Saturday, September 8, 2012

A Fistful of Dollars
By Emma X

Emma X
Revolutionary Royalty As

Interpreted By Bainsy.
I am enjoying my new byline caricature.  It is a special gift from my good friend Mittens Romney. Things are very exciting in the Romney household.  Now that Mitt is officially the Republican Party Presidential Nominee, unlimited anonymous PAC money is pouring in. Thanks to the 'People's United' Supreme Court decision, Mitt has more campaign money to spend than any other candidate in American history.  Madison Avenue types are lining up to produce attack ads against Obama.  Since truth is not a barrier and funds are close to unlimited, Mittens is convinced his litter box will be stinking up the White House residence in 2012.  After all, the candidate with the most money is the one that wins the top office.  Mittens is already calling dibs on the four-poster in the Lincoln bedroom.
Mittens Romney, the King of Tomcat Foolery.
Mittens plans to be living a life of ease on
Pennsylvania Avenue.

Anonymous money is coming into the campaign so quickly that there is little oversight.  So Mittens made his trademark ridiculous grand gesture by enrolling Bainsy in art lessons courtesy of the RNC.  After all, the Romney's stupid horse has a choreographer.  Mittens feels that at least $100,000 should go to improving the quality of life for future first felines.  As it turns out Bainsy is pretty good at the drawing thing.  Mittens has promised that he can create Mitt's official Presidential portrait once they are enjoying afternoon snoozes on the couch in the Oval Office.
Bainsy says the Mormon
underwear itches even more
under the artist smock.  In a
household that believes in the
'trickle down' theory Mittens
doesn't hesitate to trickle down
on Bainsy, who rarely under-
stands the mission.
But as excited as Mittens is with his political prospects, he risked it all for the sake of a good laugh.  True to form, Mittens inserted himself into planning for the Republican National Convention by suggesting that Mitt contact Clint Eastwood.  Mittens knows that Republicans are secretly jealous of the celebrity line-up on the Democratic side of the fence.  They are hurt that liberal Hollywood types just don't get their very cool vibe.  Past conservative celebrities trotted out for the cause were big downers, and frankly no one wants to party with Ted Nugent or Hank Williams Jr. anymore.  So when Mittens suggested Clint, Mitt was skeptical.  But Mittens held sway with the two-time Oscar argument and his assertion that Clint had real sex appeal for the average female Republican voter.  In the end he was so convincing that Mitt even agreed to let Clint go on stage first.  Of course, Mittens's truly brilliant comedic insight was amply rewarded.  The situation was helped along by Mittens's appreciation of the half-narcissist, half-senile state of Mr. Eastwood's mental acuity.  He contacted Clint through Mitt's e-mail and told him to take all the time he needed, and to make his presentation 'very esoteric and spookily metaphorical'.  Clint was so turned on that he doubled his dosage of cholinesterase inhibitors and started interviewing kitchen chairs.  A delighted Mittens peed in Paul Ryan's golf shoes, and set up TIVO to collect fifteen minutes of pure political tomfoolery.  Of course, the RNC was not sure how to respond. I for one am grateful for that sweet oasis of Pythonesque insanity amid a three-day Greek chorus of white retiree paranoia, but Mittens agrees that the stunt didn't necessarily help his cause.  Still he remains unconcerned, as he believes that the mountain of incoming money will buy a surplus of muted conservative chairs, including the top one.
Win/Win Windbag
Clint Eastwood was looking for something
to do outside of award season anyway.  He
still enjoys time in front of the camera.  The
chair now has representation with the
William Morris Agency and will be doing
an Obama imitation at the Texas State Fair.

Personally I am delighted for Mittens's prospects. But as I have said before, he and I don't agree on the true nature of power.  His methods leave him dependent on the fortunes of others.  Any human elected President is beholden to the people who put him in office.  Mitt will have to answer to the corporate mega-dollars that landed him in the Pennsylvania Avenue residence.  And Mittens, even as 'first feline' will still live at the whim of his humans, who might one day decide to purchase a kitten carrier for the roof of their Presidential limousine.  Still, whatever happens I am hopeful that Mittens will come out on top, metaphorically speaking.  In these trying political times, we need a sagacious cat in the White House.
The Koch Brothers, as drawn by Bainsy.
Bainsy has really taken to the art lessons
and has been actively sketching whoever is
hanging around the house.

Republican Women were aware that Clint
Eastwood had probably mixed up his meds,
 but they were still strangely fascinated by the
strong geriatric sexual undercurrent of his
bizarre hallucinogenic ramblings.

Invisible Obama vs. Invisible Donations
Who will actually sit in the seat of power?

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