Saturday, July 20, 2013

Cooch Capering
By Muffy Furburger

Muffy Furburger, free lance contributor.
Folks, if oral sex is wrong, I don't want to be
far right.
Meet Ken Cuccinelli, Republican candidate for the Governor of Virginia.  'Cooch', as his friends call him, is banging it old school. He has spent a good part of his political career trying to reinstate sodomy laws that were removed from Virginia law books years ago.  His stated purpose for the Crimes Against Nature statute is to protect children, a laudable endeavor. Unfortunately his proposed law clearly references acts by consenting adults. The Cooch is very interested in what goes on in your bedroom, and this time around its for political gain.

Ken Cuccinelli
, (R) Virginia, known as 'Cooch' to his
friends, is the current Attorney General of the State of
Virginia who is running for the Governorship.  He surprised
 everyone by introducing oral sex as an issue in the Governor's
race.  He says his purpose is to protect children, but he
defeated a bi-partisan effort to take references to acts by
 consenting adults out of his bill, the 'Crimes Against
 Nature' statute.
Of course, some of us have a different definition of 'crimes against nature'. Polluting the air, poisoning aquifers, destroying habitats, hunting animals to extinction and fishing marine populations until food fish are endangered all come to mind.  But conservatives oppose regulation in these areas.  What's burning their craw is what's going on in adult bedrooms in Virginia, and very likely elsewhere. The 'crimes against nature' old Cooch is referring to are adult acts that are an affront to his religious beliefs, and since he has a personal relationship with God Himself, your personal relationships must necessarily come into question.

More Cooch Capers
It shouldn't surprise you that Ken is an advocate
for abstinence only sex education in schools.  Other
crimes against the Cooch include Federal Health
Care and the Clean Air Act.  He has advocated
 allowing law officials to investigate the legal status
of anyone they stop.  He wants to revoke citizenship
for anyone born in the U.S. of illegal parents, and
make a lack of English language skills a qualifier
to revoke unemployment benefits.  If Coocher ever
finds out that illegals are practicing oral sex, I do
believe his head will explode.
His absolute knowledge about what is moral and ethical does not extend to his business practices.  Coochie-coo 'forgot' to claim thousands of dollars worth of  gifts from major benefactor Star Scientific, or mention that he owned more than $50,000. of stock in the company with whom he had dealings as Attorney General.  When submitting paperwork for his Gubernatorial run, gifts from other corporations to Ken and his family totaling over $100,000 also slipped his mind.  State authorities ruled no foul on the part of their Attorney General and allowed him to amend his financial disclosures. Cuccinelli definitely does not support opponent Terry McAuliffe's proposal to ban political gifts and give Virginia's ridiculously lax ethics laws some teeth.  His Crimes Against Nature statute does not ban knob gobbling with political cronies and influence peddlers (metaphorically speaking, of course).

Of course, its just backlash against the homosexual
civil rights movement, but you have to hand it to Cooch.  Most bigots
just want American law to go back to where it was before the Nixon
administration.  Ken Cuccinelli wants to roll it back to before
homosapiens had tongues.

So here is how the Crimes Against Nature law reads:

"If any person carnally knows in any manner any brute animal, or carnally knows any male or female person by the anus or by or with the mouth, or voluntarily submits to such carnal knowledge, he or she shall be guilty of a Class 6 felony...".  

Cucinelli told a newspaper reporter why he supports restrictions on the sexual behavior of consenting adults.  He said, "My view is that homosexual acts, not homosexuality, but homosexual acts are wrong. They're intrinsically wrong.  And I think in a natural law based country it's appropriate to have policies that reflect that. ...They don't comport with natural law."  It has to be a proud day for a politician when you put forth potential legislation that would be resoundingly approved by the President of Iran and the Taliban.  And how is it that America is a country of 'natural laws'?  I view laws as secular social constructs myself.  In a free society we create them to protect ourselves against guys like Cooch.

Violations of Islamic law are 'offenses against God and
nature, including one's own nature'.  Ken hates Sharia Law.
He's going to make sure it doesn't happen here.  The Prophet's
sex police are un-American.  Jesus' sex police know what's what.
So let me just say to my new friend Ken Cuccinelli, my view is that you are not wrong.  Just your proposed statutes are wrong.  They are intrinsically wrong. They don't comport with common sense.  And should Virginia get its act together, the way you choose to conduct business might one day also be viewed as unnatural.  Who knows?  We could end up class 6 felons together.  If that be the case, I'm sure your fellow inmates will welcome you and your views of sodomy with open arms.  Naturally.

Give your honey a thrill tonight.
Tomorrow it may be illegal.
P.S.  My sympathies to Mrs. Cooch.

Only married missionary sex, drugs and rock & roll.
If laws banning oral sex become more Draconian, popular culture will have to adapt.  Virginia's favorite son Dave Matthews will have to change the Lyrics Against Nature in 97% of his songs, or face prosecution.  Rock on Dave, for now.  Just so you know, I would rather be licking you from your back to your belly too.

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