Bypass the Litmus Test
By Rand Colbert
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| Rand Colbert, Stephen Colbert's cat. 'quidam sunt magis par quam alii' |
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| Rand Colbert appears as part of our 'Holy Shit This Is Too Close To Be Comfortable' series on the 2012 Presidential election. |
It seems that undecided voters will sway this election, although how anyone could still be undecided after Mitt has spent months explaining things so clearly is beyond my understanding. Still, during this critical time I feel a moral imperative to remind vacillating independent American voters of the basic tenets of the Republican Philosophy of Governance. For assistance I accessed the WSUCR website (Go fighting Whatevers!). The good men (and I suppose gals) of the Washington State University College Republicans have come up with a concise list of six Republican Party principles that I am happy to share with you today. I figure since the election is almost here and you undecideds appear to have focus problems you are not going to take the time to read the sixty odd pages of the Republican Party Platform. That's a shame, because it is a compelling read. Anyway, here in a few bullet items are the basics you need to know to make an informed moral decision on November 6th. So go ahead, pop a Ritalin and we'll get started.
Principle 1: A Belief In Smaller Government. To preserve the sanctity of liberty of the individual, it is our belief that government must necessarily be limited. Otherwise, the paternalism of the few would restrict the freedom of the many to decide what is best for themselves.
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| Interference of a misguided Federal Government turned a civil discussion about seating arrangements into civil strife. Under a Romney Administration autonomous local authorities will keep sensitive issues in their proper place. |
That's right, folks. A massive liberal government will not protect your individual liberties. Think of how much better off we would be if the Kennedy and Johnson Administrations had not inserted their Populist agendas into what was really just a local dispute about who sat where at a lunch counter. Local jurisdictions in the south could have worked out where kids went to school. Paternalistic interference by the Feds created a whole raft of bad feeling that is still with us today.
Principle 2: Support of the Federalist System of Government: To bring power closer to the people, it is imperative we restrict the growth of a centralized federal government...States ought to have the power to determine which programs and measures would be most appropriate and fitting for them.
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| "I shot an elephant in my pajamas..." If God-fearing communities wish to enact measures reflecting local values, a Liberal Socialist immoral agenda should not be imposed upon them. Local laws should be allowed to reflect a hatred of sin without prejudice. |
Damn straight. If states want to require voter I.D. or trans-vaginal probes, or even trans-vaginal probes in order to obtain voter I.D. it is their business. Real Americans have nothing to hide. Those that don't like it can move to a Socialist state, like for instance, Canada.
Principle 3: Fiscal Conservatism: In keeping with our desires for the greatest individual liberty, we support policies of limited taxation and government spending.
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| Mitt has explained to us that 47% of the population of this country do not pull their own weight, including Republican Rep. Joe Walsh's children from a prior marriage. Get a job, you deadbeats! It is not fair that a small percentage like 1% should be asked to pay for the laziness of a big number like 47%. It makes no sense. Vote wisely. |
Now this is where it gets a little complicated, so if your stimulant hasn't kicked in yet, try to focus. Governments, even conservative governments, must levy some taxes. That is how you pay for a strong national defense (see Principle 4). In order to keep taxation at appropriate levels, a strong Republican leader must invoke the Fairness Principle. All conservatives understand that taxes must be collected within a realm of fairness. For example, you wouldn't expect 1% of the population to shoulder the burden for the other 99%. Since you have problems making decisions, we wouldn't want you to sit through a tedious explanation of a complicated math problem. Let me just say that the Romney/Ryan team is very good at math like this; trust me and vote for them. We wouldn't want you undecided independent ladies to hurt your pretty little heads. Oh, you are so cute when you frown like that!
Principle 4: Strong National Defense: We believe the best way to preserve the peace and protect our national interests abroad comes through a strong national defense.
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| Mitt is well read on the subject of National Defense. He even carries his own 3-D glasses. |
The map of the free world should look like a game of Risk, and our guys with the big red cannons should be everywhere (It's hard to hold the Middle East, isn't it? Here we go, Kamchatka from Irkutsk!). You should vote for Mitt because he understands the vital strategic mission of America in this modern age. In fact he wants to buy more cannons, and Halliburton has a sale going on right now. Create cannon-building jobs and vote for Mitt.
Principle 5: Individual liberties and responsibilities: Along with individual liberties come individual responsibilities and duties. Government must act to preserve freedom, while individuals must exercise their responsibilities to preserve order.
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| There are over 200 million privately owned firearms in the United States today. Patriotic Militias will defend America from the Obama-induced Last Days to the Jesus Loves You Second Coming. You better effing believe it, baby! |
Principle 6: Tolerance, Inclusiveness, and Optimism: We believe in the right of fellow Republicans to disagree on certain matters of principle and policy. We believe in being an open and inclusive party respectful of different points of view. We are indeed a "big-tent" party that offers no "litmus tests" or barriers to entry.
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| Much of what you see and hear coming from the rank and file of the Republican Party base is just an expression of offbeat humor. The Tea Party are just simple folk who love old fashioned American traditions, like black face minstrel shows. |
That's right, the Republican Party is just one big family, really. We might call some of our elder centrist statesmen 'RINOs' from time to time, but that's just a joke among friends. And we may throw around words like 'Socialist' or 'Neo-Nazi' or 'Anti-Christian' now and again, but that is just our wacky humor. We don't want you to think we are exclusionary or hateful now that you are considering voting for us. We are very protective of your sensitive independent spirit. Come join us in the Big Tent. We've killed a fatted calf just for you!
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| The Big Tent is a haven for truth and the American Dream. Homosexual Republicans meet in a quaint little log cabin three blocks away. 'Each to his own', we like to say. |
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| Republican Party leadership is second to none. If I haven't convinced you to vote Republican by now, it is my failing. Perhaps you will listen to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. That's right, Jesus is a Republican, and he's highly pissed that you haven't seen the Political Light. Don't make Jesus cry. Vote Romney/Ryan on November 6th. By doing so you will most likely spare America from an apocalypse of Biblical proportions. Reason enough, wouldn't you say? |
Editors Note: The website of the WSU College Republicans at Washington State University was accessed for information used in this satirical blog. Members of that organization did not participate in the creation of this nonsense and are not responsible for any of its content. You can visit this group at their website or on Facebook to see the six principles which are reproduced here as they were written. While you are there, be sure to take The Republican Oath! --X
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