Saturday, March 30, 2013

Peep Show
By Bainsy

This is my first blog.

Everybody is busy preparing for the holiday weekend.  I was like, what about the blog?  And they were like, why don’t you write it?  Then they were all ha,ha, like I couldn't do it.  Well I can.  I just don’t see why they can’t.  Cats don’t celebrate Easter.

Please just shoot me.
We don’t celebrate any holidays.  We like yours because you get drunk and toss us bits of exotic food we usually don’t get.  Some of it we like, some of it we bat around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator.  But still, human holidays are benign to us, except for costumes.  That is our cross to bear.  Get it, our cross to bear?  That's an Easter joke.  OK, moving on.

Humans used to be on the holiday menu.
Let me apologize on behalf of the feline species.  In case
you're wondering, rumor has it you all taste like chicken.
We do try to figure out what you are thinking, though.  I mean, what do colored eggs and candy have to do with Jesus?  Was ham with scalloped potatoes on the menu at the Last Supper?  And what’s with the rabbits?  Now real rabbits I can understand.  The baby ones are real tasty and fun to catch.  But you don’t serve rabbits, you serve pig.  You dress like rabbits and take pictures of your kids with rabbits and put fake rabbits on your end table, but then you eat pork.  Frankly, that’s a poser.

Christian dogma is confusing to me.
I mean, Christ was dead, then suddenly he was alive again?
I have always wondered what he did for those three days
he was gone.  Maybe he had cable.  And it wasn't really
three days, was it?  They buried him on a Friday and he
was out running around again on Sunday.  Isn't that two
days?  Couldn't they count back then

I think it is interesting that pagan and Roman holidays coincide beautifully with Christian holidays.  Isn’t that curious?  I suppose I shouldn’t mention the Romans.  Before Christianity took hold, they used to serve the faithful to the lions on holidays.  Things have gotten better, right?  I guess I should feel some guilt about that, but I am not the same kind of feline, and I have never eaten a human.  I don’t expect that I will grow large enough to do so, but just in case, feel free to have that second helping of scalloped potatoes.  Ha Ha, just kidding.

I can describe a good cat holiday.  We finally catch the mouse we have heard running inside the ceiling tiles in the basement for four days.  We play with it until it won’t move anymore.  We take a nap and go back to see if we can make it move again.  When we realize that it won’t, we strategically place it where you will be sure to step on it with bare feet first thing in the morning.  Then we go see if you have put any kibble in the bowl.  Finally, we take another well-deserved nap in a sunbeam.  Now that is a perfect cat day, one worthy of celebration.  It doesn't happen regularly, but when it does happen it’s special.

Congresswoman Bachmann's new exercise program
involves regularly running away from Dana Bash.  Ms.
Bachmann is a devout Christian who tells whopping
lies in public.  I haven't figured that one out either.

At this point I should probably offer some political insight.  Hey, did you see Michelle Bachmann running away from Dana Bash again?  Women who can move like that in high heels are amazing.  It’s beginning to become a tradition, like a holiday.  Michelle tells a bunch of lies, then Dana chases her down the hall with a microphone.  Michelle is doing the 100 yard Bash.  Get it?  The 100 yard Bash!  That’s a good joke.  This blog stuff isn't so hard.

The Easter Bunny may be late this year.
I don't think dogs understand holiday traditions
either.  Is this why you have to eat the pig?

So I guess I will end by saying I hope you enjoy your solstice celebration, however you choose to go about it.  I wish you joy on this happy Spring occasion.  Maybe next year you could serve salmon?

Peace and Love, 
Best holiday wishes to Pope Benedict XVI (Emeritus)
as he begins an exciting new life in retirement.
'exspectata ut Walmart'

'bonum nostrum qualitras latrina charta est venalium'

Saturday, March 23, 2013

The Life of the Party
by Nebu Ganesh

Nebu Ganesh, PhD.
East Coast Liberal Effete Intellectual
Since November, the G.O.P. have been trying to understand their Presidential loss.  Unofficial conservative group think reasoned that the right message was presented by the wrong candidate.  Reince Preibus, Chairman of the Republican National Committee decided to get to the bottom of the issue by commissioning the Growth and Opportunity Project, an effort generated to uncover reasons and provide solutions.  The result was presented this week in parallel with the CPAC convention, because the G.O.P. does not understand the concept of irony.  That failing was not mentioned in any report.
Reince Priebus, Chairman of the RNC.
"It all goes back to what our moms used to tell
us; its not just what we say, its how we say it."
If so, why did she name him Reince?  I mean,
how do you say it?

The findings of the Growth and Opportunity Project are as close as the Party have come to stepping outside of their philosophical comfort zone.  Their rationale may be contrived to fit the Party mold, but the problems they identify are very real, and the report is a good first step in recognizing the scope of the issue.  Unfortunately their good efforts were overshadowed by Tea Party antics and the usual offensive rhetoric offered as red meat to true believers at CPAC.
The major sponsors of CPAC.
The G.O.P. report did not mention corporate
influence on Republican Party policy.  Many
 CPAC sponsors give money to centrist
 campaigns also.

The G.O.P. report concludes that people of color have the impression that they are not wanted under the big tent, and that the Republican Party is composed of old, white, culturally insulated men. Conservative candidates need to develop an ‘outreach’ to their new ‘demographic partners’, aka people of color.  It suggests the creation of diversity awareness classes, termed ‘liberty classes’ to help politicians learn how to help people at the bottom of the economic ladder.  And it reports that conservative attempts to dismantle affirmative action laws are off-putting, especially while keeping programs perceived as helping the ‘well off’.  Minorities also have a strong sense of ‘linked fate’ and therefore disagree with G.O.P. pronouncements that President Obama is ‘lazy’ and take offense to terms like ‘self-deportation’, a gateway issue for Hispanics.  Young voters, it seems, have an open acceptance of gay life styles and do not react well to anti-gay rhetoric.  And surprisingly, the report warns that ‘king-making’ political PACs are corrupting political environments, resulting in sub-standard candidates and an obstructionist electorate.  The report also warns that the G.O.P. must deal with ‘small but noisy elements’ that co-opt any message of inclusiveness if it wants to win the ‘propaganda battle’ against the Democrats.

Wow.  That is a lot of truth for our poor conservative brothers to consider. 

Liberals were shocked to learn that Google was top
sponsor at CPAC.  Google says their aim was to demonstrate
how technology can enhance and support political campaigns.
They are enduring scathing criticism from the left for their

Meanwhile, the ‘small but noisy elements’ were waging their own ‘propaganda battle’ in Maryland.  Equal time was devoted to the battle against both Liberals and the Republican Party.  Popular centrist conservative politicians were not invited.  Although word went out that Party policy would now favorably consider gay rights issues, Log Cabin Republicans and conservative activist group GoProud were not included.  2013 CPAC attendees were the usual suspects, with this year’s added feature of a proud vocal white supremacist spouting hatred in a seminar designed to heighten cultural awareness.

Scott Terry, White Student Union Member and
Growth and Opportunity Project poster child.

During a seminar on how Republicans could better reach out
to minorities, Terry said that Frederick Douglass should have
thanked his former owner"for giving him food and shelter"
instead of forgiving him.  "Why can't we just have segrega-
tion?" he asked black presenter K. Carl Smith of the Frederick
 Douglass Republicans.  Terry also said that white Americans
 have been "systematically disenfranchised" by federal legis-
lation.  Asked if he would accept a society where African-
Americans were permanently subservient to whites, he said,
"I'd be fine with that."  He also said that African-Americans
"should be allowed to vote in Africa", and that "all the Tea
Parties" were concerned with the same racial issues that he
was.  At one point he said to a woman who challenged him
on the legacy of the Republican Party, "I didn't know the
legacy of the Republican Party included women correcting
men in public."  Terry failed to mention his feelings about
Latinos.  Sorry ladies, we don't know if he's married.

Situation normal, you might say. What's your point?  Well, the Growth and Opportunity Project was immediately dubbed by both liberal and conservative press as the ‘Republican autopsy’, with analysis termed as a ‘post-mortem’.  Autopsies are not performed on living entities.  There is a common belief that the Republican Party as we know it is dead, killed by a neo-conservative cancer.  In fact there have been two parties under the conservative umbrella for some time, the broad-spectrum Republicans who think of themselves as a big tent, and the parasite Tea Party coalition, non-conformists who refuse to cooperate but who use party resources to forward their own agenda.  Some experts believe that the philosophical divide between them permeates so deeply into the grass roots that it is unsolvable.
The Pot and the Kettle.
Sarah Palin took a Big Gulp, then went after new public enemy
#1 Karl Rove.  In a thinly veiled rant she characterized Rove as
 leeching money out of campaign donation processes and not
coming through with Republican victories.  Rove responded that
 involvement with his PAC, American Crossroads was the "worst
volunteer job that I've had in my life" and said that he collected no
salary for his efforts, and even paid his own travel expenses.  Well,
maybe it wasn't called 'salary or expenses', but if you believe that
Karl Rove made no money as a Republican strategist over the past
few years, we have a very nice bridge in Brooklyn we would like to
sell you.  The same goes for Palin.  Reince Priebus' mother should
have also mentioned something about the company you keep.

In fact the Republican Party has altered its course several times throughout history.  In surprisingly similar circumstances opposing factions have split off to become new entities.  If the Party majority cannot control the ‘small but noisy element’, they must remove it.  But there are a few problems.  For one thing, there is an outstanding amount of money being made in rabble-rousing, and it is dangerous to mess with a man’s livelihood.  A divorce will not be amicable.  For another, an out and out declaration of war within the party will almost certainly result in another failed White House bid.  But unless there is conciliatory reform within the Republican Party, history shows us that a split is inevitable. That, or the predicted death of the Party will come, necessitating a very real post-mortem.

Sorry Mrs. Priebus, its not just how they're saying it, its also what they are saying,
and what they represent.  It's time for rational conservatives to bite the bullet in the high capacity ammo clip and move on.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Malice in Wonderland
by Emma X

Emma X
"Why is a Raven like a writing desk?
I haven't the slightest idea!"
We live in strange political times, and they just get curiouser and curiouser.  We have had the Debt Ceiling exploit and the Sequester Deadline adventure, and now into this Wonderland of fantazmagorical political enterprise comes the Charm Offensive, a first rate oxymoron if ever there was one.  Politicians who do not like each other and who have reached a clear point of impasse are breaking bread on the taxpayer dime to try to win a PR war about who is the most (or least) cooperative in a nonsensical game that they themselves created.  Meanwhile the nation and the world watch our reputation for compromise and fair play go down the proverbial rabbit hole.

A very merry un-birthday to you!
There is nothing to celebrate, but now Republicans must
act like there is, because they asked for the party
It's an old lesson, but one the Republicans need to relearn; be careful what you ask for.  President Obama is busy wining and dining the opposition to dispel their negative portrayal that he is a no show in the debate on the national debt, and further more, is downright rude and insensitive.  He may well be, but a large part of knowing how to lead is knowing how to phrase a question.  Republicans have not successfully put him on the defensive. They went to the media and whined like school girls that he would not sit down with them to discuss their issues.  Well if that's been the problem all along, that is certainly something he can correct.  And he has.  Now what are conservatives going to say?  He sat down with us and we still can't work it out? Brillig!

Mad as a March Hare.
Paul Ryan brought along the same
budget proposal he put forth in the election.
It assumes that Obamacare is repealed, and
seniors use a voucher system for health care.
When asked, he says that it is obvious to
everyone that Obamacare must go, so why
plan otherwise?  He is Chairman of the House
Budget Committee.  Do you suppose that when
Lewis Carroll conceived of the 'Mad Tea Party'
he was precognitive? 

Why so cynical, you ask?  At long last government leaders are sitting down and talking. That has to lead to something positive.  Well I hope so.  But so far they are just gritting their teeth.  The kindest compliment and the most positive feedback anyone has offered is that Mr. Obama is a good host, and perhaps something can happen in the future. What they have brought to the table are the same stubborn positions both sides have touted for years. Isn't repeating an action in the hope of a different outcome the very definition of madness?
Dormouse logic in Wonderland.
A quote from John Boehner  following his
meeting with President Obama:
"Republicans want to balance the budget.
The President doesn't.
Republicans want to solve our long term
debt problem.
The President doesn't.
We want to unlock our long term energy
resources, put more Americans back to work.
The President doesn't.
But having said that, today was a good start."

The Tea Party faction is bringing along the same mousetraps, memory and muchness conversation they bring to every gathering.  When they talk about compromise, they are describing what the opposition needs to do.  For them Tea Time stands still, just as it does in the Lewis Carroll tale. Party goers may change seats, but nobody changes policy.  Revelers have circled the table many times, and no no one has a clean place.  It is most unpalatable. 

The Tea Party Vision Of Wonderland
One might as well say, 'I believe what I legislate' to be the
same as 'I legislate what I believe'.
Of course, logic in Wonderland is not quite what we perceive it to be in our world.  Maybe Washington needs to come together in a fantasy realm not restricted by inevitability to envision a new kind of prosperity.  Or perhaps, like Alice, they will leave in disgust, saying that this is the stupidest tea party they have ever been to. 

"I think you might do something better with the time,"
said Alice, "than waste it in asking riddles that have no answers."


Saturday, March 9, 2013

Big Tent Talk
by Max Christie

Max "Big Pussy" Christie,
Chris Christie's cat.
The Republican Party is completely
full of sh*t.  Come to Jersey, baby,
we'll straighten out your perspective.
Hey, Yo.  My name is Max, but you can call me Big Pussy if you want, because everybody does.  I guess it started out like a Sopranos joke, but I really don't like any of that Jersey stereotype B.S.  I know I'm very large, but I'm a sweet pussycat, just like Chrissy.

I've lived with Chris Christie since I was born.  You notice, I don't refer to him as my 'owner' or any of that crap.  He treats me like family, and I love that guy.  If you want to call it a bromance, well that's just your sick mind expressing your own perverted tendencies.  He is a decent loving man, and I consider him my friend.  And that's that.

Now you may have to understand Jersey to get what I am about to say, but Chris Christie is unusual in that he is basically an honest man, and by political standards here that makes him an effing saint. There are more Jersey ex-politicians doing time than there are grains of sand at the shore.  He has so much integrity that they could vote him in as that new Popey thing, and he would do better than most. But I think he should be President.

President Obama is a decent guy
with a good sense of humor.  I told him lots of
jokes and he laughed a lot.  You want to hear one
of the jokes?  OK, here's one:  "So yo, President
Obama.  Do you know why John Boehner wears
button fly jeans when he goes back to Ohio?  Its
because cows can hear a zipper two miles away!"
Yeah, he really enjoyed at that one.

Now forgive me for not understanding the inside workings of Washington, but here in Jersey when people need help you do what you can, and you don't stop until the job is done.  That's what Chrissy did when Sandy hit.  And people here took note and appreciated what was done.  They appreciated what Chrissy did, and they appreciated what President Obama did, and that's that.  Chris told the people that Washington would help, as they had always done when Americans were up against it.  And he had taken care of the party like a good soldier, and now they would take care of New Jersey, as is right and proper. Well I guess times have changed.  Personally I would have thought that the boys in D.C. would have passed the aid bill in record time and stood in line to ask what else they could do.  That's what disaster responders did.  That's what everybody in New Jersey and New York did.  But not those bozos. I think they have their heads so far up their asses that all they can see is sh*t.  Excuse me being crass, but its true.

Yo, we got your disaster aid right here.
When Boehner balked, we just couldn't believe what we
were hearing.  We thought Congress would jump on the
Sandy aid package the way I used to leap on rats behind
the Nathan's at Seaside Heights.  What's wrong with people
who won't even do lip service to human decency?

So now, what with the political world being all koyaanisqatsi upside down, Chrissy is not only a liberal tax and spender, he's a turncoat to the Republican Party.  It just scorches my balls to hear them say that, pardon the expression. Nobody has been more faithful to the party. Nobody.  I mean, do you have to give up your humanity and your integrity to troll for votes with these trolls?  Evidently you do. And now they're saying the real reason Chrissy can't ever be President is that he's too fat.  If you want to see too fat, just take a look at the personal bank accounts of those greedy d*ckless ass h*les.  They don't want to regulate business, but they want to regulate Chrissy's waist line.  What effing hypocracy.

If the 'Big Tent' fits...
Chris Christie's governance in New Jersey
exemplifies those values that the Republican
Party espouses, but they will not embrace
what they cannot control.

I don't understand.  The Republicans keep talking about their 'Big Tent'.  How big can it be when you aren't willing to help Americans whose homes washed out to sea, or whose livelihoods are gone forever.  Maybe once all of their egos are inside, the tent isn't so big anymore.  Real people can't get in.  And I guess they have to have space for the rich f**cks who are in there tinkering with elections and controlling party interests.  We wouldn't want to inconvenience them.  No way.

So the bottom line is, this country needs leadership, and if you want a good example of how that works, take a look at Chris Christie.  And if your politics are of a conservative nature, do what you can to get him on the 2016 ballot despite those whiny little girls in Washington who are screwing America for personal gain. And if you are more liberal in your thinking, take a look at Chrissy anyway.  You know that when the chips are down, he will take care of you, and he will work with anybody he needs to.  He will take care of you, and he will take care of this great country.  And if he manages to lose ten pounds by then, well great, but it won't change what he is, just like those arrogant ass wipes in Washington won't be changing their stripes any time soon, pardon my French.

Hey, G.O.P. here it is!
Chris said he wished you all well.  He's a better man than
I am.  I say, here's my extra large furry ass, go ahead and
kiss it, you %#** ":%**#@ ^$)"**@ parasites!
No offense.

Here in New Jersey we intend to rebuild with or without those pricks, and America should take a note and plan to do the same. We can start out by just standing up and saying loudly that this sh*t is just wrong, pardon my mouth.  And after we bring back the boardwalks, bring your family and enjoy a beautiful day at the beach.  So here's to those who wish us well, and all the rest can go to hell!  And that's that.  Sorry, didn't mean to offend.

And hey, we've got cheap gas in New Jersey and our state budget is balanced.  I'm just sayin'.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

The Sequestration Diet Plan
by Emma X

Emma X
What doesn't kill you still
hurts like hell.
In keeping with the recent practice of not doing a goddamned thing, Congress now brings us Sequestration. Sequestration in legislative terms simply means that if you can't do it, we will do it for you, with the ironic twist that the 'you' in the statement is Congress, and the 'we' is also Congress. This is not to leave out the President, who signed off on this fascinating idea eighteen months ago. And lets also mention American voters who returned the same party demographic to the 113th Congress, thus negating the reason for the Sequester in the first place. There is plenty of blame to go around and few solutions.
John Boehner blames the President and the
Democratically controlled Senate for the Sequester
debacle.  National polls suggest that American voters
view Republicans as obstructionist, and believe they
have shot themselves in the foot on this one.  Come
the 2014 elections, they may advocate Republican
candidates aim even higher.

Basically all parties involved understand that we are bloated by debt, and that a fiscal diet plan is necessary.  Your average American could sit down in a day or two and figure out the beginnings of a common sense solution. But government representatives, living in their hermetically sealed bubble in Washington, do not have access to common sense. It may be because they don't see the need. They have a job with amazing health benefits, they have homes and financial security, and they are surrounded by interested people who provide them with the political philosophies necessary to continue a lucrative symbiotic relationship, and their huge egos get stroked every day.  As long as they continue to appease their patrons, their career is not on the line.  But the price is conformance and absolute loyalty. Compromise, or even the appearance of compromise is a supreme sin not to be tolerated, and is punishable by party exile.  Which brings us to Chris Christie.

Sorry to be a prick, but it is time for Congress to
join the ranks of the unemployed.  Government workers
who have failed to perform should be the first to be
laid off under the sequester.  Average Americans would
not notice the difference.

Chris Christie is a party guy, and he did his part in the election by touting the virtues of Republican policy and promoting its candidates. Then came hurricane Sandy, and the need to work across party lines. In so doing he committed several venial sins for which he must do penance.  He has been excluded from CPAC, the conservative equivalent of the Academy Awards, where the faithful are rewarded with increased party influence, and right wing rhetoric increases the thickness of the Congressional protective bubble.  While the Republican party chastises Christie, voters in general have taken note of his leadership skills, improving his overall popularity rating to 74%.  He could be the best bet Republicans have for 2016, but they are not sure he can bend to kiss the ring.  And no one can fail to note that, like the federal deficit, Chris Christie's scope may be too broad for his own good.  So it occurs to me that we may be able to produce a viable popular presidential candidate and solve the debt crisis by putting both spending and Christie on a diet.  We just need to pick the plan.

The Democratic Chris Christie Diet Plan Solution:
Immediately ban all trans fats and high fructose corn syrup
nation wide.  Start with a comfortable daily caloric intake
coupled with a moderate exercise plan.  Form a federally funded
support group to allow Governor Christie to express his feelings.
Raise taxes to fund research to determine the cause of his
condition, and start a national Fat Awareness program to
help others like him.  Pass pork free legislation making
 negative comments about obesity a hate crime.
Blame the deregulation of Christie's Thyroid gland.

The Republican Chris Christie Diet Plan Solution:
Insist on no new tax increases.  Eliminate all food stamp
programs.  Allocate funds to subsidize crop yields.  Place
the Governor on a strict 1100 calorie daily intake, with
mandatory daily two hour exercise intervals.  Publicly
shame him on a regular basis.  Pass legislation to
increase government military spending, with riders
funding research into the sex life of turtles on the
Galapagos Islands conducted by marine industries
based in Florida.  Place Governor Christie on the
prayer list at Congressional prayer breakfasts, but
don't invite him.  Blame President Obama for all
setbacks or failures.

The Tea Party Chris Christie Diet Plan Solution:
Sign a pledge to block all other diet plan solutions.  Condemn
market regulations.  Chain Chris Christie to a wall
and don't feed him until his body weight regulates naturally.
Buy him Paul Ryan's PX90 tapes and charge the State of
New Jersey.  Read him daily excerpts from The Fountainhead
and Atlas Shrugged until he understands the concept of
rational self interest.  Condemn the leadership of both
parties for promoting big government, using Christie
as a gross example.  Propose legislation to end
income tax.  Refuse to cooperate with anyone.
Call President Obama a Socialist.
And Coming soon:  Congress discusses the budget!