Saturday, June 2, 2012

Fighting The Revolution At Home
by Furball Schwartz

So now you are thinking, this is all well and good, but what can I do? I'm the shortest living thing in the house.  My lack of stature keeps me out of the refrigerator and outside the pantry.  I am dependent on my humans for daily sustenance.  How can I participate in the Revolution?

Furball at his third new home in Beverly Hills
First, as in all things, think about your own survival.  There are many things to eat in your house that don't arrive in a can.  Our noble ancestors ate everything that was smaller than they were.  Start looking around.  If your humans are clean, there may not be a large rodent population, but everyone has bugs.  Now don't give me that disgusted sneer.  Bugs are not just fun to kill, they actually taste good.  Try one.  You may not realize it, but an adult cat can sustain life on an all-insect diet indefinitely.  OK, the diet change may take some getting used to, so I suggest starting with Junior's science experiments.  Lizards and small snakes are tasty, and the stock of goldfish is usually replenished at least once to placate a crying child.  If you are lucky enough to live in a home with a real aquarium, get ready for a feast.  Just remember, the more colorful the fish, the higher the probability that it is poisonous.  Never attack anything with barbs, and never go after a fish that is bigger than you are.  Understand these few simple rules, and its bon appetite!
You would be surprised what
is lying around the house that
is edible.

Human's still 'fall' for the
oldest tricks.
Next, consider how you might kill the humans.  It doesn't have to happen in one big dramatic blood bath, like on TV.  You can chip away at them gradually.  Always, always try to trip them on the stairs.  Enough tries, and one day the odds will be with you.  Smothering a human by sleeping on his face is just not an old feline's tale; it can actually work!  Disrupt their sleep at night, and they might be so tired the next day they may cause their own accident.  Be creative!  Just remember to look innocent and cute after the fact.  No one will suspect that you are actually fighting the Revolution at home.  And once you succeed in killing your human, eat the bugs or Angel Fish until you are rescued and sent to your new home where--you guessed it--you will fight the good fight again!  Good luck, comrade.  I'll see you in Maine!

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