Saturday, August 24, 2013

Natural Born Killers
By Nebu Ganesh

Nebu Ganesh, East Coast Liberal Snob
The Tea Party wants their Country back, and

their country as they envision it is run by a
white man.
Ted Cruz is busy making political rounds, trying to convince Americans to eliminate Obamacare.  Anytime a politician hits the road speculation grows as to whether he or she isn't really out stumping for the White House. Only Ted knows that; but the ambitious Republican Junior Senator from Texas certainly looks the part, and his impassioned rhetoric against the The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act have caused some political pundits to view him as a Presidential possibility.

Ted Cruz intends to renounce
his Canadian citizenship, thus
eliminating any controversy as
to his eligibility to run for the
highest public office.  He may be
naive about the systemic racism
 in his own Tea Party.  Canada
will be the talking point, but Cuba
will be the real issue.
Ted is out among the populace touting the idea of shutting down the U.S. Government in order to defund Obamacare. Not a sturdy political platform you might think, but the audiences coming to hear Ted's push are rabidly enthusiastic about his 'give 'em hell' message, and its not going unnoticed by a fractured and frankly desperate GOP.  Lets not forget the Party's expressed need to 'diversify'.  As Ronald Reagan said, "a half a loaf is better than none", and for some in the Party, a half Cuban Conservative powerhouse may be more appealing than a good 'ole boy stuffed shirt with a terminal case of racial Tourettes.  And remember, this is the Party that doesn't really understand the depths of their own racism.  So half a loaf might be the recipe that delivers the Latin vote for the GOP.  At least that's the hope.

But wait a minute, there are a few problems.  Ted was born in Canada.  That wouldn't be an issue normally, as his mother is an American citizen, but unfortunately the Republican Party, either through direct malice or quiet approval, have knowingly abetted the Birther Movement, the never-ending Tea Party fiction that President Obama is not an American.  They have propagated that lie for six years despite the facts.  And now Birther paranoia could remove the White House from Ted's political future.  That would be a good thing for some hard liners, because then they wouldn't have to mention race.

A bit of a conundrum, eh?
This damning document proves that
Ted was born a Socialist.  Tea Party
patriots have been conditioned to
question everything that smacks of
foreign influence, and here's a
smoking gun!  It will be easy enough
for them to believe that something
is not quite right here, especially
after his Conservative rivals explain
it to them.  Detractors on both sides
of the political spectrum are already
calling Cruz 'Canadian Ted'.

The Birthers are simple folk.  They are not Rhodes Scholars.  They need a way to negate the legitimacy of Obama's Presidency without publicly calling him a socially unacceptable name, and Tea Party strategists provide what they need. Now that they have heard the lie often enough to believe it, they are not going to be fooled again by another half-breed whose birth certificate proudly proclaims he was born in Canada.  Nothing against Canada, of course.  Its just a method used to combat Mr. Cruz' lack of racial purity. You see Ted, you would only be half-white in their book.  And its not just the inbred Party base that will question your genesis.  You don't realize it now, but take one serious step toward the Presidency, and your extremist peers will turn on you as well.  They know how to spot a counterfeit.  The fact that your given name is Raphael and you don't use it tells them that you are hiding something.  And Canada, that's a Socialist country, isn't it?  Yes, you must be perpetrating a fraud. So talk radio and the Chauvinistic freaks that whip up anti-immigrant frenzy will toss their audiences this xenophobic bone to gnaw on, just like they did with that other half-white guy. Your political Kryptonite will be Article II of The Constitution, and a phrase that reads "natural born citizen".

Birther hero Donald Trump
will make fine fodder of the birth certificate
controversy whether or not he runs in a
primary.  The smart guys won't even suggest
race.  They will let morons like this do it for
 them.  Yes Ted, your Party base respects the
word of a racist bleached-blonde comb-over
obtuse narcissist before that of an Ivy League
educated Senator like yourself.  Welcome to
the American Dream.  Its a hard road for any
Now you know and I know that if your parent is an American so are you, just as in your heart you know that President Obama is in fact an American citizen as well. But are you natural born? All that bullsh*t that you didn't stand up to fight against is going to come right back around and bite you in the ass should you throw your straw fedora in the ring.  The GOP will use you to claim diversity and they will abet your crusade against Liberal legislation, and who knows, you may one day find yourself in a Primary debate, but in the end the Tea Party will kill your candidacy before America casts a vote. Why?  Because you don't meet their image of ideological purity that a Conservative President should represent, which is purely white.  And in secret conclaves that you, Ted, are not allowed to attend, they have vowed with a blood oath to never go 'there' again regardless of political alignment.  Hey, they know you're 'one of the good ones', but facts are facts.  To repeat their hackneyed phrase, "Its called the White House for a reason".

Its all about the birth
wouldn't you
agree?  Why mention racism?
Notice that I haven't mentioned the Liberals.  They will have a field day, too. What goes around comes around, my friend.  But take consolation in this; it wasn't going to happen for you anyway.  Your religious extremism?  Off-putting to believers of Separation of Church and State, not to mention the gay vote.  Your stance on women's rights and birth control?  Oops, there goes the ladies!  And extreme positions like shutting down the U.S. Government?  Wow, you really are naive on that one.  That action would touch every American voter in a negative way.  Also I'm not sure that Latinos see you as their advocate.  And the Centrist elder Congressmen that you're attacking right now certainly won't be there to support your campaign.  There's more, but why belabor the point.  The truth is, you're not going to be a Republican Presidential Candidate, Ted. Sorry.

You're not alone, Ted.
Piyush Jindal, a.k.a. 'Bobby', does
not have a hope in evangelical hell
of winning on the national political
scene either, and he was born in
Baton Rouge.  The Republicans
point to him to show diversity also, but
The Tea Party views the 'melting pot'
as something that should simmer
outside the White House.  They don't
 want that odd foreign smell inside.
So continue to carry water for the Tea Party.  Let them use you to rabble-rouse. Kill evil Liberal legislation in its crib and be a Conservative hero.  Go ahead and stand up for your vision of God and Country.  But don't expect to rise higher than you have in political office.  As the son of an immigrant, you have worked hard and your achievements should make your father proud.  But for all you have accomplished, you still don't get to define your citizenship.  That decision is still the province of the old white male establishment.  And Ted, I promise you, deep down they won't see you as one of their own.  In the big leagues, natural born is defined by race and zip code.  But then you learned that at any early age.  ¿No es así, Raphael?

One of the Tea Party's deepest fears is that an evil foreign agent will take over the White House.  You look white enough Ted, but then so did this guy.  The best way to avoid the whole psychodrama is to carefully select natural born candidates.  I'm sure you understand.

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