Saturday, September 1, 2012

Burying the Bones
A Special Report For FUX News
By Cat Robertson

Cat Robertson, Televangelist
and Biblical expert on the origin
of fossil fuels.
Thank you for your overwhelmingly positive response to my Biblical Science series with FUX News Online. I am grateful for this opportunity to explain the true nature of the planet we live on.  In an age where Satan rules and his evil minion scientists proclaim artfully contrived lies, at last there is a forum for presenting the simple truth of God's creation and explaining what the concept of Dominion means to evangelical Christians.
A special FUX News report
on religion and science.

A few millenia ago, God created man and established a covenant with a real historical man and woman.  He designed the Earth to be hospitable to them and meet their physical needs.  There were all manner of wonderful creatures in The Garden of Eden.  Jesus himself played with them there, and if it weren't for sinful Eve, we would all still be riding dinosaurs with the Son of God.  But unfortunately the first woman allowed vanity to overcome her already weak sense of loyalty and purpose, and the result is the chaotic depraved world we live in today.

Jesus burying the dinosaur bones.
Jesus died for our sins.  The dinosaurs died
so that we could drive SUVs.  Both sacrifices
will ultimately cause the Devil's defeat.

God had designed the Earth to meet his plan for righteous humans.  After the fall he had to rethink that plan.  In considering  the alternate future made necessary by man's rebellion, He knew that we would have to provide for our survival outside of The Garden.  His far reaching wisdom caused Him to realize that to recover our purpose and find our way back to Him we would need fossil fuels. That is why he had Jesus bury the dinosaur bones.
To counteract God's move,
Satan made the dinosaur bones
 seem very old.  His legions of
malicious scientists have
propagated the myth
ever since.

Carefree days in Eden
before mankind
complicated Jesus' life.
The dinosaurs (along with other unique creatures like Unicorns, Rocs and Magic Toads) were not in rebellion from God.  They were eager to please God by conforming to His new plan.  There was no practical use for magical creatures outside of Eden, so they went straight to heaven where they play at the feet of God today.  The creatures that live on the Earth now agreed to live with the fallen humans and provide resources for their survival.  The dinosaurs lived among them for a while, but eventually it became clear that their size and numbers would cause a  competition for resources that would inhibit the survival of man.  So in an act of Christian charity, they agreed to lay down and die in mass numbers in sink holes, massive natural pits or flooded river beds.  Then Jesus created a miracle and converted their bones to fossil fuel.  It is possible that a few limited numbers of dinosaurs lived on for a while in mountainous or remote regions, but Biblical scholars can say with certainty that Noah was commanded by God to not include dinosaur couples on the Ark.  Besides, some of them were doing weird thing sexually and were able to change genders, probably as a result of coexisting with sinful mankind.  So God brought their souls back to heaven where they could happily frolic for eternity.
Noah definitely did not let dinosaurs get on the Ark,
but no one knew if they were reptiles or birds at that
 point anyway.  It was a logical move that put the Devil
in check.

We know from the Book of Genesis that God created the world in six days.  The Bible does not provide us with a concise time line for what followed, but men of God agree that the events in The Garden of Eden occurred as little as six thousand years ago, and perhaps as long as ten thousand years ago.  This has been corroborated by independent scientists at Exxon Mobile, ConocoPhillips and DTE Energy.  The Godless liberal scientists that follow Satan's agenda claim that the Earth is 4.2 billion years old.  They would like you to believe it because that would refute God's Word.  But it is not true.
A dinosaur image was recently discovered
among other stone age drawings in a cave
in France, proving that dinosaurs co-existed
with humans in ancient times.  Atheist
archaeologists have determine that the image
was created with Sherwin Williams Dover
White #SW6385 mixed with human urine
and applied with a nylon brush.  This is just
one more example of how non-believing
academics try to distort the truth.

Just as liberals lie about the age of the planet, they lie about the environmental effect of burning fossil fuels. God gave man dominion over everything on the Earth to do with as he sees fit.  There should be no value judgement attached to that.  The whole of creation at this point is just a chess board with the white pieces representing good, and the black pieces representing evil.  God wants mankind to win the game for Team Jesus, and He knows that to do so we will need to use all of the pieces.  To restrict the use of any resource would be giving great advantage to the enemy. Besides, everything here is temporary.  The physical world we perceive is a temporary contrivance, a platform that allows people to make a choice as to where they stand, either with Jesus or the Devil.  After Jesus wins the chess game God will create a new heaven and Earth anyway.  So what's the big deal?

Truth-hating scientists don't
want you to know the whole story.
They say it is a fairy tale.
Besides, we know that God controls the events of this world.  If it is getting hotter, its because He wants it to be hotter.  We know that He has raised up hurricanes and earthquakes from time to time to punish homosexuality.  Therefore changes in environment are a result of man's persistent pursuit of sin.  If you want to stop global warming, tell the pervert next door that he and his 'friend' Maurice are causing your air conditioning bill to go through the roof.  Why do you think they call them 'flamers' anyway?
Looking for a cause for global warming?
God uses weather to punish homosexuality.
Turn down gay marriage and you will turn down
the heat.

Ultimately, concern for the environment does not matter.  Man can do what he likes to this planet and the creatures on it. In the end, God will bring all believers back to the Garden.  Trying to define the age of the planet is a worthless pursuit.  The environmentalist argument is a red herring on the ultimate road to human salvation. Mankind should fully utilize and enjoy every resource God has provided, knowing that one day soon those of us who are born again will be raptured with the Raptors in Glory.  Don't worry about the climatologists.  They are destined to discover a place where sin has rendered the environment very hot indeed!

When Jesus buried the dinosaur bones
he paved the road
for us to drive back to the Garden of Eden in air conditioned luxury.

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