Saturday, May 11, 2013

Cannabis Cats
By Emma X

Emma X
Top drawer, left hand side of
the bureau, behind the underwear.
It's been a year since I started The Maine Coon Revolution Newsletter.  My purpose was to wake up average house cats, and let them see that their pampered life is really a construct of human oppression and a tragic distortion of natural purpose.  I have to admit response has been lukewarm.  One would think that a feline would want to lead the life that natural selection created for them.  Hell, one might think that your average Tom would want to keep his reproductive equipment!  But what I have found is that your typical American Fluffy is a self-indulgent hedonist fallen prey to the seduction of a cushy lifestyle.  And these days I should probably spell 'cush' with a capital 'K'.

Harold and Kumar, please!
I know you think its fun to get your
cat high and watch him do stupid 
stuff, but it's not necessary.  He'll
do stupid stuff anyway.  He's a cat.
Cats are getting high on their oppressor's stash, or eating the buds off of the plants behind the garage.  Cannabis is readily available in many human homes.  And stoner humans tend to produce stoner cats. This should not be surprising.  Humans share everything with their precious pets, including obesity, diabetes, and the health dangers of an inactive life style.  Scientists believe that domesticated cats are actually losing intelligence from generations of close association with humans.  Well, duh.  Now we don't have to wonder why.

Cannabis using cats are adopting human
entertainments and abandoning instinctual
survival play.
Religious felines are against catnip use.  I don't think they have caught on to the current cannabis trend.  The effects of catnip last about fourteen seconds, and in my opinion are not detrimental to the mental health of the cat.  I myself enjoy a good carpet roll now and again, and haven't suffered intellectual damage from moderate use. The effects of cannabis in felines, however, is longer term, with probably the same overall results as with stoner humans; enjoyment of colorful cartoons, a ridiculous appetite, and a chronic case of lazy that leads to the acceptance of world domination by evil people.

The effects of long term cannabis use in felines
are unknown.  Chronic use of the chronic has resulted in
unusual side effects for some cats, including reports of
sudden spontaneous levitation.  If you have to pry your

cat off of the ceiling, lock up your weed.  If you think
you see your cat on the ceiling but your cat is not really 
on the ceiling, lock up your weed.
This week Time Magazine reported that people are using cannabis to ease the pain of sick pets, similar to the use of medical marijuana for humans.  THC seems to have the same positive results in domestic animals; increase in appetite, increased mobility, and ease of pain.  I want to immediately point out that there have been no studies done in this area. No one knows what a proper pet dosage may be, or what overall cumulative effects will result.  Still, delta-9-tetrahydrocannibinol appears to be a possible humanitarian tool for dealing with chronic or life-ending diseases across species.

Cats and humans seem to experience cannabis the
same way, and exhibit similar behavior patterns while
under the influence.
But lets' not get too politically correct here.  Most cats don't have Glaucoma or Crohn's Disease.  They enjoy a good recreational high, just like their humans. But if you live with a cat, you know they don't know when to quit. My concern for future generations has increased tremendously.  I am a voice crying in the wilderness of Maine, but my pleas are falling on deaf pointy ears.  Cats have been introduced to a drug that meets and reflects their life philosophy, and they are into it big time.  So much so that it seems the political movement they are willing to get behind right now is not feline rights, but pot legalization.

Rocky Mountain High
80,000 people met in front of the Colorado State Capitol
building on 4/20 to celebrate pot legalization.  Growers
gave out free samples.  Humans and pets alike were
overwhelmed by the staggering smaze of schwag.

Some folks have suggested that I compromise and move The Revolution to Denver. Everyone would be willing to join me there, now that pot is legal in that state. But I was not born a Colorado Coon.  And my vision for feline freedom and dignity never included leading a gaggle of wasted kibble-crunching moggies across the Continental Divide.  I will keep fighting the good fight for the kittens of tomorrow.  I implore pot smoking felines to clean up their act and consider the future of the species.  After all, if we were meant to go through life as giggly, hungry, stupid, drooling, uncoordinated virgins, we'd be dogs.  Or programmers.

The Best of What's Around
We all know somebody who takes it too far.
ObiWan used to be a staunch advocate for
feline rights.  Now he just eats Cheetos and
listens to the Dave Matthews Band all day.

Get it together, felines.  We're better than this.
Let's face it.  If it were up to this crew, Timmy would die

at the bottom of that well.  "Ah, let's see.  There was
something I was supposed to tell you..."

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