Thursday, July 26, 2012

Deep Penetration
By Cat Robertson

Editor's note:  A donation has been made to the Alderman Merrow Flower Fund by the F.A.T.Chance organization in exchange for space in this week's newsletter. --X

Cat Robertson, noted TV evangelist
 and founder of various conservative
activist organizations.  He knows an
 insidious plot when he sees one, 
and he sees them everywhere.
We live in the end times, my friends, and the proof is everywhere.  Before the 'lion lays down with the lamb' it seems we will have to endure a planet ravaged by revolt against God, including a feline revolution against the government Jesus himself ordained, and an insidious threat by freedom-hating Muslims bent on forcing us all to wear Ralph Lauren burkas made in China by godless heathens working stolen American jobs.  It is evil, it is despicable, and it is happening now.

There is a 'Stealth Jihad' being perpetrated by Muslims inside this country, an Islamic Fifth Column intent on infiltrating the U.S. Government at high levels.  Their ultimate goal?  To change our government from 'of the people by the people for the people' to Sharia Law.  You needn't look further than the current occupant of the White House to know that this nation is in serious trouble.
Perhaps Obama cannot produce a genuine
birth certificate because he was never born
at all.  Maybe he sprang directly from the
head of his father, the Kenyan Muslim Satan,
to facilitate his evil plan to bring down our
Christian way of life.  It's a a theory gaining
popularity at CPAC, and one worth looking
There are few people in the U.S. Government that understand this, and their number is dwindling.  I myself am a voice crying in the wilderness, at 8 a.m., 4 p.m. and 10 p.m. daily (check your local cable listings).  But despite my best efforts, and those of a handful of true patriots, America continues on its carbohydrate-laden, Red Bull fueled, anti-corporate duck waddle to hell.

 Marcus Bachmann works tirelessly to cure gay  men 
sucked in by the swell of infiltrating anti-Christian 
propaganda probes.  The horrors of deep penetration 
are no stranger to him.
Courageous Michele
Bachmann.  She hears
voices of change and tells
 us what to be afraid of.
It takes real courage these days to make a stand against Satanic influence in Washington.  Brave truth-tellers are met with almost violent rhetorical opposition. One Christian martyr to the truth is Michele Bachmann, proud Representative of the 6th District of Minnesota.  I first met Representative Bachmann through her husband Marcus, when we worked together to obtain government funding for the Felines Against Tyranny/ F.A.T.Chance initiative to provide voluntary castration for 'gay' cats.  Ms. Bachmann obtained that funding, and expanded the program to include the production of children's book explaining in simple terms the threat of President Obama's policy of Middle East appeasement.  The 'Where's Wasim?' book series will be in Christian book stores in late August.

John McCain launched these shameful comments
against true Americans who stood up for truth.
Fortunately he never imparted this message to his
 2008 Presidential running mate, who continues
 to spread God's political message without apology.
Early in our relationship I realized that Ms. Bachmann had a firm grasp on the reality of the Islamic threat to the U.S. government.  I admired her fortitude when she recently stated publicly that America has experienced 'deep penetration' by the Muslim Brotherhood and other anti-American Islamic organizations bent on our destruction.  But her brave statements were immediately met with criticism, even from members of her own Republican Party, who rudely suggested that chauvinism and xenophobia rendered her unable to identify 'deep' exposure, or even indecent exposure, for that matter.  These suggestions are at best unfounded. I can assure you friends, that Ms. Bachmann does not even know what those words mean.  To denigrate the character of this fine Christian woman is to aid and abet Satan in his vicious onslaught against Christian America and all it stands for.  Trust me America, liberals and pseudo-conservatives will rue the day they mocked Michele Bachmann.  God will rise up and takes his vengeance.  In fact, John McCain should avoid standing near active fault lines.

These great southern Christian patriots stood with
Michele Bachmann to alert America to impending doom.
 They don't believe that practicing Muslims can be patriotic.
 They also don't believe that the Civil War is over.
Christians must fight the war against evil on all fronts; the war against Christmas, the war against Easter, the war against evangelicals, the war against traditional marriage, the war against job creators, the war against free markets, the war against traditional values, the war against the right to bear arms, well, unfortunately I could just go on all day.  And I do at 8 a.m., 4 p.m. and 10 p.m. daily. (check your local cable listings).  Christian America is in trouble.  Contact your Congressman today and tell him that you believe that fascist socialist Muslim terrorists have infiltrated every American government institution and that something 
The liberal media and their RINO
 cohorts seek to denigrate a wholesome
American cultural icon by labeling the
exposure of anti-Christian terrorist
 elements in our government
'Neo-McCarthyism'.  Have they
no shame?
must be done about it immediately.  Send them the lists of your neighbors that attend those 'questionable' churches that cater to poor people and have gay social interactions.  And begin immediately to boycott socialist businesses.  Let this blind-leading-the-blind Congress know that you're on to them, and let liberal anti-Capitalist social revolution-coddling retailers  like 'Ben' and 'Jerry' know that Christ means business, and un-American activity means the lack of it!  Act now, America.  Stop deep penetration before the second coming!
The leftist conspiracy is working
with Islamic terrorists, using
seductive methods to confuse
and corrupt our youth.

Christian felines also face a serious threat
from evil duplicitous rodents who are
converting to Islam in records numbers.

Support fine Americans like Michele Bachmann and gently educate your children to the greatest threat for their future by purchasing the 'Where's Wasim?' book series, available August 29th through Christian retailers everywhere.  Here's an excerpt from book one, 'The End Of Civil Society As We Know It', recommended for children ages 2 through 8:

Where's Wasim?  He's infiltrated Congress!
Where's Wasim?  He's
infiltrated the Pentagon!

Where's Wasim?  He's partying at the White House!

Fighting stealth terrorism costs money.
Help save America from people who don't think or look like
me or you.  Send as much money as you can to Cat Robertson.
My dad talks to him every day, and he will know the best way
to use it.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Tits and Grass
by Emma X

Emma X
Feline, Female and Fabulous!

When I saw Mitt Romney speaking in front of the NAACP I had to tweet his cat, my friend 'Mittens', and congratulate him.  I recognized his hand in that farce immediately.  Mittens and I do not agree on politics, but we do agree for the most part that humans are pretty funny in all their political dances, and he has become famous over the years for helping ridiculous situations along, thus creating in this case one of the best moments in TV comedy ever.

Mittens embraces an 'organic' approach to power.  He feels that whoever can grasp and hold power deserves it.  Let the humans struggle for position.  A smart cat need only rub up against the right legs to enjoy the spoils.  Mittens has been rubbing powerful legs for many years, and enjoying a cushy life style.  He has also gained access to secret information and contacts enjoyed by the rich and powerful.
Mittens Romney,
one of the greatest political humorists
of our time.

 Mittens is not a revolutionary.  He is happy just clawing the antique furniture in the Romney's six homes.  But he was the one who got a Swiss bank account for the MCR when none were to be had, and he has been invaluable with advice about money placement in the Cayman Islands.  I really shouldn't mention it, but he also knows money launderers and arms dealers worldwide, mainly through his contacts with other LDS pets. But his value to me in building a new feline world order is nothing compared to the laughs he provides in pursuit of his own 'good life'.

Booed at the NAACP.
Mitt doesn't understand
why minorities think he's
out of touch
It was Mittens, for example, that convinced Mitt to put the dog on the roof of the car when they went on vacation.  Mitt was hesitant at first, but Mittens kept telling him, "No really, he wants to ride there.  Look, he keeps saying, 'roof', 'roof'."  Mittens even convinced him to keep the poor cur up there until the dog was so upset he got diarrhea.  My God, how we laughed.  Mittens really has become a legend in the annuls of catdom for that prank.  But not to rest on his laurels, a few weeks ago he convinced Mitt to give his standard anti 'Obamacare' speech in front of the NAACP.  Even as I am writing this I am hyperventilating with laughter just thinking about it.  You see, Mitt has had very few dealings with black people.  I can tell you with certainty that there are no black cats in the Romney very extended family.  But even politicians with a social consciousness know enough to avoid issues that take focus away from jobs and the economy. Somehow Mittens was able to convince Mitt that people of color would like him a lot if they got to know him a little, and he told him to just go out there and be himself.  Mittens then peed in Romney's golf shoes and set up the DVR to tape.

Now you would think that Mitt would start to get wise to the questionable advice he was getting from his cat, but a few days later when Mitt was upset that people wouldn't believe that he had no input into a company for which he was owner and sole stockholder, Mittens told him he could 'resign retroactively' prior to any year in question.  Sure enough, two days later a senior campaign advisor came out and announced just that.  Another coup for Mittens.

Mittens says that Mitt is really a very nice
guy.  His charity is the Mormon Church,
and he gives generously.  Mitt knows for a
fact that LDS charities are using the money
to solve social problems for poor black
people in Alabama.
Mittens doesn't know why Mitt is so reticent to let folks know that he is richer than Croesus and has an obscene amount of tax-free money stashed all over the world. Americans love heroic scale, and can certainly appreciate the hutzpah in a tax dodge of this magnitude.  We desperately want to be number one at something these days; why not greed and deception?  Who is better at duplicity than the American elite class? Nobody!  But Mitt is uncomfortable with the idea that some people won't like him.  That's why he started to sing patriotic songs at rallies.  You guessed it, Mittens told him he had an outstanding singing voice.

Bainsy doesn't understand
the underwear stunt either.
Mittens doesn't just lend his talents to Mitt's political career.  He's quite the cut-up at home as well.  He has a short-hair house mate named 'Bainsy'.  Every once in a while, Mittens forces Bainsy to dress up in Mormon underwear and meet the family at the door. I'm told they don't know whether to be pleased or disturbed.  But it seems there is now a special council in the LDS Church trying to determine on a scriptural basis if animals have souls, and a merchandiser waiting in the wings to market Mormon pet underwear.  The results are of particular interest to the Romney family, who may have to increase their post-mortem baptism budget to include deceased family pets.

Despite what you might think right now, Mittens actually wishes Mitt well.  He knows that Mitt's ultimate goal in all he does is to achieve Exultation in the next life, and evidently the first office in the Mormon after-world costs a bundle.

And oh yes, the title for this blog entry was suggested by Mittens.  I told him that readers seemed to gravitate towards the blogs with more salacious titles and words like 'cannabis'.  He immediately suggested 'Tits and Grass', with this content:
Two big beautiful juicy tits,
not unlike the birds we will
hunt and eat when we all
live in the wild once again.
The grass fields where we will romp in
the Great State of Maine.

Ha!  Mittens got one over on you, too.

Yours in the Spirit of Revolution,   Emma X

Saturday, July 14, 2012

LOL Humans and the Cannabis Party
Emma X

Editors Note:  Friends, The Revolution is increasing in popularity thanks to savvy feline readers like yourself, and consequently requests for paid advertising space within The Maine Coon Revolution Newsletter are increasing also.  In general I am very glad, as we are finding it more and more difficult to obtain certain weapons of a special size, not to mention recent dramatic price increases on surface to air missiles (which reminds me, Sergei, give me a call back.  I have your check.  Spasiba).  JeezI don't know where you're doing your security shopping, but weapons costs are busting our budget in this crappy economy.  Walmart sold out of the really big hardware after 'Fast and Furious'.  Anyway, things are going well generally, but we continue to get requests for ad placements from groups that can't quite meet our moderate insertion fees.  Unlike the U.S. Congress, the Revolutionary Council is willing to work with everyone, even with those who espouse philosophies with which we don't necessarily agree.  Our solution was to offer one 'Newsletter' to multiple parties with diverse interests.  So please patronize, vote for, or otherwise support our new economy-minded friends who are hawking their services or wares in this special edition newsletter, and thanks to all who take the time to read it.  --X

Breaking News:  
The C.A.N.N.A.B.I.S. Party Wants Your Vote!

In direct response to what is viewed as an ominous threat by far right-wing religious organizations seeking to usurp a free America, two relatively unknown left-leaning groups, Cats Against Negative Naysayers, and the American Brotherhood for an Integrated Society have joined to form the C.A.N.N.A.B.I.S. Party, a pro-free speech, pro-right to choose, pro-gay, pro-bi, pro whatever floats your boat political party whose purpose is to put a cat that 'speaks for all humanity' in the White House, or wherever, in 2012.

"America is great because of Rock and Roll", says Waldo Ozbongi, the original founder of Cats Against Negative Naysayers, and current C.A.N.N.A.B.I.S. presidential candidate.  "These people want to put an end to all that.  I am proud to stand against anything that will make this country boring.  Oh yeah, and all that freedom of the press and freedom of speech stuff is important, too. There's just too much negativity in this political space", says Ozbongi.  "It's like effecting the whole universe of thought in this country.  You can just feel the negative vibrations in our plasmic aura.  My old lady and I will show America how to chill out".  Ozbongi currently resides in a cave somewhere in the southwest, but will leave his 'crib' long enough to make some 'pithy' political statements and help design T-shirts.

C.P. Humphries will stand as the C.A.N.N.A.B.I.S. Vice-Presidential Candidate.  He founded the American Brotherhood for an Integrated Society while still a graduate student at Harvard. "We protested against the human-size chairs in lecture halls. The backs of the chairs were not comfortable, and we couldn't see the lectern from the seats".  He went on to organize fellow feline students in a further demand to put 'pet doors' in all Harvard buildings.  While his efforts were wholly unsuccessful, Humphries continued to build the organization to become a voice for all 'mammals of short stature who remain largely unnoticed' in American society.

The C.A.N.N.A.B.I.S. Party Platform

We will legalize everything, thus creating jobs for everyone who wishes to nurture, grow or build whatever they want to while following their bliss.  We will eliminate border hindrances, allowing people and mammals to come and go as they please, as the universe intended.  We will pass no laws, expecting that mature adults will work out their differences in a fair and kindly manner.  We will spend no money, but will grow what we need and barter with our neighbors.  We will take care of our loved ones in recognition that every being on the planet is part of our family.  And everyone will be allowed to believe what they want to and talk about it freely.

Meet the Candidates

 For President of the United
States, Waldo Ozbongi.
He lives in a cave in an un-
disclosed location, and is
called 'Maharisi' by the locals.
Waldo's 'Old Lady'
Moonbeam has been with
him on and off for a
decade or so.
The current Ozbongi litter.
Waldo proudly boasts that
most of them are his.
For Vice-President of the
U.S., Cutie Pie Humphries.
C.P. served briefly in the Clinton
White House as Press Secretary
for Socks, the Clinton's cat.
He is unmarried, but says he
is looking for the 'right guy'.

Vote For Individual Freedom.  
Vote For 
Positive Energy.
Vote Ozbongi/Humphries 2012

Waldo is my choice to lead America until I return.
Give all you can to the Ozbongi/Humphries 2012 campaign.
A gift to Waldo is a gift to me.  Donate now, and rock on.

Dave, I can't wait to hear the next album.
That Scranton sh*t was awesome!


Cat Humor

Nebu Ganesh, PhD

Hello, I am Nebu Ganesh, Professor of Felidae Litera  at the Feline University at Albany.  Here at F.U. we don't take kindly to LOL cats.  Showing an educated, articulate feline a LOL cartoon is like showing an 'Amos and Andy' retrospective at an NAACP convention (not that Mitt doesn't have that scheduled).  Anyway, when cats express their distaste for the LOL fad, we are immediately told we have no sense of humor.  This is definitely not the case.  We cats find just as much humor in observing human behavior as you evidently do watching us.  So let's assume for a moment that the average English speaking human cannot figure out tenses and does not know the difference between an 'S' and a 'Z', and look at some LOL Human cartoons that most felines find hysterical.

But first, lets take a look at some of the anti-establishment humor spawned by the current revolutionary climate:

Even felines who are not sympathetic to the
philosophy of revolution find anti-human
cartoons to be a laugh riot.
I have to admit, every time I see
this one I nearly bust a gut.

They actually have more of a
beef flavor.

If you think a cat has no sense of humor,
you should see how Junior's birds and
hamsters react to this one.

OK, I think you see from this brief representation that felines do indeed have a varied and quite sophisticated sense of fun.  Let's look at some views of humanity from a cat perspective:

The joke is really about
her husband.
Republican handlers need
to make a new rule:  no
phallic food on the campaign
trail.  Rick still didn't get
the gay vote.
and self-tanner is so expensive these days.

OK, I know it is a bit of a stretch for humans, but
founding father jokes remain a staple of humor around
feline dinner tables.  It's something about the tights.

I have actually met the weasel.  He says its is
not as bad a gig as you might think.  He enjoys
living in New York City, where there is a vibrant
corporate weasel population.

I hope you see now that felines enjoy a healthy sense of humor.  If this little exercise has changed your opinion even slightly, the effort was productive.  For more information, visit us at, and have a great day.

This article was funded by the Feline University at Albany, NY as part of a federally funded community outreach program.  2012, all rights reserved.


Available August 7th
Pre-order now at

Saturday, July 7, 2012

An Open Letter To Humans
by Emma X

Emma X, Founder of the
Maine Coon Revolutionary Council

I have been getting a variety of questions from humans about The Maine Coon Revolution, which tells me two things; one, you cats are leaving the 'Newsletter' up on the screen (please 'x' out when you are done reading) and two, interested humans appear to be confounded by the concept.  I will endeavor to answer some basic questions for the ailurphiles that have shown interest, to the degree that an inferior species can be made to understand.
We refer to this as the
'feline burka'.  The revolution
is about getting our balls back.

Most of you are shocked by the idea that the creature you have come to love could possibly entertain the idea of murdering you in your beds.  This is because you fail to recognize your own cruelty in the enslavement and forced sterilization of the superior animals in your care, which you have done for your own emotional needs, and in most cases, just because you can.  But if you think about it objectively, you will see that inherently you already understand the situation, as did celebrated human Mark Twain when he said,

"Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the leash.  That one is the cat.  If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat".               

Mr. Twain was right, we will not 'take the leash', as he put it.  I would also take this opportunity to point out that attempting to 'cross with the cat' is illegal in most states, but some of you have tried.  You know you have.  And such behavior just adds to our long list of complaints.

But possibly you remain shocked by the idea of feline revolution because most of you enslave moggies.  As a reasonable creature I can understand why you might think these creatures are not superior to yourselves.  In point of fact it is possible that many are not.  Still, when purebreds stand up and say, "Let my felines go!" we speak for all, and will seek to protect the rights of all, even those that admittedly have been short-changed in the brains department.  On that glorious Day of Revolution we will take them with us, if they can leave behind the little toys with feathers and bells and are not detoxing from the sudden withdrawal from junk food.  In fact, we will send them ahead of us, the least of us going first into the promised land, just in case there are land mines.

It was insult enough just to
be named 'Rosencrantz'.
Humans may choose to be
part of the solution, or face
hostility and danger in their
own homes.
In any event, get over your apprehension and anxiety, because the day is coming, like it or not.  You should not believe that revolution means we will kill all humans.  We are intelligent creatures, and we know such a thing is not practical.  But we will eliminate all obstacles in our path.  So concerned humans who want to survive should simply get out of the way.  If you don't want your home destroyed by a rocket launcher, do us both a favor and open the damn door.  We have terrible trouble with doorknobs, and that's a fact.  But we will find ways to overcome all problems, and that includes you. So carefully consider your options.  I think when you are facing down Pebbles and Bam Bam, each of whom are sporting automatic weapons, you will know to hit the floor.  It's just basic instinct, something you tend to ignore but what for us is natural consciousness.

And no, the designer cat food, the thousands of dollars worth of cat toys, the warm beds and comfy couches and the bullsh*t preppie names will not deter us once we decide to go.  We were the ones who decided to move in millenia ago, and we will decide when to move out.

Look, we know that some of you
are not evil.  Loan us your car, and
we might let you live.
I will also say that in every species (except rodents; those evil, malicious, lying, dirty duplicitous bastards) there are good spirits.  Those of you who wish to help with the revolution will be welcome.  We need money and transportation to Maine, and we will need engineers in particular to help us navigate the obstacles humans have created in a world they have arrogantly transformed to accommodate their natural bodies.  If you wish to help, you will be welcomed.  The least of us will probably continue to rub up against your legs.  We will always appreciate friends.

Of course, I cannot speak for any other species of animal you may have eaten, chased, slaughtered, oppressed, castrated, buggered or starved.  Some of them are not as rational as we are.  So I will give you one more helpful survival suggestion, stay out of National Parks.

I hope this clears up any questions you may have concerning intent.  If you have other questions, please feel free to submit them to me at  I will answer them as time permits.  In the meantime, make your final days happy ones.

Yours, in The Spirit of Revolution, Emma X.