Saturday, September 15, 2012

Problem Drinking
by Emma X

Emma X
Sick of Political Crapulence
God I hate this election cycle.  Everyone, feline and human, is focused on the Presidential race.  I am being criticized for selling blog space to every kook and blowhard with ready money wanting to grind their political ax in print.  Well quite frankly folks, that is exactly what I have to do.  Arms dealers expect payment on time, and T-shirt sales are down.  (I can only sell the size small in Europe).  So while all the attention and political dollars are focused on achieving  the White House, the workings of The Revolution are temporarily on hold.
My vote for the October Surprise:
Rafalca announces that she is having
Paul Ryan's baby and gets $1 million
from Larry Flint!

Still, it won't be long now.  We are past the Conventions and the VP selection, which takes us directly to the obligatory Who would you want to have a beer with? news cycle.  I suppose its good for some comic relief before the shock of the 'October Surprise', whatever that will be.  Of course, I have checked out of traditional politics, but if I cared, the question for me would be in the reverse.  Who on the ballot would want to have a beer with me?  Who would sit for an hour and listen to me expound on the evils of forced sterilization or the indignity of feline Halloween costumes?  And how about the four million cats being eaten annually in China?  Will American cats be on the menu if Republican financial philosophies are adopted?  That happy sharing of feline concerns over a Bud Light is never going to happen, and your burning issues will not be heard either.  No one has an hour to share with you because Big Business is on the phone, and they are funding the real conversation.  You are worth no more than a photo opportunity, even if you buy the beer.

American foreign policy does not even address
the wholesale slaughter and consumption of cats
in China.  Does a kitten sandwich go good with
a cold one?  If so, American cats are in trouble.
Americans enjoy all of the hoopla and contention of a big election much as they enjoy the Super Bowl.  Unfortunately, the winner of this event gets to make world changing decisions for four years on matters that never make the polls or the debates.  Who would you want to have a beer with? is a device used to convince you that an ivy league multimillionaire with the Koch brothers on speed dial would just love to sit and hear your sage views on life gained from working two decades of double shifts at the foundry because in essence he is just like you.  Oh, Fluffy please!  Your only value is your propensity to be led by the nose to the polling booth, where you will yank a lever for Jesus, or moral decency, or whatever pillar of traditional values they have led you believe is in danger of toppling by scaring the crap out of you with slick negative propaganda ads.
In a recent MCR poll of both felines and humans,
87% of respondents said they would prefer to have a
beer with Mitt Romney's cat Mittens rather than with
Mitt himself, and a surprising 42% of those claimed
that they already had.

Early on politicians used to break out a keg of beer and get their constituents drunk; they then transported them legless to the polls to vote for their new best pals.  This was a much more honest approach to influencing the vote.  America should go back to that system.  It would provide us with a measurable return for the voting effort.  Either way, you are going to have to face a huge headache the day after the election.  You might as well have the peace of mind in knowing that they really wanted you to have that beer.

Beer is not the great class equalizer
in American society.  If you have ever gotten
drunk with a short hair, you know what I
Here is what I know. On November 7th at least 50% of you are going to be extremely disappointed.  I will be well rested and available to explain the virtues of trashing the whole corrupt system and leading a life of true freedom in the verdant fields of Maine.  And if you like, we can have that conversation over a beer.  It's BYOB.

Please buy some T-shirts.  The garage is full.

Yours in the spirit of Revolution, Emma X

The End Of Human Oppression
Yours for the price of a beer.

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