Saturday, March 9, 2013

Big Tent Talk
by Max Christie

Max "Big Pussy" Christie,
Chris Christie's cat.
The Republican Party is completely
full of sh*t.  Come to Jersey, baby,
we'll straighten out your perspective.
Hey, Yo.  My name is Max, but you can call me Big Pussy if you want, because everybody does.  I guess it started out like a Sopranos joke, but I really don't like any of that Jersey stereotype B.S.  I know I'm very large, but I'm a sweet pussycat, just like Chrissy.

I've lived with Chris Christie since I was born.  You notice, I don't refer to him as my 'owner' or any of that crap.  He treats me like family, and I love that guy.  If you want to call it a bromance, well that's just your sick mind expressing your own perverted tendencies.  He is a decent loving man, and I consider him my friend.  And that's that.

Now you may have to understand Jersey to get what I am about to say, but Chris Christie is unusual in that he is basically an honest man, and by political standards here that makes him an effing saint. There are more Jersey ex-politicians doing time than there are grains of sand at the shore.  He has so much integrity that they could vote him in as that new Popey thing, and he would do better than most. But I think he should be President.

President Obama is a decent guy
with a good sense of humor.  I told him lots of
jokes and he laughed a lot.  You want to hear one
of the jokes?  OK, here's one:  "So yo, President
Obama.  Do you know why John Boehner wears
button fly jeans when he goes back to Ohio?  Its
because cows can hear a zipper two miles away!"
Yeah, he really enjoyed at that one.

Now forgive me for not understanding the inside workings of Washington, but here in Jersey when people need help you do what you can, and you don't stop until the job is done.  That's what Chrissy did when Sandy hit.  And people here took note and appreciated what was done.  They appreciated what Chrissy did, and they appreciated what President Obama did, and that's that.  Chris told the people that Washington would help, as they had always done when Americans were up against it.  And he had taken care of the party like a good soldier, and now they would take care of New Jersey, as is right and proper. Well I guess times have changed.  Personally I would have thought that the boys in D.C. would have passed the aid bill in record time and stood in line to ask what else they could do.  That's what disaster responders did.  That's what everybody in New Jersey and New York did.  But not those bozos. I think they have their heads so far up their asses that all they can see is sh*t.  Excuse me being crass, but its true.

Yo, we got your disaster aid right here.
When Boehner balked, we just couldn't believe what we
were hearing.  We thought Congress would jump on the
Sandy aid package the way I used to leap on rats behind
the Nathan's at Seaside Heights.  What's wrong with people
who won't even do lip service to human decency?

So now, what with the political world being all koyaanisqatsi upside down, Chrissy is not only a liberal tax and spender, he's a turncoat to the Republican Party.  It just scorches my balls to hear them say that, pardon the expression. Nobody has been more faithful to the party. Nobody.  I mean, do you have to give up your humanity and your integrity to troll for votes with these trolls?  Evidently you do. And now they're saying the real reason Chrissy can't ever be President is that he's too fat.  If you want to see too fat, just take a look at the personal bank accounts of those greedy d*ckless ass h*les.  They don't want to regulate business, but they want to regulate Chrissy's waist line.  What effing hypocracy.

If the 'Big Tent' fits...
Chris Christie's governance in New Jersey
exemplifies those values that the Republican
Party espouses, but they will not embrace
what they cannot control.

I don't understand.  The Republicans keep talking about their 'Big Tent'.  How big can it be when you aren't willing to help Americans whose homes washed out to sea, or whose livelihoods are gone forever.  Maybe once all of their egos are inside, the tent isn't so big anymore.  Real people can't get in.  And I guess they have to have space for the rich f**cks who are in there tinkering with elections and controlling party interests.  We wouldn't want to inconvenience them.  No way.

So the bottom line is, this country needs leadership, and if you want a good example of how that works, take a look at Chris Christie.  And if your politics are of a conservative nature, do what you can to get him on the 2016 ballot despite those whiny little girls in Washington who are screwing America for personal gain. And if you are more liberal in your thinking, take a look at Chrissy anyway.  You know that when the chips are down, he will take care of you, and he will work with anybody he needs to.  He will take care of you, and he will take care of this great country.  And if he manages to lose ten pounds by then, well great, but it won't change what he is, just like those arrogant ass wipes in Washington won't be changing their stripes any time soon, pardon my French.

Hey, G.O.P. here it is!
Chris said he wished you all well.  He's a better man than
I am.  I say, here's my extra large furry ass, go ahead and
kiss it, you %#** ":%**#@ ^$)"**@ parasites!
No offense.

Here in New Jersey we intend to rebuild with or without those pricks, and America should take a note and plan to do the same. We can start out by just standing up and saying loudly that this sh*t is just wrong, pardon my mouth.  And after we bring back the boardwalks, bring your family and enjoy a beautiful day at the beach.  So here's to those who wish us well, and all the rest can go to hell!  And that's that.  Sorry, didn't mean to offend.

And hey, we've got cheap gas in New Jersey and our state budget is balanced.  I'm just sayin'.

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