Uninspected Green Eggs and
Genetically Altered Corn-Fed Ham
By Emma X

Emma X
I do not like green eggs
and ham.  I would not
like them anywhere.  I'll
eat the mouse, though.
You can have The House.

As of this writing Ted Cruz is conducting a pseudo filibuster to defund Obamacare.  Ted has vowed to do anything he can to end the horror.  I’m sure by Friday Ted’s one man crusade will be over.  Odds are the whole show will come down to one more failed attempt to persuade the Senate to defund.  But Ted is a crusader.  He's in it for the long haul.  His real mission is to rally the troops and prepare them for the greater conflict to come.

Tough Talking Ted-I-am
Ted's unappetizing meal comes with a cup of hot
steaming Tea Party.  Most Americans understand
the issues, but disagree with the extreme solu-
tion.  Ted thinks that if he talks long enough we
will all bite, and like Dr. Seuss' suddenly
enlightened gourmand, thank him later.

It will give Ted and his supporters a real thrill to vote against raising the debt ceiling.  It will excite them to cause chaos with the government payroll and anxiety about global financing.  They are ideologues, and their prime mission is to end Big Government forever, and leave the workings of America to free markets.  No more regulations.  No more coddling of poor minorities.  No more interference in the natural order of violent world revolution, at least where there is no money to be made.  They believe wholly and sincerely in the righteousness of the effort, and in the well deserved intrinsic and monetary rewards owed to a liberated industrial ruling class.

To this point people may not have taken them seriously.  The antics and rhetoric of the Tea Party have often crossed over to lunacy.  But the lunatics have now taken over a whole wing of the asylum, so it is time for the electorate to take heed.

The people who need to wake up to Ted’s revolutionary reality are not the general voting population, who have repeatedly said “enough already”, but the Tea Party voting base, who rabidly support the momentum without a clue as to why.  Sure, there is the 'Jesus' message, the racist appeasement, the homophobic crusade, the guns and ammo litany, and the rock-star freedom of being an unapologetic white guy in an aggressively changing racial demographic.  The Tea Party provides a raucous rebel battle cry for every disenfranchised person who cannot adapt to social change.  But they will be geriatric sheep to the Entitlements slaughter.  Because once Ted and the gang defeat Obamacare, they will take on Medicare, then Social Security, then insurance industry regulations, then everything else that Big Business does not like.  The people who foster fear of the slippery slope to a Socialist Nanny State are greasing the skids for a Corporate tax-free Utopia where markets live a natural life and people die a natural death unencumbered by government interference at any point.

Kamikaze Cruz
Main stream Conservatives now
realize that Ted and his allies mean
to destroy Federal government in-
fluence.  This is not a children's bed
time story.  Things were fine when
Ted was attacking Democrats.  Now
he's diving full speed toward their
home vessel with a tank full of highly
flammable election controversy.
For old school Republicans, this is
a political crusade that will live in
infamy.

Centrist Republicans grounded in reality call the far right lack of compromise a civil war within the Republican Party.  Some are calling Ted Cruz a kamikaze, sacrificing career and Party reputation for The Ideal.  Ted is enjoying such praise and notoriety within the Tea Party bubble that he probably thinks he won't have to auger in.  But we can take his pledge to fight to the last very seriously, even though his keynote declaration of war is a recitation of “Green Eggs and Ham”.  "Try an isolationist small government.  You will like it.  You will like it on a boat, you will like it with a goat…" 

Custer's Last 21 Hour Stand?
Some concerned Republicans liken Ted's threat
to shut down the U.S. government to Custer's
Last Stand, and they don't want to be massacred
politically with Cruz.  Modern historians agree
that Custer was an inept commander with an
uncontrollable ego who needlessly led his
troops to slaughter.  This may turn out to be
a defining metaphor if Social Security checks
do not go out as scheduled.  Savage senior
citizens vote their wallets no matter how you
circle the wagons.

Oh go ahead and sit down, Ted.  You will need your strength next month when you bring the U.S. Government to a screeching halt.  You will want to be at your best when we all suddenly discover how foolishly stubborn we have been, even though the pork you offer was raised on Monsanto genetically altered subsidized corn, and the green eggs carry an increased risk of salmonella poisoning because you defunded the Food and Drug Administration.  “Thank you, thank you, Sam-I-am”.  I mean Ted.  Now please, please just sit down and shut up.  You're giving me a headache, and a doctor dispensed aspirin costs $18 with a $200 deductible and a $20 co-pay.

The Attack on the U.S.S. Obamacare
is just the first battle in the Tea Party war against Federally mandated entitlement programs.  Thanks to Gerrymandering and Big Business political funding, it may be the longest and most expensive political war in U.S. history, and one in which popular voter opinion will not be a significant factor.

Twerkin' For a Living
By Emma X

Emma X
"I came up in this Party time
to twerk!"

The fall season is upon us, and with it comes a new session of Congress.  Our intrepid political warriors return to an America that is struggling on domestic and international fronts.  The fate of Syria may rest in their hands.  The future of Obamacare and the financial health of America teeter of the whim of a House vote. There have been 250 mass shootings* in America in 2013, or an average of one per day, and its only September.  And need I point out, one year from now we face another Congressional election, one that many believe will determine the fate of the Republican Party ongoing. 

Clerk for Twerk Hasselbeck
"In best hands at Fox and Friends"
FOX News hopes to improve ratings by adding
former VIEW co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck to
the Fox and Friends couch.  In her first week she
did not disappoint.  She blamed gun violence on
video games and suggested purchasers be mon-
itored for hours of use.  She said the Hillary Clinton
Benhazi investigation left top officials off the
hook.  She asked Donald Trump if Obama should
be giving up his Nobel Peace Prize.  And she re-
peated the oft-told FOX lie that Congress has been
granted special Presidential dispensation to opt out of
Obamacare.  That's ripping and reading right off of
the Rupert Murdoch direct fax machine.  We agree
 you're in the best hands at FOX, Lizzy.  Keep on
 twerkin' it for daddy.

Wow.  TV Networks would kill for a cliff-hanger reality show like this one.  How will it all work out? Well, stay tuned.  The far right thinks they know. They believe that 2014 Democratic candidates will all go home post election without a rose, because Republicans have faith in their own philosophical sex appeal. Regardless of what polls tell them, they have been out there twerkin' the message.  

Twerk Jerk Ted Cruz spent his Congressional holiday
making his case for closing down the government. Old school
Republicans have warned that a government shutdown will be
blamed on Conservatives, but Cruz knows that if 42 votes to
repeal Obamacare won't work, shaking down the whole
 electorate will.

While lazy, Godless Democrats were enjoying the August break, the righteous rabid right was out on the road trying to convince Americans that shutting down the government is the only moral option available to us. Obamacare is a Progressive cancer that threatens the financial stability and the well being of our country.  The cure? Threaten the financial stability and well being of our country!

Aged Beef Twerky
John McCain has been working his own voter base to gain public
support for bombing Syria.  He goaded Obama into establish-
ing the 'red line' and abused him publicly for not enforcing it.
He knows who's good and who's bad in Syria, because he
went there himself and they told him.  He is now the de facto
President of the United States for Foreign Policy.  This is no
shirk twerk!  Somebody has to be in charge, and John now
knows you regret not voting for him in 2008.  He is willing to
shake his naughty bits until you beg for Da Bomb!

This tactic has actually been tried before, with very poor political results for Conservatives.  But the Neo-phytes are short on Party history and common sense.  They have come full circle to a solution that attacks their own base in the entitlements pocketbook.  If you are of the opinion that such a move is not entirely rational, then you have not been caught up in the excitement of the Conservative Media Road Show.  It's raucous, its raunchy, and the star performers think they have perfected their moves.

Smirking Twerks
Republican Senators John Cornyn and Mitch McConnell
sent a letter to NFL Commissioner Roger Gooddell asking
that the league not take part in a public service campaign to
educate consumers about Obamacare.  Conservative leaders
do not want the public to know that where the law is not
obstructed it is already reducing insurance costs.  Twenty-six
Conservative-led States have refused to set up insurance
exchanges, thus delaying Obamacare implementation.

So FOX now has its 'youth' appeal, The House has its movers and shakers, and Republicans are back in charge of foreign policy. What could go wrong?  All the dominoes are in place for a 2014 Conservative election landslide.  But before that happens, we can all look forward to some rollicking, ass-shaking good old fashioned fun.  This is not your grandma's Tea Party anymore.  By all means, enjoy the ride.





*In the U.S. mass shootings are defined as a single incident with 4 or more shooting victims, including incidents of crime and domestic violence. 

Berzerker Twerker
World-class narcissist and future Melanoma patient Vladimir Putin invented political twerking.  There's no Progressive bullsh*t getting a foothold in Russia on his watch.  Say what you will about him, he knows how to move in on a power void when he sees one,
and he is now in control of the Syrian weapons issue, and by default, American military decisions in the Middle East.

You can view the calendar and
other merchandise at DCCC.org

House of Scandal
By Muffy Furburger

Muffy Furburger
Resident Sex Expert
Looks like things are particularly hot in
Florida.

Here's one that got by me.  Did you know that the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee produced a calendar revealing Republican financial scandals? There were so many GOP fraud investigations within a two year period (2011-2012) that the DCCC were able to produce a House of Scandal calendar, meant to be a revenue producer for the Democratic Party.  Interesting, but very likely a marketing failure, as I can't see where the effort continued after September, 2012.  I don't think the calendars flew off the shelves.  I can only speculate that Republican financial plots just aren't as appealing as the antics of horny Democrats.  Of great concern, yes, but not the thing to keep tongues wagging around the water cooler.

As a general rule, Democratic scandals tend to be sex scandals, eliciting much more media attention than the tax dodging, book-cooking efforts of the GOP.  That is not to say that Republicans do not get caught having the occasional men's room toe-tapping adventure, or that Democratic politicians are incapable of cheating on their taxes along with their long-suffering wives.  Both sides can embrace corruption.  They are politicians after all.


The calendar idea seemed unique.  It just lacked the pizzazz that a good titillating sex romp provides.  Perhaps it would have been more successful had they tarted it up a bit and added some spicy imagery.  So I have taken the opportunity to suggest how things might have been presented to boost appeal for the Liberal consumer:

Re-presenting the House of Scandal, Republicans Under Investigation Pin-up Calendar for 2012:

JANUARY, 2012
Florida Representative
VERN BUCHANAN
Naughty Vern is under investi-
gation for violations of Fed-
eral election laws.  Vern
allegedly devised a scheme
whereby his employees were
reimbursed for donations to
his campaign, thus allowing
him to exceed legal donation
limits.  Vern wanted the amount
of donation money coming in
to "make him look good".
Well, nasty Vern certainly
does!  Our Mr. January is
the House Fundraising Chief
and Treasury Secretary of
the House of Representatives.
What magnificent testicular
fortitude!

FEBRUARY, 2012
New York Representative
MICHAEL GRIMM

Our bootylicious Michael is facing a
possible FBI probe for extortion.  What
a lucky guy!  Foxy Grimm allegedly
extorted campaign contributions from a
Rabbi.  He is also being investigated in the
House for other 'undisclosed' violations of
House Rules.  Oh Michael, you nasty,
nasty boy!  I'd be happy to meet you in
an undisclosed location.

MARCH, 2012
California Representative
MARY BONO MACK
and husband, former
Florida Representative
CONNIE MACK

This passionate couple is accused
of cheating on their taxes.  They
claimed exemptions in both
Florida and California.  They will
likely survive the tax scandal un-
scathed, but unfortunately their
marriage won't.  In March of this
year the couple announced their
plans to divorce.  Good news for
tax dodge groupies!  This
desirable duo will be back on the
market soon.

APRIL, 2012
Former
Florida Representative
CLIFF STERNS

Sultry Sterns allegedly offered
money and bribes to potential
Republican Primary opponent
James Jett to abandon a bid to 
run during the 2012 Primary
season.  Jett recorded every
conversation and reported 
them to the FBI.  Sterns lost
the Primary election, and the
FBI has not pursued the case.
Jett is still crying foul and 
demanding to know why the
FBI hasn't acted.  We can
certainly guess.  Look at those
luscious legs!

MAY, 2012
Former
Florida Representative
DAVID RIVERA

This tempting bit of joy and his
investigation are still HOT,HOT,
HOT!  He is much desired by the
FBI and the IRS.  David allegedly
used campaign dollars as a slush
fund to pay for personal expenses
for himself and some lucky lady
companions.  He was then also
reimbursed for them, and took
deductions on his taxes.  He
pursued legislation for his
mother's gaming company and
was able to funnel $500,000 to
her, with $100,000 coming back
to him.  Looks like he's got
gaming in his blood too.  He
has also been caught lying to
the FBI.  Ooh you little stinker!
You'll become the darling of your
cell block when they get a load of
those pecs!

JUNE, 2012
Ohio Representative
JIM RINACCI

This hunk of burning love is
currently under investigation by
the FBI for alleged campaign
violations.  It's the same story as
Mr. January.  A crony allegedly
reimbursed employees for
donations made, yadda, yadda,
yadda.  Don't worry about Jim,
he's very resilient.  Yes, Jim is
 very flexible indeed!

JULY, 2012
Florida Representative
VERN BUCHANAN

Oh look who's back!  Steamy sex
toy Mr. January is now facing a
Federal Grand Jury.  Much of
the alleged evidence against Vern
came from people he tossed to
the wolves in attempt to pass
blame.  Best friend of 20 years
Tim Mobley was convicted in
March, 2013, for making illegal
contributions to Vern's campaign.
Business parter Sam Kazran says
Buchanan pressured him to lie in
an affidavit.  Keep screwing them
all, you sexy beast!  Your lust
for money and power is highly
erotic.

AUGUST, 2012
Former Monroe County, New York
County Executive
MAGGIE BROOKS

Passionate Maggie oversaw a County organization
rife with corruption.  She allegedly used govern-
ment contracted labor on her campaign.  Cronies
got jobs and contracts.  Fifteen people involved
have pleaded guilty to various crimes that defrauded
taxpayers of an estimated $1,000,000.  A 2011 audit
by the New York State Comptroller alleges that
Brook's administration misled the City Legislature
into approving a $99,000,000 contract with the
Upstate Telecommunications Company (UTC) that
"smacked of favoritism and has cost millions more
than necessary".  The three UTC Board Members
were cronies, and two of them can't remember
ever attending a board meeting.  Probably because
they were too dazzled by voluptuous Maggie!

SEPTEMBER, 2012
Failed Candidate for
Nevada Senator
DANNY TARKANIAN

Charismatic Danny has run for
several State Offices and lost.  In
2010 he made a failed bid for
Senator from Nevada.  The main
thrust of that campaign was to
convince voters that his
African-American opponent was
just pretending to be black.  I like
a man that thinks outside the box.
He is Mr. September because he
defaulted on a $17,000,000 loan
 for a proposed horse ranch.
The FDIC foreclosed on a parcel
of land intended to be used for the
business.  While appealing their
ruling, Tarkanian quietly moved
$300,00. in personal loans to
his campaign for Nevada Senator.
He is the registered agent for a
scheme that tricked 400 people
into sending $2,000,000. in
donations.  He also allegedly
helped incorporate at least 13
fraudulent charities that scammed
people through telemarketing
schemes.  This X-rated lover
really knows how to turn on
the charm!  Good luck, Danny.
Keep following your bliss.

The Syrian Quadrille
Malice in Wonderland II, Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There 
By Emma X
With Apologies to Lewis Carroll

Emma X
"Everything's got a moral, if
only you can find it."

"In a wonderland they lie, dreaming as the days go by."

"Will you strike a little faster?", said McCain to 'Bama frail.

"There's a pollster close behind us, and he's whipping up a gale.

How eagerly we wait now, we want you to advance.

Send up those loaded missiles.  We want to start the dance!"

"Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you start the dance?" 

"Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you start the dance?"

"You can really have no no notion how delightful it will be

to bomb those evil muzzies, whichever tribe they be."

But Rand Paul said, "Too far, too far!" and gave a look askance.

He'll grandstand in the hearings, but he will not join the dance.

"Will not, can not, will not, can not, will not join the dance."

"Will not, can not, will not, can not, will not join the dance."

"Who cares about the Allies," said Kerry rather snide,

"There's another shore in Europe upon the other side.

If England will not help us, we'll turn our eyes to France.

Will wonders never cease?  They will join us in the dance!"

"Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance?"

"Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance?"

Obama has the wherewithal, except where he does not.

He's passing that potato and the spud is warhead hot.

Not wanting to get burned himself, he's left it all to chance.

Will Congress vote to strike?  Will they join him in this dance?

"Will they, can they, should they, won't they, should they join the dance?"

"Will they, can they, should they, won't they, should they join the dance?"

The Hawks are not quite sure.  "Could this be a Liberal trap?"

The Doves are all a flutter.  Their wings are in a flap.

Congress in their wisdom doesn't have a solid stance.

"Will this action leave us open for another Mid East dance?"

"Will we, won't we, will we, won't we start a Mid East dance?" 

"Will we, won't we, will we, won't we start a Mid East dance?"

The fear of Western Nations for such a hostile push

Reminds them of Iraq and the Quadrille of Georgie Bush.

And though he is not spoken of, the world still looks askance.

This fear is what he left us; this looks like his big dance.

"Will we, won't we, will we, won't we start a George Bush dance?"

"Will we, won't we, will we, won't we start a George Bush dance?"

The U.N. cannot act in this; forgive my being blunt,

but they have all been hijacked on the Russian/Chinese front,

and though they see the evil, they will not take a stance.

Politics prevent them from a vote to join the dance.

"Will they, won't they, will they, won't they vote to join the dance?"

"Will they, won't they, will they, won't they vote to join the dance?"

Meanwhile, Assad in Syria, has time to drain his cup.

"Thank you Western Leaders for the very big 'heads up'!

My weapons are with Hezbollah, my planes are saved from chance.

Go ahead and take your time.  I will not fear your dance."

"Will not, will not, will not, will not, will not fear your dance."

"Will not, will not, will not, will not, will not fear your dance."

Crossing the Red Line in Wonderland
"When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean--
neither more, nor less."