Thursday, December 19, 2013

White Santa

White Santa
By Santa Claws
With Apologies to Irving Berlin

Santa Claws
He sees you when you're sleeping,
and he wakes you up at 4:45 a.m.
I’m dreaming of a white Santa
Just like the one I’ve come to know
When the treetops glisten, I pause to listen
And hear his familiar “Ho, ho, ho!”

I’m pleading for my white Santa.
How dare you say that he’s not real?
When he comes to please us, he brings white Jesus
And they provide that Christmas feel.

I do not like your black Santa
He doesn’t look like folks I know
Do I leave milk and cookies, like other Christmas rookies,
Or just a bag of snow-white blow?

And what would I do with brown Santa
When every Yuletide scene is white?
Should I have to cater, to some off-season waiter?
I can’t believe that that is right.

Is Santa White?
Here's proof that the carpet doesn't
necessarily match the beard!

I’m safer with the FOX Santa
With ruddy cheeks and skin that’s bright,
Because his lack would make me bluer; I'm an old and biased viewer
To whom a brother might cause fright.

I’m sticking with my old Santa
'Cause he is Jesus’ white friend Nick.
Don't let me hear you say, sir they make my Christmas “gay” sir,
You know the Bible says that’s sick.

I’m pulling for my white Santa,
The only one I’ve ever seen
On every card and letter, his business just gets better,
He’s white, but he can bring in lots of green.

I’m dreaming of my white Santa
'Though you may think that I’m a fool.
I may not see what's real now, but homey here’s the deal now
A man who looks like me should rule.

The Real St. Nicolas?
Don't trust Greeks bearing gifts!
I’m grateful for the 2nd Amendment
As we all move toward Christmas Day,
'Cause if some fur-clad pigmy comes down my freakin’ chimney
I'll blow that Kwansa elf away!

Now may your days be merry and bright,
And for God's sake let my Santa Claus be white.

Great Moments in Professional Journalism:  Megyn Kelly confirms the white genetic heritage of both Santa and Jesus for our children, but reminds us that her reporting was 'tongue in cheek', and that if we didn't understand that, we are humorless.  I don't know, it all seemed pretty funny to me.  In fact, I never take her seriously.

I’m dreaming of you, Megyn Kelly
Maybe you’d go for stuff like me?
Since I look like Santa, I'd like to plant 'ya
On my chubby, that is my cushy Santa knee.

I watch you daily, Megyn Kelly.
I don't believe what they all see!
I believe you have a brain there, but that stupidity you feign there
Appeals a lot to guys like me.

I think about you, Megyn Kelly
I love to see your pretty face
I like your FOX News hoodoo, and I see all that you do do
To keep white women in their place.

You cater to me Megyn Kelly
that makes me think that I have hope!
With our same philosophizing, and my special interest rising
My admiration ain't soft soap.

I don't give a damn my Megyn Kelly
If your credentials don't check out.
All that matters now to me is, and what I clearly see is,
You love a white man that is stout.

Here's to you my sweet Megyn Kelly.
I don't dare hope you'd be my wife,
But I like your skin so soft, dear and I like my blondes pissed off, dear.
Dear Meg, you have a fan for life.

So may all your ravings stay true.
I get all my Christmas joy from you.

 Happy Holidays Everybody!

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Special Education

Special Education
By Emma X

Emma X
Once you have proved
yourself remedial, you 
can expect to be re-
moved from the 
achievement group.
It’s official.  The 113th Congress has accomplished less than any other seated Congress in American history. Congratulations to all obstructionist Conservatives who made this questionable achievement possible.

The Congressional
presented by a pissed off nation
to members of the 113th Congress
in recognition of their historic
2013 group jerk-off.  When times

were toughest, you were at your
'uti me sicut enim exhibuistis membra

Of course, to them this is not a bad thing, as Speaker John Boehner himself suggested this week.  He stated he would rather be judged by the legislation they repealed rather than what they passed.  I guess he thinks that he finally accomplished something no one else has ever been able to accomplish, which is to build on a negative.

So let’s grade House Republicans on what they repealed.  Oops.  There were forty-three failed attempts to repeal Obamacare, and once again in 2013 their major repeal effort failed.  So the final Congressional report card score?  Zero performance, with concerned comments about attitude problems and aberrant antisocial behavior.

Sympathy for the Devil
In embracing compromise John Boehner has
not only invited vitriolic criticism from the hard
right, he is risking a possible lucrative post-
Congressional Conservative PAC job.  For a
career politician in today's patronage environ-
ment, there could be no worse outcome.
Of course, Boehner was hampered by the Tea Party, from whose perspective Boehner himself is a Socialist, with everything to the left of Boehner being part of the upcoming Satanic Apocalypse.   He forgets that early on you couldn’t separate his conservative rhetoric from theirs.  He mis-remembers how he welcomed their activism and publicly enjoyed their attacks on the opposing party.  How painful it must be for him now to be shamefully grouped in with the freedom-hating enemies of Jesus.

Got Milk?
The Tea Party has been like a bull in a china shop,
preventing both moderate Republicans and
Democrats from selling their wares.  The rise

of extremism and special interests in American
politics has educated everyone as to how fragile
Democracy can be.
But to his credit, Boehner is now part of the newly-anointed Centrist Republican voting block that has learned its lesson, albeit the hard way.    Ted Cruz performed his multi-city anti-big government road show, ending with a pyrotechnic homage to the John Birch Society that literally brought down The House in Washington.  Since it is Boehner’s job to clean up the damage, the issues are finally patently clear to him.  So now there is a bi-partisan budget deal that will end The Sequester and reduce government expenditures, an easy compromise that Boehner could have supported years ago had he not been dazzled by the heady promise of privileged life in a Conservative political Disneyland funded by rich activists.  Sorry for your disappointment, John.  We’ve all been there.  It’s time to go back to your meetings and work the program.

Signs of the Apocalypse?
Ted Cruz also took criticism from the Tea Party
this week for attending the memorial service
for Nelson Mandela, a man whose principles
are an anathema to the far right.  The only
black man they want to eulogize is President
Obama.  But Ted has moved beyond Party  
  dogma, and his signs are easy to interpret.
He wants to be viewed as a player on the
world stage, because he wants to be President.
His rabid supporters on the right may require
some special education as well.  Ted has learned
that in order to move up, you must eventually
come to a compromise.

So this is the legacy of the fighting 113th;  They show us that whatever we do in the world outside of Washington, however we may screw up, however badly we miss expectations, or how shockingly racist and bizarre our public rhetoric may be, we will never ever achieve the low mark that these teat-sucking toadies of Big Patronage have established.  Congratulations, members of Congress.  You are now officially the worst.  There is no need to be modest about it anymore.  Your report card is in.

But here's good news.  Now that The House has passed its first budget in four years, the Tea Party can try multiple times to repeal it, just like Obamacare.  There is no freedom-loving momentum like Democracy in action.  And it's always best to look busy when you're on the government payroll.

Having failed in every aspect of performance, Congress now qualifies for remedial special education.  Unfortunately they voted against that program.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Tweet Conceit

Tweet Conceit
By Emma X

Emma X
It is a sweet tweet that bleats defeat.
The GOP is very good to its base.  They work hard to provide the emotional succor needed to justify a confusing Conservative social philosophy.  When doubts materialize, they are quick to respond with a comforting little made up aphorism.  For example, “How can you be racist, when racism is over?”  It’s a simple and sweet solution, and its most kind to anyone burdened with a pesky social conscious.  But what works for core voters does not necessarily play to the rest of the world, and that is where Reince Priebus has gone wrong once again.

Reince Priebus believes that a simple
misuse of words should not have garnered
the world-wide criticism that it engendered.
He is just trying to keep communications at
the third grade level at which he and his
Party base operate.  He thought that
congratulating the brave black lady for
choosing to ride up front was a nice way to
invite minorities to come in to the big tent.
It was a friendly thought that got lost in an
inappropriate discussion of semantics.
You can’t blame the guy for trying.  It’s much easier to just announce the end of racism than try to change Party culture.  And if the pen is indeed mightier than the sword, then a well-crafted tweet can end all debate in 140 characters or less.  It is an affirmative message that all is well, packaged in a repeatable savory nugget that comfortably fits the American voter's ever decreasing attention span limit.  In the end we are barely inconvenienced by philosophical debate.  All we have to do is believe and share.

Trick or Tweet?
Yes, it could have been a simple error.  But
the Supreme Court gutted the Voting Rights Act
of 1965 with the opinion that voter discrimination
against minorities no longer exists.  From the
Conservative point of view, the celebration of
minority enfranchisement is long overdue.

Priebus continues to promote the Republican Party as minority friendly despite all evidence to the contrary.  But he knows that Conservative media has successfully spoon-feed the faithful with subliminal messages that bolster the cause, such as “Obama is a Socialist and a Muslim”.  And social media gives Tea Party members that can tweet something to do with their hands while they’re sitting in their recliners watching FOX News.  So the Rosa Parks "racism is over" thing was beautifully crafted for consumption by base voters.  From Reince’s viewpoint that little revisionist pearl was also the perfect big tent Republican Party minority greeting.  What a shock it must have been for him to discover that people who are actually discriminated against on a daily basis do not agree with the assertion that racism has ended.  Conservative media has spent two decades constructing weaker and weaker arguments for discrimination until the whole topic is no longer considered rational in their book.  Perhaps RNC leaders have genuinely convinced themselves that the old nasty discussion is really is over.

Tweets for the Effete Elite.
Future efforts to convince minorities that the
Republican Party has their back may have to
beat a hasty re-tweet as well.  In the end, the
flagship effort caused even more negative
publicity for the RNC.
Well, maybe.  But I don’t believe it, because every other message the RNC sends out is crafted and polished like a well-cut gem.  Their purpose here was to help you to absorb the phrase “end of racism’.  Their naivete was not believing the message, but believing that it would float through Liberal cyberspace like a fairy-light, rainbow-colored butterfly.

The Republicans have spent no time trying to repair the rotting foundation of their antiquated house, but they have invested a lot of time and money in whitewash to try to sell it.  The “racism has ended” message was created and circulated long before it was boiled down to 140 characters.  The Rosa Parks tweet was just another little propaganda balloon that popped in their face.  And even though the intent was positive, RNC efforts to promote happy race relations have been stomped by the public rhetoric of Conservative bigots, and the damning obstructionist legislation put forth by Republicans in Congress.  You can’t vote against food stamps in this economy, or launch a vile anti-Mexican assault on immigration law and still tweet happy thoughts about how racial discrimination ended fifty-eight years ago when bus seating restrictions were reconsidered.  It is the repeated Party support of systemic racist policies that will alienate Republican national candidates from minority voters in 2016.   But keep thinking those happy thoughts, RNC.  If and when you get around to realizing that your Party actually represents the cultural values that put Rosa Parks at the back of the bus to begin with, then you can tweet us about that glowing revelation.  In the meantime, abandon cyberspace and get back to trying to repeal Obamacare.  No one can call that a failed political strategy until the effort actually ends.

"Today the MCR Revolutionary Council remembers Percival 'Midnight' Beeberman and his bold stand in ending the persecution of black cats as a result of the Santa Monica Incident, October 31, 1973." #meowbitches

Friday, November 22, 2013

The Kobayashi Maru

The Kobayashi Maru
By Emma X

Emma X
The Ship of State is being reprogrammed
one legislature at a time, because ultra-

Conservatives are in denial about 
ideological death.

I didn't intend to mention Rob Ford in a blog again.  Once was necessary, as he was the large coked-out elephant in the room, so to speak.  But the situation with Mayor Ford, who with brother Doug continues headlining his "Five Star O Canada Grandiose Denial Variety Review", has caused reasonable questions to be asked.  “Why not just remove the bum from office?” for example.  The answer is, under current Toronto law there is no mechanism to do so.  Common sense says that one should exist.  Canadians are struggling with that problem as we speak.

Ford Nation, The Ford brothers' news and
information show, was cancelled after one
episode.  Sadly, viewers may never know who
won the Shrek look-alike contest.  While Mayor
Rob Ford remains firmly in denial, amused
American observers may not realize it could
happen here.  The American version of Ford
Nation may be playing in a political venue
near you very soon.
Cut to the great State of Wisconsin, where Conservatives in the State Assembly last week very quietly passed a proposed Constitutional amendment that would limit the recall power of constituents.  Currently, Wisconsin’s constitution allows for the recall of any elected official for any reason that the voters see fit, including no confidence.  The proposed amendment would limit the recall right to only cases where an elected official is convicted of a felony or an ethics violation.  Republicans deemed this move necessary after Governor Scott Walker came narrowly close to recall last year as a result of his changes to collective bargaining rights, a successful union busting push.  Voters felt betrayed by Walker, who was elected on a ‘jobs and job creation’ platform.  They initiated an unsuccessful recall move against Walker and several State Senators.

The same Cheesehead politicians
who censured a fellow legislator for using the word
 'vagina' are now pushing to protect unpopular Conservative
policies and politicians by limiting voter recall rights.
 Cheese + Football + Beer + An Inattentive  Electorate
could equal a permanent Republican foothold in control of
Wisconsin State politics.  The same statute would
limit recalls for county and municipal officials and school
board members also.  The proposed Constitutional change
will come up for a vote in 2014.

As you might imagine, the proposed Wisconsin constitutional amendment was passed on party lines.  All Republicans voted for it, and all Democrats voted against it.  Once again party politics threaten the legal power of voters to keep elected officials from running rampant through the ideological mine fields of political territorialism.  And as we have seen before, what is successful in one Conservative State is often repeated in others.

Hail, Columbia!
Florida Congressman Trey Radel admitted to buying
and using cocaine this week.  His long term drug use
was helped along by taxpayer subsidized trips to
Columbia.  The Tea Party Representative admits to
a problem and says he is getting help.  But he did not
resign, nor did his Party ask him to.  A Conservative
vote with a monkey on its back is still a Conservative

So we should not be too critical or even amused by the plight of our Canadian brothers and the Bacchanalian carny show they are trying to deal with up North.  It may turn out to be a Grace of God situation.  Not only have we reached a point where scandalized Western politicians are not willing to consider stepping down from office for any reason,  rational voter recourse may soon be a moot point as well.

Boldly going where no man has
gone before.  
Wisconsin State Legislators
are pleased with their efforts to entrench
Conservative rule for the long term.  Ultimately
it will come down to the voters, as Republicans
are the majority in both State Houses.  That's
why they continue to focus on Gerrymandering

Republicans are abandoning the 'Southern Strategy' in pursuit of the 'Kobayashi Maru', which is to say, if you can't win the game, change the rules.  Forget that the rules are there to protect constituents against the possibility of an American Rob Ford, or worse.  In this war the most important thing is to take and hold strategic ground, and make no mistake, it is a war. One in which voter rights are acceptable collateral damage. So we can expect more politicians like Rob Ford or Trey Radel, because things like character and purpose are not even worth lip service when facing full-out ideological battle.  But having a partisan ass rooted in a powerful chair that will always vote the Party agenda, now that's government by the people!

Integrity was always overrated anyway.  And what's a little aberrant recreational behavior among well meaning friends? Go Badgers.

The voter nuclear option.  This week Senate Democrats voted to allow the 'nuclear option' in clearing Republican filibusters.  In so doing they violated their own ethical concerns about precedent.  After the government shutdown Americans thought politicians had learned their lesson, but in fact they are opening their arsenals and expanding their offensive.  The only option their constituents have is to nuke them at the polls in 2014 and 2016 in hopes of curtailing a longer ideological war.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Men Behaving Badly, Sports Edition

Men Behaving Badly, Sports Edition
By Emma X

Emma X
Men need a stronghold to protect against
the feminization of Western culture.  Of
course, I don't object to the pussification
of anything.
I have to admit, men and women think differently.  And I am no great football fan.  So take that into account when I tell you, I don’t get the NFL locker room culture thing.  It seems to me that if behavior is wrong outside the arena, it must be wrong within.  But again, what do I know?  Men seem to need a place to behave badly, and one of the last great bastions of the free expression of unfettered testosterone seems to be the sports locker room.

Not all cultures produce good things,
but current and former members of the NFL are lining
up to tell us that what's going on in locker rooms is
traditional and harmless.  Simply put, that means that
it was done to them, and they in turn did it to someone
else.  That is how cultures are perpetuated and personal
image is protected.

Still, if somebody chooses to call you a half-n*gger on tape, that is either the greatest expression of cross-racial affection, or one of the crassest examples of team building correspondence in sports history.  In our current culture it’s hard to tell, and that is the basic problem.  We have too many sub-cultures within our melting pot society.  Rules of social behavior are badly integrated and too complicated for common understanding.

The Red Power Ranger
in the Room.
At 6'3", 320 lbs. Dolphins left guard
Ritchie Incognito is a beast on the field.
In all the interviews and cable news
chatter about this event, NOBODY has
even mentioned the possibility of

steroid use as a factor in his socially un-
acceptable behavior.  Everyone involved
agrees that that part of sports culture
can never be discussed publicly.
Miami Dolphins left tackle Jonathan Martin has been soundly criticized for taking offense to what is understood to be traditional NFL hazing because he doesn’t understand the culture.  All he endured was designed to make him a better player, to allow him to get tough emotionally while he trains his body to get tough physically.  His inability to cope makes him weak.  Making his discomfort public brands him a rat.  Whatever goes on in that rarefied place of male-on-male dominance is sacred enough to deserve silence.  So shaking down fellow players for $15,000 in lunch money in sports culture is not playground bullying.  It is character building.  Those of us outside the culture need to understand that this is not about traditional right and wrong; this is how a rookie becomes a veteran.  It is how a boy footballer becomes a man.  It is a beautiful thing.

Culture protects what a society
Once that is understood, there is
no conflict of message.
But what is Jonathan Miller supposed to know coming in to this culture?  He came from a place where you stood up to racial slurs and lunch money shake-downs.  But once in uniform he is supposed to view the same abuse as tough love.  I understand his confusion and frustration.

I suppose I could do better contemplating the wisdom of these sterling right-of-passage traditions if the sport of Football were not continually draped in public scandal.  But this is a brotherhood whose members have recently been involved in activities that challenge the culture outside the iconic temple, a list that includes, but is not limited to, rape, drug rape, spousal abuse, spousal murder, murder, drug and alcohol abuse, animal abuse, pederasty, cheating, gun running, whoremongering and generally unacceptable social behavior.  Of course we should still hold up players as American heroes. Differences in culture just makes conversations with the kids a little more complicated, that’s all.

It's a man's world where no one escapes
without physical, mental or emotional injury.  We
condone the violence, so why complain about what
 it takes emotionally to reach the end zone?
Best case, a professional footballer can look forward to a painful short career where he receives undue adulation and a pass on bad behavior that will be immediately revoked when he leaves the sport.  He will then join our wider culture that presents more restrictive rules.  He will face civilian life with a raft of physical injuries, including probable brain injury resulting in massive anger issues and memory loss, and a pair of testicles the size of peanuts.  He will be sporting an ego the size of Mount Rushmore but will have zero usable business skills.  He will face life as a still young man with a drastic reduction of income and a disproportionate statistically high probability of shooting himself to death.  But hey, that’s what the locker room culture is for, right?  To toughen him up for the game of real life.  I’m beginning to see how good it all is now.

So the bottom line is I’m not too rigid to learn, or to embrace fraternal culture.  I will  therefore leave you with this newly formed message of my affection:  Hey,  wassup you half 'whatevers' (dear reader, please fill in your own racial, gender or intelligence negative identifier)?  I want to sh*t in your orifice and slap you and your slut of a mama, with whom I have committed perverse sexual acts that she loved.  Kill, kill, kill!   It’s all out of a place of love, people.  All out of love.  I expect you all to pay for my Thanksgiving trip to the Bahamas, you worthless little four-eyed Google+ geeky genderless f*cks.  When you have, we will both feel spiritually enhanced, and emotionally more mature.  Thanks for reading.

The Roman's loved blood sport, and so do we.  We just imagine ourselves to be a bit more civilized.  We don't want to make direct association with the resulting emotional carnage.  If that happened, we might have to question our cultural values.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Breaking Bold

Breaking Bold
By Emma X

Emma X
There are no bad politicians.  There
are just bad choices.
By now I’m sure you have heard that Mayor Rob Ford of Toronto was finally forced to admit that he smoked crack cocaine.  After denying the allegation for months, the existence of a video of the unfortunate event forced Mr. Ford to come clean with his constituency.  His excuse was classic.  He didn’t remember smoking the illegal substance because he was roaring drunk at the time.  Whew!  What a relief for the citizens of Toronto.  Your mayor is not a chronic crack head.  He is just a blackout drunk.  So if would-be terrorists will please politely adjust to the Mayor’s life style and attack during the normal Monday through Friday work week when Ford is presumably sober, denizens of the fourth largest city in North America will sleep soundly in their beds.  No worries here.

The Right Honorable
Mayor Rob Ford
 on a sober day.
His example may be a good object lesson
for impressionable Canadian children.
The tape of Mr. Ford smoking a rock in a known crack house was seized with other evidence in an illegal gun bust.  The good Mayor did not mention that he broke the law he is sworn to uphold, just that he used some bad judgment.  I mean, we’ve all been there, right?  I can’t count the number of times I have been caught smoking with gun runners in a known crack house.  Anyway, how he got to the establishment, and mention of the company he keeps were not part of his Mea Culpa.  He will not step down from office, and he will not promise to quit drinking.  He merely suggests that everyone get over it, while he gets back to the work he loves.

He seemed such a quiet man.
Nobody could have possibly seen this thing coming.
Instead of "who would you like to have a beer with?"
Canadian voters must also decide who they would
prefer to smoke a rock with.  It's just another
option.  After all, the motto of Toronto is
The icing on this reprehensible cup cake is that he made his confession at City Hall on ‘Bring Your Child to Work Day’.

Yes, sweetheart, the world is a
scary place
 and the people making decisions
about your life and well-being are drunk and corrupt.
Now that you've met the Mayor, let's go get some
ice cream.

When I was a child I thought that our leaders must be the smartest people in the world.  How else could they reach such an important level of responsibility?  With the wisdom of age I came to find out, as we all eventually do, that our leaders and elected officials can be far from responsible.  Any well connected person can gain office.  Their motives can be self-serving. Their ethics can be questionable.  They can be intellectual underachievers, narcissists, extremists, mobsters, alcoholics, womanizers, flashers, married closeted gays, bullies, crack smokers, thieves, pathological liars or sociopaths.  And since sour cream also rises to the top, many of our most prominent statesmen could proudly be all of the above.

It was just a Crackcident and it won't
happen again.  For some personalities, any attention,
even negative attention, serves an unfulfilled need.
Not every politician is morally corrupt, of course.  But those trying to serve their community are soon perverted by the system or weeded out.  Early on they come to realize that they are cogs in a political machine fueled by patronage and cronyism.  So I suppose the end of constituent innocence can’t happen too soon.  ‘Bring Your Child to Work Day’ may be an appropriate object lesson in this freakish political age.   We should think of it as ‘Scared Straight’ for future voters.

This is not about the good citizens of Canada.  Rob Ford didn’t invent anything.  There is nothing new under the sun.  But in the past, once caught in an illegal and embarrassing act, a politician’s career was over.  They would resign immediately. Now we enable them with the option of two weeks in rehab with weekends off, and deem that sufficient time and energy to atone for any public faux pas.  The Rob Ford story is just another ludicrous example of the death of shame in Western culture.

By the way, Mr. Ford's approval rating went up after his heart-felt public confession.  We get the government we deserve, folks.  Indeed we do.

Postscript:  On Friday another video was released of Ford revealing his mastery of the F-word in a drunken rage, a performance suggesting that his drug use might not be a one-off.  Clearly Mr. Ford needs help.  We sincerely hope he finds it outside of public office.

Yabba Dabba Jabba
Ya koon tacha poonoo nee sah.
Ya ee eema loh kah yah lee.
No biggie, eh?  Welcome to Toronto.