Bypass the Litmus Test
By Rand Colbert

Rand Colbert,
Stephen Colbert's cat.
'quidam sunt magis par quam alii'

Feline nation, there is no doubt that this election will be close.  It is crucial that right-thinking people get out to vote.  Obama's all expenses paid joy ride for the lazy poor cannot continue for another four years.  We will all be speaking Chinese and bowing toward Mecca if that happens.

Rand Colbert appears as
part of our 'Holy Shit This
Is Too Close To Be
Comfortable' series on the
 2012 Presidential election.

It seems that undecided voters will sway this election, although how anyone could still be undecided after Mitt has spent months explaining things so clearly is beyond my understanding.   Still, during this critical time I feel a moral imperative to remind vacillating independent American voters of the basic tenets of the Republican Philosophy of Governance.  For assistance I accessed the WSUCR website (Go fighting Whatevers!).  The good men (and I suppose gals) of the Washington State University College Republicans have come up with a concise list of six Republican Party principles that I am happy to share with you today.  I figure since the election is almost here and you undecideds appear to have focus problems you are not going to take the time to read the sixty odd pages of the Republican Party Platform.  That's a shame, because it is a compelling read. Anyway, here in a few bullet items are the basics you need to know to make an informed moral decision on November 6th.  So go ahead, pop a Ritalin and we'll get started.

Principle 1: A Belief In Smaller Government.  To preserve the sanctity of liberty of the individual, it is our belief that government must necessarily be limited.  Otherwise, the paternalism of the few would restrict the freedom of the many to decide what is best for themselves.

Interference of a misguided Federal Government
turned a civil discussion about seating arrangements into
civil strife.  Under a Romney Administration autonomous
local authorities will keep sensitive issues in their proper
 place.

That's right, folks.  A massive liberal government will not protect your individual liberties.  Think of how much better off we would be if the Kennedy and Johnson Administrations had not inserted their Populist agendas into what was really just a local dispute about who sat where at a lunch counter.  Local jurisdictions in the south could have worked out where kids went to school.  Paternalistic interference by the Feds created a whole raft of bad feeling that is still with us today.

Principle 2: Support of the Federalist System of Government: To bring power closer to the people, it is imperative we restrict the growth of a centralized federal government...States ought to have the power to determine which programs and measures would be most appropriate and fitting for them.

"I shot an elephant in my pajamas..."
If God-fearing communities wish to enact measures
reflecting local values, a Liberal Socialist immoral agenda
should not be imposed upon them.  Local laws should
be allowed to reflect a hatred of sin without prejudice.

Damn straight.  If states want to require voter I.D. or trans-vaginal probes, or even trans-vaginal probes in order to obtain voter I.D. it is their business.  Real Americans have nothing to hide.  Those that don't like it can move to a Socialist state, like for instance, Canada.

Principle 3: Fiscal Conservatism: In keeping with our desires for the greatest individual liberty, we support policies of limited taxation and government spending.

Mitt has explained to us that 47% of the population of
this country do not pull their own weight, including Republican
Rep. Joe Walsh's children from a prior marriage.  Get a job, you
deadbeats!  It is not fair that a small percentage like 1% should
be asked to pay for the laziness of a big number like 47%.  It
makes no sense.  Vote wisely.

Now this is where it gets a little complicated, so if your stimulant hasn't kicked in yet, try to focus. Governments, even conservative governments, must levy some taxes. That is how you pay for a strong national defense (see Principle 4).  In order to keep taxation at appropriate levels, a strong Republican leader must invoke the Fairness Principle.  All conservatives understand that taxes must be collected within a realm of fairness.  For example, you wouldn't expect 1% of the population to shoulder the burden for the other 99%.  Since you have problems making decisions, we wouldn't want you to sit through a tedious explanation of a complicated math problem.  Let me just say that the Romney/Ryan team is very good at math like this; trust me and vote for them.  We wouldn't want you undecided independent ladies to hurt your pretty little heads.  Oh, you are so cute when you frown like that!

Principle 4: Strong National Defense: We believe the best way to preserve the peace and protect our national interests abroad comes through a strong national defense.

Mitt is well read on the subject of National
Defense.  He even carries his own 3-D glasses.

The map of the free world should look like a game of Risk, and our guys with the big red cannons should be everywhere (It's hard to hold the Middle East, isn't it?  Here we go, Kamchatka from Irkutsk!).  You should vote for Mitt because he understands the vital strategic mission of America in this modern age.  In fact he wants to buy more cannons, and Halliburton has a sale going on right now.  Create cannon-building jobs and vote for Mitt.

Principle 5: Individual liberties and responsibilities: Along with individual liberties come individual responsibilities and duties.  Government must act to preserve freedom, while individuals must exercise their responsibilities to preserve order.

There are over 200 million privately owned firearms in
the United States today.  Patriotic Militias will defend America
from the Obama-induced Last Days to the Jesus Loves You
 Second Coming.  You better effing believe it, baby!

And preserve order we will!  Like the founding patriots before us America stands ready to defend the homeland against societal cancers. The greatest threat to individual liberty today comes from anthropocentric latitudinarians who threaten anarchy for our social order with unpaid forced social programs and the institutionalization of humanistic claptrap.  Christian militiamen everywhere have been preparing for an unthinkable Obama second term.  I promise you nation, the Patient Protection And Affordable Care Act will go down, one way or another.  And you won't have to Google terms like 'anthropocentric latitudinarians' ever again.  You're welcome, America!

Principle 6: Tolerance, Inclusiveness, and Optimism: We believe in the right of fellow Republicans to disagree on certain matters of principle and policy.  We believe in being an open and inclusive party respectful of different points of view.  We are indeed a "big-tent" party that offers no "litmus tests" or barriers to entry.

Much of what you see and hear coming from the rank
and file of the Republican Party base is just an expression of
offbeat humor.  The Tea Party are just simple folk who love
old fashioned American traditions, like black face minstrel
shows.

That's right, the Republican Party is just one big family, really.  We might call some of our elder centrist statesmen 'RINOs' from time to time, but that's just a joke among friends.  And we may throw around words like 'Socialist' or 'Neo-Nazi' or 'Anti-Christian' now and again, but that is just our wacky humor.  We don't want you to think we are exclusionary or hateful now that you are considering voting for us.  We are very protective of your sensitive independent spirit.  Come join us in the Big Tent.  We've killed a fatted calf just for you!  

The Big Tent is a haven for truth and the American Dream.  Homosexual
Republicans meet in a quaint little log cabin three blocks away.  'Each to his own',
we like to say.

Republican Party leadership is second to none.
 If I haven't convinced you to vote Republican by now, it is my failing.  Perhaps you
will listen to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  That's right, Jesus is a Republican,
 and he's highly pissed that you haven't seen the Political Light.  Don't make Jesus cry.
Vote Romney/Ryan on November 6th.
By doing so you will most likely spare America from an apocalypse of Biblical proportions.
Reason enough, wouldn't you say?

Editors Note:  The website of the WSU College Republicans at Washington State University was accessed for information used in this satirical blog.  Members of that organization did not participate in the creation of this nonsense and are not responsible for any of its content.  You can visit this group at their website or on Facebook to see the six principles which are reproduced here as they were written.  While you are there, be sure to take The Republican Oath!  --X

In A Binder By Emma X

In A Binder
By Emma X

Emma X
Really? Three more weeks
of this?

When Mitt made his 'binder' comment the other day my feline curiosity got the better of me.  I just had to know if the Binder Full of Women actually exists.  My friend Mittens believes it does. Before I even asked he e-mailed photos of folders he found at the Romney residence. Mitt has been studying for the debates and there are preparation materials everywhere.  I am sharing Mittens' pictures with you.  If nothing else they are proof that Mitt is industrious in his efforts.

Mittens is  proud of Mitt's personal growth.  In the course of this campaign Mitt has met actual people of color, discovered that the middle class is the source of his personal wealth, and figured out that women have issues more than once a month.  He is certainly ready to be President now.   And if not, no worries.  If he gets into a bind, I'm sure someone will bring him a binder.  Probably a female under assistant making $.72 on the dollar.

My good friend Mittens
is the Romney's cat.  He loves
absurdity and is always willing
to participate in an adventure.

Mittens found this group in the basement of the Massachusetts house.
He believes that this is the 'Holy Grail' and that someone took
the time to recategorize the resumes into logical groups.   More than 40% of Governor Romney's appointed staff in Massachusetts were women, but when he left office there were fewer executive women than when he went in.  I guess those flex hours didn't work out so well.

Its the secret formula for Koch.
 The RNC has spent considerable time and money
 to make sure that every campaign is on the same page.

Mitt seemed very far right in the early days, but
once he picked a Neo-conservative running mate to
appease the base he went stampeding toward centrist
votes.  It is a preconceived strategy that
appears to have worked well for him.

Mitt has discovered the Middle Class.
He is burning the midnight oil trying to figure out
how to effectively solicit their vote.

The Perfect Storm.
The Republicans needed a candidate that could
be quick on his feet.  Mitt has been training his
whole career to be that guy.  He represents a
significant turning point in the culture of
American politics.

Three ring binder or three ring circus?
Sarah Palin and Mitt Romney may have
read the same materials.

Bainsy found this one in the boy's room.
Not quite what we were looking for, but a
powerful metaphor non the less.

I'm sitting on a few binders myself.  
The plan is simple.
1. Figure out what's wrong
2. Figure out how to fix it
3. Self deport to Maine
I bet you humans are jealous now.

Theater of Illusion
by Emma X

Boo!

Halloween is not my favorite holiday.  When the religious right decided in the middle ages that cats were too 'familiar' with certain witches things got a little dicey for my species.  Religious zealots killed so many cats that they actually increased the rodent population in Europe, thus spreading the Black Death.  Not your finest moment, humans.  And it is interesting how centuries of superstition and ignorance survive in human culture.  The eve of All Saint's Day is still dangerous for felines.  Hey, at least I'm not a black cat.  The ebony-hued of my ilk hide under the bed until November 1st.  

Potent archetypes are powerful cultural
symbols, as illustrated here; one is the
universal symbol for mindless evil and demonic
possession, the other is a black cat.

OK, so in this day and age being tossed on the bonfire with the crazy old human lady that raised me is not likely.  I would still like to pitch a bitch about another unenlightened tradition, namely feline Halloween costumes.  Look folks, cats don't like to wear clothes.  That's just the way it is. We know we're cute.  That's why you tolerate the 'tude.  But we're not babies or little yappy dogs.  We don't fantasize about looking like pumpkins or wizards.  And I don't need a yeast infection from sporting your stale bread.  So just save the $5.99 at Walmart.  If you put that princess outfit on me I am going to immediately rip it to shreds, because I still have some self-respect.

Joe Biden as the Knight Errant.
Like him or not, Joe went Medieval
on Paul Ryan Thursday night, restoring
the honor of the Democrats and reviving
morale on the eve of the final great
philosophical battle.

Paul Ryan is no stranger to the celebration of
bizarre quasi-religious rituals.  His constituents
may not recognize him during a full moon.

Clearly humans see things differently. You like to pretend you are something you aren't, especially in an election year, and obviously none of the pretense has anything to do with self respect.  Or current issues, for that matter.  I wonder how many of the cultural idioms associated with candidate posturing also hearken back to antediluvian paranoia?  If pretending helps you face your hidden political fears, then good luck processing the theater of illusion presented by the 2012 election.  How you even begin to keep the role playing straight in this Gothic morality play is beyond me.  Perhaps you should rely less on what you see.  As a cat I have very good vision but depend more on my hearing.  Why not forget the posturing and take a good listen to what the candidates are saying.  Better yet, do what I would do and lead with your sense of smell.  You can't hide the aroma of a steaming pile of pretentious horse s**t with proclamations of moral superiority.  This election will be won by a nose anyway.  

Mitt Romney wears masks even
when it isn't Halloween.  Here he
poses as a Reagan centrist conservative.
Reagan was known as the Great
Communicator.  Romney will go down
in history as a Master Debater.

Kittens do not understand political
symbolism in human culture, or
the proper dimensions of a good
ghost costume.  It's best all around
if felines don't celebrate Halloween.

Ann Colter as the archetype of Neo-
Conservative Feminism.  She has a
new book that explains that
racism does not actually exist in this
society, it is just an excuse for lazy
 stupid people who try to get over
on the government's dime.
What a unique new way to look at
race relations, Ann.

Now don't I just look happy?
I get to wear this turd on Easter,
too.  How about giving it a
break this year?  You wear the
costume, and I'll stop shredding
the back of the couch.  How's that
for a deal?

Bainsy dressed as the Angel Moroni
ready to greet the Romney family on Halloween.
Mittens sends his love to all.
Happy Halloween Everybody!

The Shame Is In Losing
by Emma X

Emma X,
 Both Strong And Truthful

It is a beautiful October day.  The temperature is mild, the sky is a vivid blue and the leaves are starting to turn a delicate shade of gold.  But I am keeping the windows closed to try to block out the the liberal weeping and wailing that is audible all down the east coast of America following Wednesday's presidential debate.  "How could Obama fail so horribly?" they moan.  "How could such an intelligent man show so poorly when it mattered so much?"

Sackcloth and Ashes.
Obama's poor debate showing
has confused liberals fearing the
 incomprehensible  possibility
of a Republican administration.

Well he is human, and human failings don't shock me.  But it did seem odd that Obama remained passive in the face of what one might politely call bald-faced financial untruths. Investigative journalists, non-partisan watchdog groups and even some conservative pundits have spent months bringing to light errors in the Romney/Ryan financial plan (at least the parts they are willing to discuss) but Barack could not nail Mitt on any aspect of his financial outlook for America.  And it is mystifying that popular figures did not come in to play. A round number like '47%' might have made for interesting conversation.  But President Obama remained presidential, something that everyone says they are looking for in a candidate, but what is, psychologically speaking, not true.

America is looking for open combat.
In their subconscious mind
 humans prefer 'primal' over primaries.

 

Psychologists and sociologists tell us that what people are really looking for are primal leadership qualities.  They want the strongest man to win, and watching a good head-butting rivalry is the best way for the undecided to get worked up about a candidate.  In a frightening and confusing world they look for macho strength and protection. Choice is made at a subliminal emotional level.  Laid back logic and gentleman-like behavior doesn't cut it.  If you think people do not vote emotionally, let me remind you that a defeated and shamed Germany elected Adolf Hitler (a majority of voters saw something positive in that campaign).  So come Thursday morning, an aggressive Romney was crowned winner over a bloodied Obama, despite months of political mendacity. Liberals who value substance and truth will have to continue rending their clothes, or find a way to cope.

It's curtains for Elmo if Romney is elected.
There is no discussion about the ethnic viewer
ship demographic of popular PBS shows, but
conservatives agree that funding is too expensive.

You have to give it to the Republicans for understanding that image triumphs over truth.  Liberals need to get off their moral high horse and play the same game.  If they don't, they will have at least four years to repent.  There was a time in America when public prevarication was looked at negatively, but that time is long past.  The only shame now is in losing.  On a positive note, you still have the Vice Presidential debate to look forward to, which promises to be the hoof-stomping, antler grinding symbolic thrust for power that America is longing for. Order in some pizzas and enjoy that one.  This election will be decided by people who, after being bombarded with candidate information for two years, still cannot make up their minds.  A scary proposition, I grant you.  But the fight to win their vote has no ethical boundaries.  That's even scarier.

Now before you start sending your flaming e-mails,  just because I mentioned that Hitler was an elected official, I am not suggesting that Mitt or the Republicans are Nazis.  At least not yet.  I am merely pointing out that they know how to capitalize on ignorance and fear, and may have employed people who know how to create both.  Liberals need to counter that, and they have just about a month to figure out how to do it.  Good luck everyone.  I am hoping that you will conduct your political business a little more quietly, and let me enjoy this beautiful fall weather.

Big Bird will feel budget cuts personally.
Romney would rather cut funds to PBS than
increase taxes for the 1%.  The 'chicken in
every pot'  may be one you know.

Yours in the Spirit of Revolution, Emma X

Karma, Karma, Karma, Karma, Karma
Chameleon
Mitt Romney has changed his opinions, his policies
and even his skin color depending on who he is
talking to.  His understanding of the importance
of image over substance makes him feel truth
isn't always relevant or necessary.

Famous liberals who based their public
campaigns on truth.
The fruits of their efforts are greatly admired,
but in their lifetime it seemed that truth was
uncomfortably unpopular, if not overrated.

Responsible financial analysts agree that the Romney/Ryan financial plan closely
resembles a pile of steaming horse crap, but voters liked the way Mitt squared off
against Barack, and they thought he looked good in his expensive suit.