Saturday, September 21, 2013

Twerkin' For a Living
By Emma X

Emma X
"I came up in this Party time
to twerk!"

The fall season is upon us, and with it comes a new session of Congress.  Our intrepid political warriors return to an America that is struggling on domestic and international fronts.  The fate of Syria may rest in their hands.  The future of Obamacare and the financial health of America teeter of the whim of a House vote. There have been 250 mass shootings* in America in 2013, or an average of one per day, and its only September.  And need I point out, one year from now we face another Congressional election, one that many believe will determine the fate of the Republican Party ongoing. 

Clerk for Twerk Hasselbeck
"In best hands at Fox and Friends"

FOX News hopes to improve ratings by adding
former VIEW co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck to
the Fox and Friends couch.  In her first week she
did not disappoint.  She blamed gun violence on
video games and suggested purchasers be mon-
itored for hours of use.  She said the Hillary Clinton
Benhazi investigation left top officials off the
hook.  She asked Donald Trump if Obama should
be giving up his Nobel Peace Prize.  And she re-
peated the oft-told FOX lie that Congress has been
granted special Presidential dispensation to opt out of
Obamacare.  That's ripping and reading right off of
the Rupert Murdoch direct fax machine.  We agree
 you're in the best hands at FOX, Lizzy.  Keep on
 twerkin' it for daddy.

Wow.  TV Networks would kill for a cliff-hanger reality show like this one.  How will it all work out? Well, stay tuned.  The far right thinks they know. They believe that 2014 Democratic candidates will all go home post election without a rose, because Republicans have faith in their own philosophical sex appeal. Regardless of what polls tell them, they have been out there twerkin' the message.  

Twerk Jerk Ted Cruz spent his Congressional holiday
making his case for closing down the government. Old school
Republicans have warned that a government shutdown will be
blamed on Conservatives, but Cruz knows that if 42 votes to

repeal Obamacare won't work, shaking down the whole
 electorate will.
While lazy, Godless Democrats were enjoying the August break, the righteous rabid right was out on the road trying to convince Americans that shutting down the government is the only moral option available to us. Obamacare is a Progressive cancer that threatens the financial stability and the well being of our country.  The cure? Threaten the financial stability and well being of our country!

Aged Beef Twerky
John McCain has been working his own voter base to gain public
support for bombing Syria.  He goaded Obama into establish-
ing the 'red line' and abused him publicly for not enforcing it.
He knows who's good and who's bad in Syria, because he
went there himself and they told him.  He is now the de facto
President of the United States for Foreign Policy.  This is no
shirk twerk!  Somebody has to be in charge, and John now
knows you regret not voting for him in 2008.  He is willing to
shake his naughty bits until you beg for Da Bomb!

This tactic has actually been tried before, with very poor political results for Conservatives.  But the Neo-phytes are short on Party history and common sense.  They have come full circle to a solution that attacks their own base in the entitlements pocketbook.  If you are of the opinion that such a move is not entirely rational, then you have not been caught up in the excitement of the Conservative Media Road Show.  It's raucous, its raunchy, and the star performers think they have perfected their moves.

Smirking Twerks
Republican Senators John Cornyn and Mitch McConnell
sent a letter to NFL Commissioner Roger Gooddell asking
that the league not take part in a public service campaign to
educate consumers about Obamacare.  Conservative leaders
do not want the public to know that where the law is not
obstructed it is already reducing insurance costs.  Twenty-six
Conservative-led States have refused to set up insurance
exchanges, thus delaying Obamacare implementation.

So FOX now has its 'youth' appeal, The House has its movers and shakers, and Republicans are back in charge of foreign policy. What could go wrong?  All the dominoes are in place for a 2014 Conservative election landslide.  But before that happens, we can all look forward to some rollicking, ass-shaking good old fashioned fun.  This is not your grandma's Tea Party anymore.  By all means, enjoy the ride.

*In the U.S. mass shootings are defined as a single incident with 4 or more shooting victims, including incidents of crime and domestic violence. 

Berzerker Twerker
World-class narcissist and future Melanoma patient Vladimir Putin invented political twerking.  There's no Progressive bullsh*t getting a foothold in Russia on his watch.  Say what you will about him, he knows how to move in on a power void when he sees one,
and he is now in control of the Syrian weapons issue, and by default, American military decisions in the Middle East.

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