Bye, Jingo
By Emma X

Emma X
Don't worry.  There's always
something crawling out from
 under the next rock.

There is truly sad news today for anyone even remotely interested in political humor.  Michele Bachmann has announced she will not run for re-election in 2014.  The news has sent shock waves through the worlds of comedy and punditry, with PolitiFact already considering the possibility of staff lay-offs.  No pants will flame again with the intensity of bottom heat generated by the false statements of the Congresswoman from Minnesota.  The Great One is stepping aside.

Never look a gift horse in her mendacious mouth.
The staff at Politifact have made a good living off of Michele's
public delusions, but it looks like the crazy train is pulling
into the station for the last time.

Its hard to know if there was ever a bigger public liar than Michele Bachmann, but certainly in modern times she is on record as the reigning queen of political falsehoods.  Still, Washington is full of liars.  What sets Michele apart is her libelous creativity and her willingness to go to any extreme to belittle her opponent.  One must also consider the irony that Jesus himself tells her to do it.  Unlike other conservative women making a living off of Tea Party pandering, Ms. Bachmann likely believes what she is touting. That makes her loss all the more painful to comedy connoisseurs.

It takes one to know one.
Congresswoman Bachmann and her Iowa Campaign staff
are busy throwing each other under the tour bus during a
Federal investigation of theft and illegal use of political
contact lists.  Key staffers say Bachmann knew about the
 whole scheme.  She has called them all liars.

Congresswoman Bachmann says that she is not leaving because of two current investigations into campaign ethics violations, or fear that she will not regain her seat after a hotly contested 2014 run.   Considering her overall Politifact record of greater than 75% falsehood in statements checked, that is probably exactly why she is folding her tent.  Sources close to the Congresswoman state that she is 'very upset' about inquiries by the Congressional Ethics Committee.  If she gives up her seat, the whole issue goes away.  A scandal-free record allows her to enter the lucrative world of punditry.  She will still have a platform to fight against Kenyan-born Obama and the Muslim Brotherhood in Washington.  She authored no significant legislation while in office anyway.

High Priestess of Hyperbole
History will judge as to whether she was merely
crazy or completely crazy.  We vote for both
full out Bull Goose Looney and Bat Shit Crazy.
Genius must be recognized.

Although she will still be with us for the next year, no doubt railing against government dog walkers and the five chefs on Air Force One, it is sad to think about Neo-Conservatives struggling along without her maniacal ravings.  It is even sadder to know that Marcus will never be first lady, a role he seemed born to undertake.  One can only hope that some of the less prolific Tea Party candidates will step up to drive the Crazy Train.  The financial future of Liberal Punditry depends upon it.

Xenophobe Princess Warrior
Congresswoman Bachmann saw her mission as "calling out
the Muslim Jihadi terrorists for who they are and for the evil
they perpetrate on our people."  She sees Arab spring uprisings
as an "evil earthquake", and believes that President Obabma
is a Muslim-born sympathizer who has populated the U.S.
government with members of the Muslim Brotherhood.  She
 complains that Libya is in Europe and should therefore be
be dealt with by the Europeans.  She also feels Iraq and Libya
should reimburse the U.S. for the cost of liberating them.
After she is gone, who will provide the thoughtful in depth
analysis so important to formulating our Jesus mandated
anti-Arab foreign policy?

Paraclete of Paranoia
 Obama financial policies contribute to the "ultimate risk of the
destruction of our entire economic system."  The Census will lead
to internment camps.  President Obama and certain members of
Congress have un-American views and should be investigated.
Financial Regulation Reform is reminiscent of fascist Italy.  Who
else will be willing to warn America about our pending financial
holocaust brought about by people who openly worship Satan?

Mystic Medium of Medicine
The IRS is taking charge of health care.  They will be in
charge of a huge database full of intimate personal details
about you and your family.  They will be able to deny or
delay health care.  Except for abortions.  Obamacare allows
for teen abortions during school days at mandated school
health clinics.  And after a certain date, private health care
coverage will  be outlawed.  Who will give us the phantasmal
vision of Mad Max-like Liberal health care systems
once Michele is gone?

Hysterical Historian
Ms. Bachmann has gone on record saying that the Founding
Fathers would not recognize the U.S. of today.  That is certainly
true, starting with women holding political office.  They also wouldn't
recognize some of the names she includes on her 'Founding Fathers'
list.  Still, Michele reminds America that that group of intrepid
patriots did all they could to end slavery.  Her understanding of
the American Revolution, including the role of Paul Revere and
the location of strategic battles has become legendary.  It is part
of her stated personal commitment to 'academic excellence'.  How
will history be properly understood without her?

3/5th's of a solution is better than none.
In an Agrarian economy, these men were
wealthy movers and shakers.  They did
what they had to do to keep business going.
So did Michele.  Her 3/5th's of a grasp on
reality provided insights never before exposed
in the public arena.  Her deep well of misinformation
and her heartfelt paranoia will be sorely missed by
lovers of farce everywhere.