Exists, and Yes, It Is Caused By Burning Fossil Fuels"
and
"It's Not Just a Rumor, Jackass.  Women Have the Vote!"

Bye, Jingo
By Emma X

Emma X
Don't worry.  There's always
something crawling out from
 under the next rock.

There is truly sad news today for anyone even remotely interested in political humor.  Michele Bachmann has announced she will not run for re-election in 2014.  The news has sent shock waves through the worlds of comedy and punditry, with PolitiFact already considering the possibility of staff lay-offs.  No pants will flame again with the intensity of bottom heat generated by the false statements of the Congresswoman from Minnesota.  The Great One is stepping aside.

Never look a gift horse in her mendacious mouth.
The staff at Politifact have made a good living off of Michele's
public delusions, but it looks like the crazy train is pulling
into the station for the last time.

Its hard to know if there was ever a bigger public liar than Michele Bachmann, but certainly in modern times she is on record as the reigning queen of political falsehoods.  Still, Washington is full of liars.  What sets Michele apart is her libelous creativity and her willingness to go to any extreme to belittle her opponent.  One must also consider the irony that Jesus himself tells her to do it.  Unlike other conservative women making a living off of Tea Party pandering, Ms. Bachmann likely believes what she is touting. That makes her loss all the more painful to comedy connoisseurs.

It takes one to know one.
Congresswoman Bachmann and her Iowa Campaign staff
are busy throwing each other under the tour bus during a
Federal investigation of theft and illegal use of political
contact lists.  Key staffers say Bachmann knew about the
 whole scheme.  She has called them all liars.

Congresswoman Bachmann says that she is not leaving because of two current investigations into campaign ethics violations, or fear that she will not regain her seat after a hotly contested 2014 run.   Considering her overall Politifact record of greater than 75% falsehood in statements checked, that is probably exactly why she is folding her tent.  Sources close to the Congresswoman state that she is 'very upset' about inquiries by the Congressional Ethics Committee.  If she gives up her seat, the whole issue goes away.  A scandal-free record allows her to enter the lucrative world of punditry.  She will still have a platform to fight against Kenyan-born Obama and the Muslim Brotherhood in Washington.  She authored no significant legislation while in office anyway.

High Priestess of Hyperbole
History will judge as to whether she was merely
crazy or completely crazy.  We vote for both
full out Bull Goose Looney and Bat Shit Crazy.
Genius must be recognized.

Although she will still be with us for the next year, no doubt railing against government dog walkers and the five chefs on Air Force One, it is sad to think about Neo-Conservatives struggling along without her maniacal ravings.  It is even sadder to know that Marcus will never be first lady, a role he seemed born to undertake.  One can only hope that some of the less prolific Tea Party candidates will step up to drive the Crazy Train.  The financial future of Liberal Punditry depends upon it.

Xenophobe Princess Warrior
Congresswoman Bachmann saw her mission as "calling out
the Muslim Jihadi terrorists for who they are and for the evil
they perpetrate on our people."  She sees Arab spring uprisings
as an "evil earthquake", and believes that President Obabma
is a Muslim-born sympathizer who has populated the U.S.
government with members of the Muslim Brotherhood.  She
 complains that Libya is in Europe and should therefore be
be dealt with by the Europeans.  She also feels Iraq and Libya
should reimburse the U.S. for the cost of liberating them.
After she is gone, who will provide the thoughtful in depth
analysis so important to formulating our Jesus mandated
anti-Arab foreign policy?

Paraclete of Paranoia
 Obama financial policies contribute to the "ultimate risk of the
destruction of our entire economic system."  The Census will lead
to internment camps.  President Obama and certain members of
Congress have un-American views and should be investigated.
Financial Regulation Reform is reminiscent of fascist Italy.  Who
else will be willing to warn America about our pending financial
holocaust brought about by people who openly worship Satan?

Mystic Medium of Medicine
The IRS is taking charge of health care.  They will be in
charge of a huge database full of intimate personal details
about you and your family.  They will be able to deny or
delay health care.  Except for abortions.  Obamacare allows
for teen abortions during school days at mandated school
health clinics.  And after a certain date, private health care
coverage will  be outlawed.  Who will give us the phantasmal
vision of Mad Max-like Liberal health care systems
once Michele is gone?

Hysterical Historian
Ms. Bachmann has gone on record saying that the Founding
Fathers would not recognize the U.S. of today.  That is certainly
true, starting with women holding political office.  They also wouldn't
recognize some of the names she includes on her 'Founding Fathers'
list.  Still, Michele reminds America that that group of intrepid
patriots did all they could to end slavery.  Her understanding of
the American Revolution, including the role of Paul Revere and
the location of strategic battles has become legendary.  It is part
of her stated personal commitment to 'academic excellence'.  How
will history be properly understood without her?

3/5th's of a solution is better than none.
In an Agrarian economy, these men were
wealthy movers and shakers.  They did
what they had to do to keep business going.
So did Michele.  Her 3/5th's of a grasp on
reality provided insights never before exposed
in the public arena.  Her deep well of misinformation
and her heartfelt paranoia will be sorely missed by
lovers of farce everywhere.