Saturday, March 2, 2013

The Sequestration Diet Plan
by Emma X

Emma X
What doesn't kill you still
hurts like hell.
In keeping with the recent practice of not doing a goddamned thing, Congress now brings us Sequestration. Sequestration in legislative terms simply means that if you can't do it, we will do it for you, with the ironic twist that the 'you' in the statement is Congress, and the 'we' is also Congress. This is not to leave out the President, who signed off on this fascinating idea eighteen months ago. And lets also mention American voters who returned the same party demographic to the 113th Congress, thus negating the reason for the Sequester in the first place. There is plenty of blame to go around and few solutions.
John Boehner blames the President and the
Democratically controlled Senate for the Sequester
debacle.  National polls suggest that American voters
view Republicans as obstructionist, and believe they
have shot themselves in the foot on this one.  Come
the 2014 elections, they may advocate Republican
candidates aim even higher.

Basically all parties involved understand that we are bloated by debt, and that a fiscal diet plan is necessary.  Your average American could sit down in a day or two and figure out the beginnings of a common sense solution. But government representatives, living in their hermetically sealed bubble in Washington, do not have access to common sense. It may be because they don't see the need. They have a job with amazing health benefits, they have homes and financial security, and they are surrounded by interested people who provide them with the political philosophies necessary to continue a lucrative symbiotic relationship, and their huge egos get stroked every day.  As long as they continue to appease their patrons, their career is not on the line.  But the price is conformance and absolute loyalty. Compromise, or even the appearance of compromise is a supreme sin not to be tolerated, and is punishable by party exile.  Which brings us to Chris Christie.

Sorry to be a prick, but it is time for Congress to
join the ranks of the unemployed.  Government workers
who have failed to perform should be the first to be
laid off under the sequester.  Average Americans would
not notice the difference.

Chris Christie is a party guy, and he did his part in the election by touting the virtues of Republican policy and promoting its candidates. Then came hurricane Sandy, and the need to work across party lines. In so doing he committed several venial sins for which he must do penance.  He has been excluded from CPAC, the conservative equivalent of the Academy Awards, where the faithful are rewarded with increased party influence, and right wing rhetoric increases the thickness of the Congressional protective bubble.  While the Republican party chastises Christie, voters in general have taken note of his leadership skills, improving his overall popularity rating to 74%.  He could be the best bet Republicans have for 2016, but they are not sure he can bend to kiss the ring.  And no one can fail to note that, like the federal deficit, Chris Christie's scope may be too broad for his own good.  So it occurs to me that we may be able to produce a viable popular presidential candidate and solve the debt crisis by putting both spending and Christie on a diet.  We just need to pick the plan.

The Democratic Chris Christie Diet Plan Solution:
Immediately ban all trans fats and high fructose corn syrup
nation wide.  Start with a comfortable daily caloric intake
coupled with a moderate exercise plan.  Form a federally funded
support group to allow Governor Christie to express his feelings.
Raise taxes to fund research to determine the cause of his
condition, and start a national Fat Awareness program to
help others like him.  Pass pork free legislation making
 negative comments about obesity a hate crime.
Blame the deregulation of Christie's Thyroid gland.

The Republican Chris Christie Diet Plan Solution:
Insist on no new tax increases.  Eliminate all food stamp
programs.  Allocate funds to subsidize crop yields.  Place
the Governor on a strict 1100 calorie daily intake, with
mandatory daily two hour exercise intervals.  Publicly
shame him on a regular basis.  Pass legislation to
increase government military spending, with riders
funding research into the sex life of turtles on the
Galapagos Islands conducted by marine industries
based in Florida.  Place Governor Christie on the
prayer list at Congressional prayer breakfasts, but
don't invite him.  Blame President Obama for all
setbacks or failures.

The Tea Party Chris Christie Diet Plan Solution:
Sign a pledge to block all other diet plan solutions.  Condemn
market regulations.  Chain Chris Christie to a wall
and don't feed him until his body weight regulates naturally.
Buy him Paul Ryan's PX90 tapes and charge the State of
New Jersey.  Read him daily excerpts from The Fountainhead
and Atlas Shrugged until he understands the concept of
rational self interest.  Condemn the leadership of both
parties for promoting big government, using Christie
as a gross example.  Propose legislation to end
income tax.  Refuse to cooperate with anyone.
Call President Obama a Socialist.
And Coming soon:  Congress discusses the budget!

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