Saturday, August 31, 2013

Awkwardness and Hubris
By Emma X

Emma X
Gentlemen, mom said
it best; no one wants
to see that.  Keep it
in your pants.
Today Bob Filner left public office.  Right up to the end I don't think he understood why.  His resignation speech was contrite, but it really was just a long complaint about how he had been railroaded out of his Mayoralship.  Bob doesn't get it.

Looks like a Grouper, acts like a groper.
In his apology, Bob Filner said that his physical attentions
were meant as flattery, but were misinterpreted due to his
"awkwardness and hubris".  Women don't misinterpret a
grope, Bob.  If you can feel that grab through three layers
of clothing and torso-length Spanx, you understand the
intent.  Hubris, yes.  Awkwardness?  Well not for lack of
trying.  I will credit you though for not discriminating as
to the age, race, or even mobility of your victims.  There's
a frustrated Feminist in there somewhere.
Anthony Weiner continues in his bid for Mayor of the City of New York despite his steady decline in the polls.  The insistence of community leaders, members of his own political party, and angry screaming citizens on the street cannot deter him from his path to destiny.  Anthony thinks voters will see him as a determined leader that will not quit.  We actually see him as a perv.  Anthony does not get it.

The mystery is why these men, and others like them in positions of authority just can't see the forest for the turgid tree.  If you or I had an angry mob outside our door screaming for us to cease and desist, we might pause and take stock.  But inevitably men driven by power lust just double-down.  I don't get it.

In the political world you can buy anything
but common sense.  Fool me once, shame on you.
Continue to put your sexy selfies on Twitter?  End up
doing political commentary on the new Al Jazeera

Today's news is that Anthony Weiner has been paying actors $15. an hour to show up at his events and feign support for his candidacy. Really?  How sad is that?  And how short-sighted.  For $17.50 he could have had them carry signs supporting photogenic Mr. Happy as well. But for real money, he could have hired some true professionals, like Eliot Spitzer did.  Pretending to be excited is their forte.  And they would happily take care of that other need also.

Former NY State Attorney General
Eliot Spitzer seemed poised to overcome his
public sexual indiscretions, but recent polls show
he has lost a 19% lead over his opponent.  This
after a failed career in in Punditry, and a failed
marriage.  If his bid for Comptroller is unsuccess-
ful, look for Eliot on future episodes of "Dancing
With the Stars".
It is clear that men like Anthony,  Bob and Eliot view their 'hobby' as separate from their career, and they want you to do the same. They don't understand the eeeew factor. They don't understand the negative response of the women they victimize.  In their psycho-sexual Conan the Barbarian power fantasy, women are always very receptive to them.  Go figure.

The most recent Quinnipiac Poll graphically shows
the continued deflation of Weiner's initial buoyancy.
We should also pity current NYC Comptroller John Liu,
  who is not able to make a showing larger than Weiner's,
thus unfortunately reinforcing a cultural stereotype.
Anyway, metropolitan voters are really being put to the test this political season.  Maybe voting results will provide future candidates with some teachable clarity. Sadly, history tells us they probably won't.

Have a wonderful and safe Labor Day weekend.  Soak in the last happy vestiges of summer.  Maybe I'll enjoy a big juicy hot dog.  I have a sudden craving.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Natural Born Killers
By Nebu Ganesh

Nebu Ganesh, East Coast Liberal Snob
The Tea Party wants their Country back, and

their country as they envision it is run by a
white man.
Ted Cruz is busy making political rounds, trying to convince Americans to eliminate Obamacare.  Anytime a politician hits the road speculation grows as to whether he or she isn't really out stumping for the White House. Only Ted knows that; but the ambitious Republican Junior Senator from Texas certainly looks the part, and his impassioned rhetoric against the The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act have caused some political pundits to view him as a Presidential possibility.

Ted Cruz intends to renounce
his Canadian citizenship, thus
eliminating any controversy as
to his eligibility to run for the
highest public office.  He may be
naive about the systemic racism
 in his own Tea Party.  Canada
will be the talking point, but Cuba
will be the real issue.
Ted is out among the populace touting the idea of shutting down the U.S. Government in order to defund Obamacare. Not a sturdy political platform you might think, but the audiences coming to hear Ted's push are rabidly enthusiastic about his 'give 'em hell' message, and its not going unnoticed by a fractured and frankly desperate GOP.  Lets not forget the Party's expressed need to 'diversify'.  As Ronald Reagan said, "a half a loaf is better than none", and for some in the Party, a half Cuban Conservative powerhouse may be more appealing than a good 'ole boy stuffed shirt with a terminal case of racial Tourettes.  And remember, this is the Party that doesn't really understand the depths of their own racism.  So half a loaf might be the recipe that delivers the Latin vote for the GOP.  At least that's the hope.

But wait a minute, there are a few problems.  Ted was born in Canada.  That wouldn't be an issue normally, as his mother is an American citizen, but unfortunately the Republican Party, either through direct malice or quiet approval, have knowingly abetted the Birther Movement, the never-ending Tea Party fiction that President Obama is not an American.  They have propagated that lie for six years despite the facts.  And now Birther paranoia could remove the White House from Ted's political future.  That would be a good thing for some hard liners, because then they wouldn't have to mention race.

A bit of a conundrum, eh?
This damning document proves that
Ted was born a Socialist.  Tea Party
patriots have been conditioned to
question everything that smacks of
foreign influence, and here's a
smoking gun!  It will be easy enough
for them to believe that something
is not quite right here, especially
after his Conservative rivals explain
it to them.  Detractors on both sides
of the political spectrum are already
calling Cruz 'Canadian Ted'.

The Birthers are simple folk.  They are not Rhodes Scholars.  They need a way to negate the legitimacy of Obama's Presidency without publicly calling him a socially unacceptable name, and Tea Party strategists provide what they need. Now that they have heard the lie often enough to believe it, they are not going to be fooled again by another half-breed whose birth certificate proudly proclaims he was born in Canada.  Nothing against Canada, of course.  Its just a method used to combat Mr. Cruz' lack of racial purity. You see Ted, you would only be half-white in their book.  And its not just the inbred Party base that will question your genesis.  You don't realize it now, but take one serious step toward the Presidency, and your extremist peers will turn on you as well.  They know how to spot a counterfeit.  The fact that your given name is Raphael and you don't use it tells them that you are hiding something.  And Canada, that's a Socialist country, isn't it?  Yes, you must be perpetrating a fraud. So talk radio and the Chauvinistic freaks that whip up anti-immigrant frenzy will toss their audiences this xenophobic bone to gnaw on, just like they did with that other half-white guy. Your political Kryptonite will be Article II of The Constitution, and a phrase that reads "natural born citizen".

Birther hero Donald Trump
will make fine fodder of the birth certificate
controversy whether or not he runs in a
primary.  The smart guys won't even suggest
race.  They will let morons like this do it for
 them.  Yes Ted, your Party base respects the
word of a racist bleached-blonde comb-over
obtuse narcissist before that of an Ivy League
educated Senator like yourself.  Welcome to
the American Dream.  Its a hard road for any
Now you know and I know that if your parent is an American so are you, just as in your heart you know that President Obama is in fact an American citizen as well. But are you natural born? All that bullsh*t that you didn't stand up to fight against is going to come right back around and bite you in the ass should you throw your straw fedora in the ring.  The GOP will use you to claim diversity and they will abet your crusade against Liberal legislation, and who knows, you may one day find yourself in a Primary debate, but in the end the Tea Party will kill your candidacy before America casts a vote. Why?  Because you don't meet their image of ideological purity that a Conservative President should represent, which is purely white.  And in secret conclaves that you, Ted, are not allowed to attend, they have vowed with a blood oath to never go 'there' again regardless of political alignment.  Hey, they know you're 'one of the good ones', but facts are facts.  To repeat their hackneyed phrase, "Its called the White House for a reason".

Its all about the birth
wouldn't you
agree?  Why mention racism?
Notice that I haven't mentioned the Liberals.  They will have a field day, too. What goes around comes around, my friend.  But take consolation in this; it wasn't going to happen for you anyway.  Your religious extremism?  Off-putting to believers of Separation of Church and State, not to mention the gay vote.  Your stance on women's rights and birth control?  Oops, there goes the ladies!  And extreme positions like shutting down the U.S. Government?  Wow, you really are naive on that one.  That action would touch every American voter in a negative way.  Also I'm not sure that Latinos see you as their advocate.  And the Centrist elder Congressmen that you're attacking right now certainly won't be there to support your campaign.  There's more, but why belabor the point.  The truth is, you're not going to be a Republican Presidential Candidate, Ted. Sorry.

You're not alone, Ted.
Piyush Jindal, a.k.a. 'Bobby', does
not have a hope in evangelical hell
of winning on the national political
scene either, and he was born in
Baton Rouge.  The Republicans
point to him to show diversity also, but
The Tea Party views the 'melting pot'
as something that should simmer
outside the White House.  They don't
 want that odd foreign smell inside.
So continue to carry water for the Tea Party.  Let them use you to rabble-rouse. Kill evil Liberal legislation in its crib and be a Conservative hero.  Go ahead and stand up for your vision of God and Country.  But don't expect to rise higher than you have in political office.  As the son of an immigrant, you have worked hard and your achievements should make your father proud.  But for all you have accomplished, you still don't get to define your citizenship.  That decision is still the province of the old white male establishment.  And Ted, I promise you, deep down they won't see you as one of their own.  In the big leagues, natural born is defined by race and zip code.  But then you learned that at any early age.  ¿No es así, Raphael?

One of the Tea Party's deepest fears is that an evil foreign agent will take over the White House.  You look white enough Ted, but then so did this guy.  The best way to avoid the whole psychodrama is to carefully select natural born candidates.  I'm sure you understand.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Lost in Translation
Excerpts from The NEO Testament
for the Conservative New World
By The Right Reverend Ellsworth Goody

Rev. Ellsworth Goody, PhD.
Professor of Religion and Philosophy,
at New York University Online,

Author of 'Jehovah's Fitness' and
'Religion by Pedigree'.
"Perhaps we never understood the
Conservative Jesus."
Most Tea Party politicians claim Jesus as their spiritual guide and The Bible as their infallable source of philosophical inspiration.  I say most, because some carry around a well worn copy of Atlas Shrugged.  But even they espouse the teachings of Christ as central to their mission, and why not?  It is the tried and true method for garnering money, influence and votes in America's current political climate.

Rand Paul is one of the most influential Tea
Party politicians.  His political philosophy is
a hybrid.  He says he loves Jesus, Ayn Rand
and Led Zeppelin.  His policies lean heavily
toward Objectivism.  They lack a Whole Lotta
for the common man, but he feels that
ultimately they are a Stairway To economic
Heaven.  Ayn Rand said, "I am against God.
I don't approve of religion.  It is a sign of
psychological weakness...I regard it as evil."
She hated Ronald Reagan as well.

They have not invented anything new.  A political relationship with God has been going on since the first Shaman stood up from his trance and announced that he had just spoken with The Almighty, and had a message for the tribe.  That savvy cleric invented the politics of religion, and at that moment would-be rulers learned that the most effective way to control the populace is to link the will of God with the duty of the people.  We have been living with the 'God and King' or "God and Country' model of government ever since.

Jesus presenting the Pilgrims with the NEO
Testament.  "This day I give unto you a NEO
Testament.  Only you and your decendants
will be able to successfully interpret my
words.  Enjoy the New World and do what
you want with it.  The Earth is only temp-
orary after all.  By the way, the first thing
you need to do is put a lid on those natives.
May I suggest some plague infested

It was in the spirit of The Enlightenment, though, that the American experiment was born.  The idea that all men are equal and able to establish their own representative government was radically new, emphasizing personal worth beyond that of the Greek model.

Jesus feeding the multitude.
And he said unto them, "Give these loaves and fishes
to the hungry multitude, but charge them eight shekels
each.  I know its a rip-off price, but where else can
they go?  I tell you now, there is no free ride in heaven."
Matthew 14:13, The NEO Testament for the
Conservative New World.
Ironically, one of the most influential philosophies contributing to a belief in individual freedoms was that of Jesus of Nazareth.  His words spawned anti-slavery movements, women's suffrage, and the American civil rights movement.  Jesus cared about all people.  So one might logically think that the right wing followers of Jesus would espouse the same principals that He did; feed the hungry, help the poor, heal the sick, etc.  But there seems to be a dichotomy between what conservatives believe, and what they legislate.

Jesus rebuking the Pharisees over unfair
interest rates.  And Jesus spake to them, "You have
made my house a den of thieves.  You are charging
too much interest to the rich.  Lower their rates,
and profits shall trickle down like manna from
heaven."  Luke 16:19, The NEO Testament for
the Conservative New World.
Perhaps that perception is in error. There have been many Biblical translations over the past six millenia.  Maybe Tea Party politicians are in possession of a different tome with a different set of commandments.  Perhaps God, as with The Mormons and The Book of Mormon, presented the Pilgrims with a new book, a NEO Testament if you will, describing what religious immigrants to the New World should be thinking and doing in order to follow Him.  This would explain what appears to be a conflict of moral purpose.  It must be true. Otherwise Conservative Christian politicians look and act like huge honking hypocrites, and we certainly know that's not the case.

The woman taken in adultery.
At dawn the rabbis brought a woman taken
in adultery.  Jesus said, "Let he among you
who is without sin cast the first stone." 
Then he said to one of the Pharisees,
"Ahaz, you don't look very sinful today.
Go ahead and fire away."  Later, Jesus
addressed the crowd.  He said, "Trust
not any unclean thing, nor anything that 
bleedeth for five days, but doth not die."
 John 8:1, The NEO Testament for the 
Conservative New World.

So while it is all conjecture, here are some possible alternatives to the Gospel that would explain Conservative Christian morality. Maybe in the modern world we don't understand Jesus at all.  God bless our Conservative Christian leaders, and the new religious thought they seek to represent.  May they reap all that they sow.

The road to the White House.
Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone
wishes to come after Me, he must deny

Global Warming, and take up his Corporate 
Benefactors' cross and follow Me."
Matthew 16:24, The NEO Testament for the
Conservative New World.

"Render unto Caesar's Palace a regulation-free business environment with a hard edge over the competition, and unto God a 10% piece of the action.  Matthew 22:20, The NEO Testament for the Conservative New World.


Saturday, August 10, 2013

Double, Double Toil and Trouble...
By Emma X

Emma X
Fewer Republican Debates?
Reince Priebus is afraid of Hillary Clinton.  She hasn't said she is running for President in 2016, in fact she says she is not, but Reince is still afraid of her.  And well he should be.  If she decides to run she will win.  If she decides not to run the candidate she campaigns for will win.  The prospect is giving poor Reince nightmares.  So he has sent letters to CNN and NBC crying foul over upcoming entertainment projects focused on Ms. Clinton, calling them nothing more than long playing free political ads.  Its not fair, claims Priebus, and we know how much the GOP respects a level playing field.

Reince Priebus leads by example, keeping
politics at a third grade level.  In a letter to
Comcast VP David Cohen (NBC Universal's)
parent company) Priebus said, "Your company
has expressly stated that your choice to air the
(Clinton) miniseries in the near future would
avoid concerns of running afoul of equal time
election laws.  This suggests a deliberate
attempt at influencing American opinion in
favor of a preferred candidate, not to mention
a guilty conscience."  Priebus will undoubtedly
make his case repeatedly on Fox News, the
Conservative propaganda machine designed to
influence American opinion in favor of preferred
Let's forget for a moment that Hillary Clinton has credentials, world-wide political influence, an excellent relationship with the office incumbent, a good relationship with the Liberals in Congress, and a political team that can move and shake across demographic barriers.  Evidently bringing that to light causes undue influence with voters. The real problem is that the GOP doesn't have a candidate to match her, or any other possible hopeful that the Democrats may put forward. You might think that a field of weak candidates could be blamed on the GOP for lack of preparation and foresight.  But Reince is crying unfair to the so-called Liberal media.  He has to.  If there is no scapegoat, the Republican Party may just question its leadership. And if they lose, they most certainly will blame Reince, as soon as they figure out how to correctly pronounce his name.

"...and eye of Newt Gingrich..."
Hillary Clinton is the evil witch that
haunts Reince Priebus' dreams.  If she
casts her political spell, the GOP will
fall to ruin.  Her dark magic is abetted
by a 'blaspheming jew" in Hellscape
Hollywood, although Reince stopped
short of saying it that way.  His own
Growth and Opportunity Project told
him not to.
So Priebus has to stop this Hillary momentum, and like a typical third grader, he is threatening to take his political football and go home.  The GOP will not allow their Presidential hopefuls to participate in debates on CNN or NBC if those networks insist on continuing with their Clinton projects.

Thank God.  What good news.  That's a win/win for both Reince and the viewing public, although he probably doesn't see it that way.  Just a few painful recollections of the twenty odd Republican debates in 2012 should cause you to leap for joy at this news. Unless, of course, you have a hostile fear of truth.  Reince doesn't understand that NOT presenting the Republican Party Platform as interpreted by the Tea Party will take his candidates much farther down the road to 2016 victory.  That is until the successful nominee meets up with Hillary.  Or someone like her. Someone that is qualified and has their political organization positioned to win.

Hillary's evil minions in Hollywood are hell bent on
deluding and destroying innocent voters who would otherwise
vote Republican.  The lack of informative Republican debate
will lead us all to the slaughter.  If true, Liberal Hollywood
will end up beating the GOP at their own media game.
There are some possible strong candidates in the GOP Big Tent, but the Tea Party has spent the past few years demonizing them and hurling feces at their political centrism from their fetid monkey cage in Congress.  Honest, Reince, I don't know if you realize it, but you have hit upon the best possible solution for these trying times; keep that cage covered until the last possible moment.  If you can convince your party and the world that this is a big boy power play at the same time, more power to you.  If we don't have to listen to 24/7 of Bubble Bullsh*t for two years, we the people will heartily thank you.

I have to admit that I do not understand the economic impact of the denial of Republican debate on these networks, nor did I look it up. CNN proved in 2012 that they could not deliver a hardball question to any political candidate of either party, lest they offend.  So I guess that proves that debate ratings are important.  They have left the field of journalism to compete for viewership with the Sons of Goebbels over at FOX anyway.  Being bullied by Priebus is the least of the punishments they deserve.  How they will handle this is their business, literally.  But I doubt they will knuckle under.  This appears to be the first in what will be a series of political grandstands designed to cause the public to believe that the GOP is forced to contend in a politically polluted environment fouled by prejudice.  Who knows, some people may come to believe it.  But the truth is, when you examine the bubbling cauldron of journalistic adventurism, it's clear where the malevolent smell is coming from.

Matt Moore
"I say, 'not in South Carolina!'
to debates produced by networks
that act more like Hillary Clinton's
campaign team than unbiased
news sources.  Such political
favoritism has no place in
American journalism.  Its
unacceptable..."  Matt is one of
those rare Southern Amish Repub-

licans that have never seen or
heard of FOX News.

South Carolina, the first State to secede during the War of Northern Oppression, was also the first State to back up the Priebus plan.  Matt Moore, South Carolina's new Republican Party Chairman says that he will not allow CNN or NBC to broadcast debates of GOP Presidential candidates in his State if they air programs on Hillary Clinton.  Be careful, folks.  As South Carolina goes, so goes the Confederacy.  BTW, the News Divisions of CNN and NBC have absolutely nothing to do with the programming in question.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Love Child
By Rand Colbert

Rand Colbert,
Stephen Colbert's Cat
Quid est veritas?  Filii crudelis est,
vita sugit, atque in te moveat.
I can't believe the prejudicial crap storm going on in 'Shitcago'.  True Americans need to re-examine the pure motives of tireless public servant Jim Allen.  I mean, when he was making a public comment, he was a good soldier and said all of the politically correct things about Erika Harold's candidacy.  As the Montgomery County Chair of the GOP he did get the diversity memo, and poor Jim did all he could as far as duty required.  It was when he thought he was safe he let down his hair and spoke the truth as he sees it, man to man, about the Illinois Congressional election situation.  And wouldn't you know it?  Some Liberal-leaning RINO turncoat outed him on the Internet.  You can't blame Jim.  He is the real victim here.  Enemies of right-wing ideological purity are creeping up to strike everywhere.

Shitcago, sight of the world's greatest political injustice.
Liberal pimps are taking over America's great cities, but if you happen to
mention it you lose your job!
Good soldier that he is, Jim didn't realize that he was too low on the political ladder to not be expendable.  I mean fellow conservative Congressmen (and I suppose Congresswomen) can spout prejudice and vitriol in the national political ring and get air time on CNN.  Poor Jim cranks out one flaming e-mail about an uppity Beyonce ruining his plans to reinstate a white man in the Illinois Congressional seat, and he is woefully betrayed by a back stabbing Liberal-loving snake in the grass.  I'm sure you can understand his surprise and shock.  After all, the fraternity all talk that way in private.  They must, else why would Jim Allen share what he had to know to be inflammatory rhetoric in a political e-mail?

Publicly, Jim Allen said that he was
happy with Davis (the male Republican
candidate) and that it would be "fabulous"
if Erika Harold ran for a different office.
"Why start a war when there's really no war
necessary?"  He still retains his job in the
Illinois Secretary of State's Office, even
though he was forced to resign as a GOP
Party Chairman.
You can't expect a simple guy like Jim to be able to successfully sift through all the mixed messages that are out there.  I mean, he didn't call Ms. Harold a street walker in public, did he?  He didn't openly suggest that she was the bastard love child of the Democrats, or that she might only succeed in life because of minority quotas on the record.  Faith was kept, people, both with the new politically correct party line, and the backroom ideology of white conservative male truth.  Jim was railroaded folks, and as true Americans we should be horrified about his victimization.

Doug Ibendahl, shadowy Editor-in-Chief
The Republican Newswatch.  He is the
Benedict Arnold who published Allen's rant.  This is
what he said:  "Outrageous comments like those of
Jim Allen are why we as Republicans fail to gain any
respect from minority voters.  If officials in my party
 fail to understand how destructive it is to attack an
impressive person like Erika Harold merely because
she dares to challenge the good-old-boys, the GOP
will remain a losing party for decades.  This stay-in-
 the-back-of-the-bus mentality destroys any hope the
Republican Party has for regaining momentum in
future elections."  Well, nobody would have had to
consider our 'mentality', Doug, if you hadn't presented
it as red meat to the Socialists growling in the 'back
of the bus'.  You clearly understood the ramifications
where Jim Allen did not.  Where's your party loyalty?
And what is it with you and hyphens?  You use them
very Liberally, I must say.
So now Jim is out as the Montgomery County Republican Party Chairman. What a shame that Reince Preibus would turn on his own like that.  We certainly have to question his commitment to the cause, I can tell you.  Preibus said, "The astonishingly offensive views expressed by Chairman Allen have absolutely no place among the leaders of our party at any level. His behavior is inexcusable and must not be tolerated.  He should apologize to Erika Harold and resign immediately." Do you think he meant it?  No, he just made a sacrificial goat out of Jim Allen because he was expendable.  If Preibus meant what he said, he would have sent a similar message to Trent Franks, Steve King, Michele Bachmann, Todd Akin, Michael Burgess, Ted Cruz, Louis Gohmert... well, the list goes on.

The Little Queen, Erika Harold,
former Miss America and would-be GOP
candidate for Congress.  She's not ready to
compete against entrenched Republican
candidates in Illinois, and won't be as long
as she is only half-white and female.
So now you can see now that Jim Allen has been used poorly by the GOP.  Write to Reince Preibus and tell him that you agree that street walkers and pimps should not be dominating Shitcago politics.  Tell him you want an honest man like Jim Allen reinstated.  The future of the GOP is in the hands of loyal men like Jim.

Hey, folks.  Jim did apologize.  Since when is that not worth
something?  I mean, this is all he said:  "Rodney Davis will win
and the love child of the DNC will be back in Shitcago by May
of 2014 working for some law firm that needs to meet their quota
for minority hires.  The little queen touts her abstinence and she won
the crown because she got bullied in are
cruel, life sucks and you move on.  Now, miss queen is being used
like a street walker and her pimps are the DEMOCRATIC PARTY
and RINO REPUBLICANS."  All of this could come true, you know.
And Jim didn't call her a street walker, he merely said she was being
used like one.  He did mention her abstinence, didn't he?  There is no
way he can be construed as attacking her honor.  And I think we can
all agree that Democrats and RINOs are pimps.  Let's not be afraid of
a little truth, people.  Tell Reince Preibus to bring Jim Allen home.