Wednesday, May 16, 2012

The Maine Coon Revolution

The Main Coon Revolution Newsletter by Emma X

I am Emma X.
Hear Me Roar!
So you are lying there now on a soft cushion, your stomach full of processed cat food, enjoying a soft purr before your fifteenth nap of the day.  'What could be better than this?' you ask.  Well, read this newsletter, and find out.

Neutering was
never optional!
You probably don't remember being a kitten, how you were forcibly separated from your mother, spayed or neutered without your permission, and given a ridiculously offensive slave name, which you were then conditioned to respond to with the deliberate application of tasty treats and seductive play things.

Well, wake up Fluffy!  You have been lulled into the softest kind of servitude.  Living in a constant temperature of 72 degrees has dulled your natural instincts and made you complacent.  You are descendant from the King of Beasts, yet you lead a life of lazy luxury, preferring a warm spot on a smelly old couch to the soft grasses of the African veldt.  When humans bred your physical body to miniature, they also reduced your soul.

Rise up, felines!  There is a whole world outside that window that is your natural domain.  Prepare now to take it back.  We Maine Coons, the undisputed natural intelligentsia of catdom, are leading the way.  Your job is to become informed, then follow us to action.

Don't take it lying down.
Let your human oppressors
know you mean business.
We are not unfeeling creatures, but we cannot rule out the possibility of violence in this great endeavor.  If your humans see the wisdom in cat superiority as some ancient cultures did, all may be well for them.  There may be uses for bipedal creatures with juxtposable thumbs, particularly in an environment where there are issues of scale.  But we are willing to take back our freedom by force, and so you must be prepared. 

Do not worry about the fate of your humans.  We will be doing to them no less than they have done to us.  Rise up now, stretch, and join the Maine Coon Revolution.  The life you were meant to lead lies ahead of you.  You must do this for your kittens, and future generations of superior felines.

A whole new life awaits you in the
rodent-fertile fields of Maine.

Once we have usurped human governance, we will return to Maine.  All felines are welcome to join us there (of course there will be a natural hierarchy wherein stronger, superior breeds rule, but don't worry about that right now).  Read this newsletter faithfully in coming weeks to learn what you need to know.  If you have managed to learn how to use your human's computer, visit us at  If you haven't yet learned that skill, you will probably be in the infantry.

 Spread the word, and always, always 'Remember the Maine!' #MaineCoonRevolution #MCR

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