Saturday, May 25, 2013

Mushy Munchies
By Bainsy

This is my second blog.
Now that cats can communicate through social media, everyone is focused on the political aspect of things.  Actually, for the average feline, communication with their Vet is more important.  Here are some stories submitted by Veterinarians who suddenly wish they had an updated course in animal psychology.

Have a happy and safe holiday everybody!

"So that little thing in the wall at nose level is a power

"What?  I thought you had snacks in the lobby.
Can I finish it anyway?"

"My last vet thought he could get me to
open my mouth too."

"No, I do not want to come out and meet you.
No, you do not seem like a nice human."

"See this?  It's going to be holding your bloody
right testicle if you even suggest taking my
temperature with that thing!"


"No, I'd rather stay down here if you don't
mind.  That metal table is awfully cold."

"It's true.  Sometimes I don't pick up on
social cues."

"So you say we're not twins.  How
interesting that we like the same food."


"And then they like changed my brand
of cat food.  Like right out of the blue,
without discussing it or anything.  So I
freaked right out.  And I'm not eating
again, until I can have my Mushy
Munchies back.  Understood?

"Oh big deal.  I thought I'd fit.  Don't act like
something like this has never happened to you."

"Worms?  There's no way I have worms.
My God, I'll be ruined socially if this gets

"No, I don't have bad thoughts
about my owners.  Why do you

"What do you suppose he's going to do with
that?  Looks like something you'd use on a
bigger animal.  A St. Bernard maybe.  Don't
you think?"

"I tend not to see things in black and white.
I'd like to hear all of my options."

"You're gonna remove what?  From where?
Are you sh*tting me?  NFW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'd like to call my lawyer, please.  Right now!"

" the Fluffmeister says, hey, the humans left
out the turkey fryer, we could make our cat food
nice and crunchy, and I said, I don't know how to
use it, and he said, no problem I know how to use
it.  Here, I'll turn it on..."
"That stuff tastes like crap, dude.  I'm
not going to take that once a day, even
if you wrap it in goose liver.  It tastes
like a rat's ass, man, I'm not kidding!"
"A bee.  She dressed me as a f**king bee to
go to the Vet.  Could you maybe help me
get adopted out elsewhere?"
"You might think it odd that I follow Courtney
Love on Twitter when I am so into Katy Perry,
but I really think I'm very versatile artistically"

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Political Playground
By Nebu Ganesh

Nebu Ganesh, PhD.
In Michigan politics, personal integrity is 
 clearly not required.
A valiant attempt was made, but we are back to the old school Republican playbook.  Reince Priebus wasted his money, and the seeds of Neo-rationalism fell on fallow ground.  We are back to believing that conservative financial policies will work if you don't look behind the curtain, gay marriage is a no go, poor people are still lazy welfare queens, and the old farts spouting racial epithets are refusing to take any medication for their political Tourette's.  Anything proposed to solve the illegal immigration problem is appeasement and amnesty.  So what now?  If you can't stay socially current with your own electorate, its time to get creative.

Jesus will understand.  We'll get right back to
the Judeo-Christian values thing once we have
complete control.
The yeoman's work on political creativity is going on at the state and local level. Conservatives are having to think outside the ballot box in order to win over the voting populace.  And when career politicians are up against the wall, they can sink to a low level of moral turpitude. If obstructionism doesn't work, why not try theft?

What's next, swirlies?
It's our self respect that's going down the

In Michigan, never say die Republicans have taken to copying Democratic legislation word for word, and then supporting their version of the bill.  Not every idea the opposition has is a bad one, but in this Tea Party era bi-partisan cooperation is tantamount to political castration. Conservative state representatives are therefore forced to steal a good idea and claim it as their own. Everything else in current politics operates at a third grade level, so why not just copy your neighbors homework?  The kinky part is standing up in public to claim it as your own.  Now folks, that's innovative. Republican Jim Stamas gets a big red star for that one.

"I know you are, but what am I?"
Bully, plagiarist and all around fat f**k Jim Stamas 
believes in Machiavellianism, but has to cheat off of his
neighbor's paper to know how to spell it.

Freshman Democrat and Marine Corp veteran David Knezek from Dearborn Heights submitted bill HJR L on February 28th of this year in the Michigan House.  Its purpose was to give returning veterans resident status for college tuition.  Everyone loved the idea; so much so that Republican Representative Jim Stamas from Midland decided to plagiarize it.  He told Knezek to pull his bill because he was taking it. And sure enough, one week later House Joint Resolution N was introduced by Stamas.  He didn't even bother to change anything.  HJR N was identical word-for-word to Knezek's bill.

Two-time Iraq War veteran David Knezek
is an advocate for veteran rights.  After Stamas ripped
off his homework, he graciously said he was happy to
see the bill passed, even if it wasn't his.  What a sissy.

I'm not sure how low politicians will go to win, but it seems 2014 elections will reveal the answer.  Old school baby-kissers are reaching farther down into the bag of dirty political tricks than they have since the post Civil War era.  It's hard to know what embarrassingly low and crap-encrusted thing they may come up with next.  I will just send out a warning to the good people of Michigan; don't carry your lunch money out to the playground.  Your elected officials are also looking at fundraising schemes.

Girls Got Cooties.
Yes, that's right.  This is the same Michigan
legislature that voted to exclude Representative
Lisa Brown from speaking in future debates
'indefinitely' for using the word vagina in a
discussion about abortion.  Third grade standards
of behavior are de reiguer in Michigan politics.
"So's yer old man!"
Republicans in the trenches have a different Growth
 and Opportunity Project in mind.  Stand back Preibus.
 Let real men like Jim Stamas show you how to work
the playground.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Cannabis Cats
By Emma X

Emma X
Top drawer, left hand side of
the bureau, behind the underwear.
It's been a year since I started The Maine Coon Revolution Newsletter.  My purpose was to wake up average house cats, and let them see that their pampered life is really a construct of human oppression and a tragic distortion of natural purpose.  I have to admit response has been lukewarm.  One would think that a feline would want to lead the life that natural selection created for them.  Hell, one might think that your average Tom would want to keep his reproductive equipment!  But what I have found is that your typical American Fluffy is a self-indulgent hedonist fallen prey to the seduction of a cushy lifestyle.  And these days I should probably spell 'cush' with a capital 'K'.

Harold and Kumar, please!
I know you think its fun to get your
cat high and watch him do stupid 
stuff, but it's not necessary.  He'll
do stupid stuff anyway.  He's a cat.
Cats are getting high on their oppressor's stash, or eating the buds off of the plants behind the garage.  Cannabis is readily available in many human homes.  And stoner humans tend to produce stoner cats. This should not be surprising.  Humans share everything with their precious pets, including obesity, diabetes, and the health dangers of an inactive life style.  Scientists believe that domesticated cats are actually losing intelligence from generations of close association with humans.  Well, duh.  Now we don't have to wonder why.

Cannabis using cats are adopting human
entertainments and abandoning instinctual
survival play.
Religious felines are against catnip use.  I don't think they have caught on to the current cannabis trend.  The effects of catnip last about fourteen seconds, and in my opinion are not detrimental to the mental health of the cat.  I myself enjoy a good carpet roll now and again, and haven't suffered intellectual damage from moderate use. The effects of cannabis in felines, however, is longer term, with probably the same overall results as with stoner humans; enjoyment of colorful cartoons, a ridiculous appetite, and a chronic case of lazy that leads to the acceptance of world domination by evil people.

The effects of long term cannabis use in felines
are unknown.  Chronic use of the chronic has resulted in
unusual side effects for some cats, including reports of
sudden spontaneous levitation.  If you have to pry your

cat off of the ceiling, lock up your weed.  If you think
you see your cat on the ceiling but your cat is not really 
on the ceiling, lock up your weed.
This week Time Magazine reported that people are using cannabis to ease the pain of sick pets, similar to the use of medical marijuana for humans.  THC seems to have the same positive results in domestic animals; increase in appetite, increased mobility, and ease of pain.  I want to immediately point out that there have been no studies done in this area. No one knows what a proper pet dosage may be, or what overall cumulative effects will result.  Still, delta-9-tetrahydrocannibinol appears to be a possible humanitarian tool for dealing with chronic or life-ending diseases across species.

Cats and humans seem to experience cannabis the
same way, and exhibit similar behavior patterns while
under the influence.
But lets' not get too politically correct here.  Most cats don't have Glaucoma or Crohn's Disease.  They enjoy a good recreational high, just like their humans. But if you live with a cat, you know they don't know when to quit. My concern for future generations has increased tremendously.  I am a voice crying in the wilderness of Maine, but my pleas are falling on deaf pointy ears.  Cats have been introduced to a drug that meets and reflects their life philosophy, and they are into it big time.  So much so that it seems the political movement they are willing to get behind right now is not feline rights, but pot legalization.

Rocky Mountain High
80,000 people met in front of the Colorado State Capitol
building on 4/20 to celebrate pot legalization.  Growers
gave out free samples.  Humans and pets alike were
overwhelmed by the staggering smaze of schwag.

Some folks have suggested that I compromise and move The Revolution to Denver. Everyone would be willing to join me there, now that pot is legal in that state. But I was not born a Colorado Coon.  And my vision for feline freedom and dignity never included leading a gaggle of wasted kibble-crunching moggies across the Continental Divide.  I will keep fighting the good fight for the kittens of tomorrow.  I implore pot smoking felines to clean up their act and consider the future of the species.  After all, if we were meant to go through life as giggly, hungry, stupid, drooling, uncoordinated virgins, we'd be dogs.  Or programmers.

The Best of What's Around
We all know somebody who takes it too far.
ObiWan used to be a staunch advocate for
feline rights.  Now he just eats Cheetos and
listens to the Dave Matthews Band all day.

Get it together, felines.  We're better than this.
Let's face it.  If it were up to this crew, Timmy would die

at the bottom of that well.  "Ah, let's see.  There was
something I was supposed to tell you..."

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Mission Re-Accomplished
By Emma X

Emma X
Any defense of George Bush
gets My Pet Goat.

When George W. Bush ended his term in office, he quietly went away.  That was the appropriate thing to do.  His fellow conservatives spent some time trying to defend his Administration, then decided to just not mention him again.  This was also expedient, considering the state of the State.  But unfortunately, there is a modern tradition of providing every former President with a Presidential Library.  So where the agreed approach to the Bush legacy was to defend, then remain silent, the dedication of the Bush Library necessitates the reverse.  Mr. Bush has been obliged come out of relative silence to defend his Administration’s policies.

The George W. Bush Presidential Library
at Southern Methodist University in Dallas, TX.
A 'nucular' depository of revisionist political horse crap.
The Library dedication creates an uncomfortable feeling for liberals, who opted to not swallow the memory loss Kool-Aid, and who have waited long frustrating years to see some comeuppance for the considerable damage done during the Bush Era.  The George W. Bush Presidential Library offers no relief.  It creates a conservative fantasy of the Bush Administration suggesting that poor George did absolutely the best he could under unusually stressful circumstances.  Visitors can play the Decision Points Game, which forces the player to view limited data and then come to the same decisions that Mr. Bush himself made.  If the player does not arrive at the same decision, a video of George himself pops up and explains why the player is wrong.  It is revisionist and offensive, and in keeping with Neo-Con tradition, dishonest.

Mr. Bush's personal notes for his speech defending
FEMA following the Hurricane Katrina response.  Most
people felt he left storm victims high and dry.

But the facts do exist, they are just not on display.  The MCR Newsletter has exclusive access to archival material in the George W. Bush Presidential Library. Thanks to the support of sympathetic felines (Mittens, we owe you one) we are able to show you some Bush Era documents that you will not see exhibited any time soon.

The former President's hand written notes
from his discussions on the use of torture.  The Bush
Administration sought to redefine prisoner interrogation
 techniques in defiance of the Geneva Convention.  Bush
appointed 150 graduates of Pat Robertson's Regents
University to legal staff positions.  They helped determine
that water boarding was not torture, and that it was AOK
with Jesus.  At the time, Regents University was not a fully
accredited law school.

Mr. Bush has said that history will be his judge.  Millions of people world-wide who still live daily with the negative impact of his decisions believe the jury is already in.  This time around you be The Decider!

An early entry from President Bush's daily diary.
Halliburton made $39.5 billion on the Iraq war alone
in no bid contracts.  Stocks owned by the President
and Vice President were managed in trust until they
left office.

Hands on diplomacy.  By his own admission, George
Bush was a 'hands off' administrator, preferring to delegate.  That
was not the case with Foreign Affairs.  Bush's public massaging of
Angela Merkel was the most bizarre thing done in the diplomatic

arena since his father blew chunks on the Japanese Prime Minister
 at a state dinner in 1992.

Bush Financial Policy.  George
Bush lowered taxes, spent money like a
drunken sailor, and conducted two wars
off-budget.  Neo-Conservatives still applaud
his fiscal philosophy, blaming President Obama
for the current state of U.S. finances.  They
also blame his dog Bo when they fart.

The Presidential Appointment Process.
George Bush was both The Decider and The Delegator.  He
asked Dick Cheney to head a committee to discover a Vice
Presidential nominee.  He asked Harriet Mier to head a
committee to discover a Supreme Court Justice nominee.
Both recommended themselves for the job.  Decision
accomplished!  Even the Republicans experienced sudden
compulsive laughter at the Mier nomination.  Unfortunately
no one could laugh about Dick Cheney.

Which was the biggest human tragedy for innocents,
Iraq, whose government was removed, or New Orleans,

whose government didn't show up?  Not every question
 made it to the Decision Points Game.

Not on display, but hidden from view.
As a wartime President, George Bush was
in personal danger at all times.  The terrorist
pretzel that attacked him at Camp David is still
being held at Guantanamo Bay without legal
 representation.  Relatives fear for its safety during
the current inmate hunger strike.
At its lowest point, the Bush Presidency
experienced the worst approval ratings in
history, 19%.  Conservatives will not admit that
his negative performance may have been a key
factor in the election of Barack Obama.
They still think Neo-Con policies will work in
the hands of somebody a little smarter than
George.  Or John.  Or Mitt.  If at first you
don't succeed...

"What's good for General Bullmoose is good for the USA".
The Project for the New American Century was a non-profit conservative think tank
begun in 1996 to consider America's leadership role heading into the 21st Century.
They determined that America needed a new policy of military strenghth and moral
clarity.  They pushed for a regime change in Iraq during the Clinton Administration.
When malleable George Bush came into office they had their opportunity.  Everyone
in the group was given a position of power or high influence during the Bush
Presidency.  By 2006 the group was defunct.

The Project for the Last American Century.
Military strength and moral clarity.  "Lest We Forget".

Editor’s Note:  I am sorry that there was not enough time or space to include mention of other notable Bush Era activities, including the ‘Weapons of Mass Destruction’ fiasco (featuring lying at the U.N.),  the missing $9 billion dollars in Iraq, the outing of Valerie Plame, the Blackwater scandal, the Dick Cheney/Halliburton over payment scandal, and a myriad of other dark deeds that won’t be on prominent display at the George W. Bush Presidential Library.  Mr. Bush also logged more vacation time than any other sitting President, but I’m thinking maybe that was a positive thing. –X.