Saturday, April 27, 2013

Martian Membership
By Emma X

Emma X
One more small step for mankind that
excluded women.
There wasn't going to be a blog this week.  The news out of Boston and West, Texas was horrible.  Certainly nothing to make light of.  And of course our legislators let us down again on gun control.  Not entirely unexpected, but there is the problem.  There is nothing new, and a feeling person can't make sport of tragedy.  Then it came to my attention that the geeks at NASA had drawn a penis on the surface of Mars.  Hurrah!  My faith in human absurdity came back with burgeoning buoyancy.

NASA says the phallic figure is a natural result of one of its six-wheeled rovers changing direction.  Don't you believe it.  Those guru geeks at the controls love to play with their joy sticks, and I'm sure one boring afternoon they decided to put their equipment through some paces.  The dorks drew a dork.  They should proudly own up to it, and not even suggest it was inadvertent.  It's a good joke.  Of course, I am not one to criticize, seeing as the last MCR blog was basically just a full page of fart references.  (For those of you who enjoy that sort of thing, please read 'Inherit the Wind'.  For those of you who might be offended, my humble apologies, and please know for future reference that the tone of this newsletter will probably not improve.)

Mohawk Guy was always a little too hip
for his peer group.  My conspiracy theory
says he was the mastermind behind the
whole boner brouhaha at NASA.

So I have embraced my first conspiracy theory, and I choose to believe that NASA has spent more than $1.8 billion to draw a big erect schwanz on the red planet. And why not?  Humans are at best a crude and aggressive species.  It's not hard to believe that homo sapiens might drunk drive dad's big boy missle through the galactic environs and end up defacing the neighbors yard with a twerp todger.

The new Martian Grand
Canyon near Olympus Mons.

The NASA nomes opted to not
include female goddess imagery
when vandalizing the red planet.
My complaint is this; as usual, no one thought to place a female symbol on the red planet.  Why no Martian vagina?  I mean, its a simple slit trench, guys.  I'm sure your Radio Shack robot could manage to reproduce a basic feminine fertility icon. No, I have to believe that we have just exported misogyny to new planetary frontiers.  In retrospect, we could probably not expect anything else from a group of trekkies who have never actually seen a vagina, even though they could have probably produced that image more efficiently, and for about $.74 cents on the dollar. Still, the whole mechanical member story made me smile during a rough week.  I guess sexist dweebs are good for something.

The red flagpole of controversy.
Archeolgists excavating Roman ruins find erect phalluses scribbled on public streets
to show the way to local brothels.  What are we saying to alien civilizations who
might happen upon our technical erections?  We should anticipate an out-of-this-world tourist boom.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Inherit The Wind
By Nebu Ganesh

Nebu Ganesh, PhD.
"The blossom cannot tell what becomes of its
odor; and no man can tell what becomes of his
-- Henry Ward Beecher
As jaded as I am about the Republican Party I am beginning to feel sorry for Reince Preibus.  The RNC spent God knows how much money on the Growth and Opportunity Project, and instead of doing what it was supposed to do, it seems to have triggered a sort of stress-induced malordorous release among the party faithful.  Racial slurs and bigoted epithets are backfiring out of old school republicans at a rate not seen since the tense days preceding the Presidential election.  Not exactly the liberating delivery the RNC anticipated.

A controversial conservative crowd-splitter
for sure, but understanding your audience and designing
 materials that meet their specific need is the key to
effective training and communication, and is essential
for eliminating unwanted  miasmic political by-products.
I think Reince and the boys are too subtle.  They should simply put out a statement that says that times have changed and the Southern Strategy just won't work anymore.  And maybe they could produce a few workbooks listing words and phrases that are not acceptable to use in public, particularly when pooted by elected officials.  How about a workshop that teaches politicians of a certain age how to recognize when cameras and microphones are in the room?  Maybe an explanation of how that new- fangled system of pipes and tubes called the Internet blasts wind instantaneously around cyberspace.   You know, practical tools that would help the faithful know when not to discharge their race-biased methane in public. Simple solutions that could potentially clear the air.

BREAKING NEWS:  The failure of Republican attempts
to prevent spontaneous party combustion is becoming
thunderously obvious.
Actually, I prefer the old school form of bias, where the truth just suddenly spews forth like a sudden release of awkward flatulence.  It's uncomfortable for everyone in the room, but a relief for the politician who had no idea how to deal with the backup, and everyone knows what's what.  Its the younger generation of ultra conservatives whose fulsomeness is silent but deadly.  They know the words and phrases they should not expel.  Their prejudice comes through their message, which is usually a distorted argument that sounds plausible, but which contains an uncorked symphony of bigotry in its bowels.

Cheesin' Cracker.  Rand Paul went to Howard University
to explain to young black people that they are the political
heirs of an abolitionist Republican Party.  Of course that
is not true, but Paul evidently thought that intelligent black
students would not understand their own cultural legacy.
Most pundits feel he is passing a ripple that he may run
for President in 2016, and that his two recent visits to
black colleges were a political stunt that left an odorous
fizzle for sensitive minority noses.
The current generation of charismatic Neo-cons have embraced the systemic racism passed on by their political fathers.  Its invisible on the surface but much more potent in its unexpected delivery.  But the voting population is quickly catching on.  How could they not, when free-floating gaseous particles of parp prejudice are bombarding their airways?  Forget your Growth and Opportunity Inclusion Council, Reince. You need to produce a simple tool that will kill barking spiders.

Pull my finger.
Jim Gile is the old poop who
recently went on record with the
term 'n*gger rigging'.  The Saline
County Kansas official apologized
and said he was not racist because
he had helped build habitat homes
for 'colored' people.  Jim didn't
expect the angry back blast from
his inadvertent brain fart.
Just calling your name.
Republican Congressman Don Young of Alaska
experienced an unexpected wet backside with his 'wetback'
plotcher.  He claims that back in the day the adjective was not
derogatory.  The term 'wetback' first appeared in The New
 York Times in 1924, and in 1954 the U.S. Government named
 a mass deportation of Mexican nationals 'Operation Wetback'.
Don Young dragged this squeaker into the 21st century.  He
said that he meant no disrespect when he was not able to blame
his racist lingerer on the dog.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

High Noon
By Emma X

Emma X
Some issues really are
black and white.
90%.  According to recent national polls, that is the number of people who support background checks when buying guns. The same polls show 86% of active NRA members favor the same.  One would think that the passage of Manchin-Toomey would be as easy as shooting tin cans off a fence rail ten feet away. Not so if you live in the rough and tumble town of Hadleyville, or as we know it, Congress.

Hadleyville is a lawless place, mainly because its denizens are too scared to pass meaningful legislation. They have been cowed by special interest groups for three decades, much to the detriment of the American people.  As with every morality play, it has come down to a showdown between good and evil, or in this case, a public confrontation between a cowardly electorate and special interest bad guys at the NRA, who are coming back to town to let the citizenship know who really wields the power.  Its High Noon for common sense gun legislation.

Senator Joseph Manchin III, Democrat from West
Virginia.  He is a gun enthusiast who wept during meetings
with families of Newtown victims.
Americans love the movie High Noon because it exemplifies our spirit.  We stand up against the bad guy. We show courage under fire. We make sacrifices for what is right.  History proves this to be true. But we have failed to elect representatives who embody these American values.

Senator Patrick Toomey, Republican
from Pennsylvania.  He does not consider
criminal background checks to be a gun
control issue.  He acknowledges that he
has taken heat from fellow conservatives
over his bipartisan bill.
At last we have a stand-up guy in Joe Manchin. Senator Manchin decided that enough was enough. He wanted a bi-partisan gun control bill so badly that he hung out in the Capitol Building subway, making his pitch to Republicans that were a captive audience for the short ride.  Just like Will Kane, he got no takers.  Not until Patrick Toomey agreed to co-sponsor a background check proposal.  At long last America has not one but two heroes willing to meet vengeful special interest bullies face to face in the public thoroughfare.

Like the Miller gang, Wayne LaPierre and the boys have threatened to take
revenge on anyone who gets in their way.  As with most shoot-outs, the lives of
innocent bystanders are not factored into the equation.  They will not support
background checks, although they pledged to do so under the Bush administration,
and again after the Aurora, Colorado massacre.
And the bullies have made their threats.  The NRA keeps a list of 'Future Candidate Evaluations'  Currently both Manchin and Toomey, both gun enthusiasts, enjoy an 'A' rating with the NRA.  The clear threat is, pass this bill and you won't get re-elected. No money, no support, and once we spread the word, no candidacy.  That goes not just for Manchin and Toomey, but for every member of Congress that supports their bill.  With 86% approval of their own members, this bill is the best opportunity the NRA will ever have to show they are willing to compromise.  The fact that they won't reveals their mettle. They will take the day, or go down with guns blazing.  But they don't intend to go down, because they never have.  Their aim is true, and their ammunition is paid for.

Chris Cox, top NRA Lobbyist.  He sent a warning letter
to members of Congress on Wednesday.  "Expanding back-
ground checks, at gun shows or elsewhere, will not reduce
violent crime or keep our kids safe in our schools.  Given
the importance of these issues, votes on all anti-gun amend-
ments or proposals will be considered in NRA's future candi-
date evaluations."  The NRA participated in the drafting of the
bill, insisting on compromises that watered it down, then they
threatened anyone who might stand up for what's left.
Many thoughtful people have criticisms of this bill. I am not here to suggest that it is the best effort that could be put forth, or that it does not have room for improvement.  I merely point out that it is now patently clear to everyone concerned that there will be no compromise from the NRA. Not with 90% of American voter support.  Not with 86% NRA member approval.  Not now, not ever.  Why should they compromise, when the citizens of Hadleyville are too afraid to stand up to them?
'Do not forsake me, oh my darlin...'
In the end it was the heroine that eliminated the bad guy.
Let's send more women to Congress.  If guns are a
necessity in this culture, we will figure out how to
protect our children.  It's a black and white issue for us,
one that's not negotiable.
   The NRA has less than 5 million members, in a country with a population of 310 million.  Their considerable wealth and influence comes from gun manufacturers and distributors, and related special interests, hence their obsessive passion to sell more guns.  It's time for all of us to meet them on Main Street to explain that the 2nd Amendment is in The Constitution to protect majority rule, and that the majority of Americans will decide what it means. 

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Up Against a Stone Wall
by Emma X

Emma X
Dear Reince, I don't think
your memo got out.
Cats are confused about gay marriage.  Some of them wonder if their humans are gay and they are living in an unnatural environment.  (The answer is, yes you are, but it has nothing to do with anyone’s sexual practices.)  Others want to know if the weird moggie next door is maybe a little light in the loafers.  It is a moot question to me.  Most house cats don’t understand sexual orientation because of forced sterilization.  We are more victims of Stockholm Syndrome than observers of sexual diversity.

Homosexuality  occurs among felines
in the same proportion to population as in other
species, probably 7 to 10%.  With spayed or
neutered cats it is hard to know, but then again...
Scientists report that homosexuality occurs naturally in populations of social animals, with the caveat that many populations have not been studied.  They do not fully understand the causes, but Geneticists are getting close.  What’s clear is that whatever proof they provide, one way or the other, will not be accepted by half of the population.  And should it be proven without a shadow of a doubt that homosexuality is genetic, one hundred years later there will still be people who refuse to believe it.  That is human nature, something the rest of the denizens of this planet are grateful to be without.

Human nature does not like change, and does not admit to error.  Humans will boldly bury the needle on the rationality scale rather than admit they might be wrong, often to the point of absurdity.  And people who view themselves as decent and God-fearing cannot entertain the thought that they might be bigots, which is what cultural change will label them.

Sue Everhart, Georgia GOP Chairwoman.
She won't be fooled by false claims of civil rights.  Gay
marriage is a money grab y'all, pure and simple.  To be
fair, Sue probably doesn't know any gay men.  If she did,
she wouldn't have that hairdo.
Sue Everhart, Chairwoman of the Georgia GOP went on record this week with her theory about the real motivation behind the push for gay marriage.  She made this statement to The Marietta Daily Journal:

"You may be as straight as an arrow, and you may have a friend that is as straight as an arrow.  Say you had a great job with the government where you had this wonderful health plan.  I mean, what would prohibit you from saying that you're gay, and y'all get married and still live as separate, but you get all the benefits?  I just see so much abuse in this it's unreal.  I believe a husband and a wife should be a man and a woman, the benefits should be for a man and a woman.  There is no way that this is about equality.  To me, it's all about a free ride."

Heterosexual 'free riders' Skullf**ker Tom and Donny 'Gang'
Green can't wait to get gay married and cash in on the newest
benefits scam.  They would rather have good dental care than
worry about possible criticism from the other men in their social
club.  Most heterosexual men won't mind the 'gay' label.  The
Skullf**ker- Gang Green family will register at Bed, Bath and Beyond.

Then there's Frank Luter, President of The Southern Baptist Convention, who implied that aggression by North Korea in recent weeks was linked to the gay marriage debate:

North Korean Boy Scout Kim Jong Un is mad.
At last we know the reason for the saber-rattling.  He would
rather bring the world to the brink of nuclear war than tolerate
Western talk of gay marriage.  Un is pictured here holding hands
with his key allies in the fight against American oppression of

"I would not be surprised that at the time when we are debating same-sex marriage, at a time when we're debating whether or not we should have gays leading the Boy Scout movement, I don't think it's just a coincidence that we have a mad man in Asia who is saying some of the things that he's saying."

Frank Luter, President of The Southern Baptist
Convention.  Hurricanes and floods were a gateway
punishment.  God has moved on to nuclear weapons.
Beware, America.  The slippery slope you are
pursuing is not self-lubricating.  There is rough
action ahead.

Sound reasoning all the way around, I must say.  But my favorite for the week is friend of the blog Louie Gohmert, who introduced the subject in a discussion about the size of gun clips in a call with a group called Tea Party Unity.

Texas Representative Louie Gohmert tells it like it is.
We're going to need extra ammo rounds to eliminate Satan-worshipping
cross dressers.  Gohmert has a history of equating homosexuality with
 pederasty and beastiality.  In 2009 he said a hate crimes law that included
LGBT victims would offer anti-bias protections to people who are
"orientated toward animals, toward corpses, toward children."

As to limiting the number of rounds of ammunition a gun owner could buy, Gohmert said, its "kind of like marriage when you say it's not a man and a woman anymore, then why not have three men and one woman, or four women and one man, or why not somebody has a love for an animal?  There is no clear place to draw the line once you eliminate the traditional marriage, and it's the same once you start putting limits on what guns can be used, then it's just really easy to have laws that make them all illegal."  Gohmert also said anti-discrimination laws threaten religious freedom, saying they are "going to devastate the church, the synagogue, places of worship that hire people, because ultimately they're saying you have to hire whatever Satan-worshipper, whatever cross-dresser you think might be immoral, if that's against your religious belief, you are going to be forced to abandon your religious beliefs, and we've been seeing that with some of the requirements under Obamacare."

Well you're right, Louie, there is no clear place to draw the line in that statement.  If I wasn't scared before, I'm scared now.  As a vulnerable animal who is still a virgin, I am certainly going to re-think my stance on the size of ammo clips.

Roy and Silo live and love at the Central Park Zoo.
Why shouldn't they be able to get married?  They already have their tuxedos