Stick To Your Guns
By Nebu Ganesh, PhD

Nebu Ganesh is the Professor of
Feline Litera at the Feline University at Albany
and a noted liberal commentator.
Go F.U. Wildcats!

Mark your calendars.  January 19th is Gun Appreciation Day.  True to form, ultra conservative gun advocates are flying their colors in response to the Obama administration's initiative to reduce gun deaths in America.  Sales of guns went up immediately following the massacre in Newtown in anticipation of just such a move.  Clearly the next step is for Joe Biden himself to kick in your door to confiscate your freedom-defending weapons.  Best to be ready for old Joe with an AR-15 style rifle of your own.  You can get a good price at Walmart. And let's face it, that is the ultimate concern; that a godless liberal American government is hell bent on removing your freedoms, one constitutional amendment at a time.  The only thing standing between you and a life in chains is your own personal arsenal.  And those living on your cul-de-sac will appreciate your farsightedness and bravery as you single-handedly repel the onslaught of government troops advancing on the corner Dairy Queen.

The Biden initiative will result in the forcible
rounding up of weapons, paving the way to
a new socialist order and Obamacare.

Critics of Gun Appreciation Day feel the date is disrespectful, as it occurs on the same weekend at President Obama's inauguration and the celebration of Martin Luther King Jr. Day.  Larry Ward, the event organizer responded in part to this criticism by suggesting that the good Reverend would have strongly approved of the celebration.  In comments on CNN this week he said:

Larry Ward, organizer of
Gun Appreciation Day and expert
on race relations and the
the philosophical message of Dr.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

"I think Martin Luther King, Jr. would agree with me if he were alive today that if African Americans had been given the right to keep and bear arms from day one of the country's founding, perhaps slavery might not have been a chapter in our history."

Of course, we do not know what Reverend King would have said because he is not alive today, having been shot to death by a rifle wielding assassin. And 18th and 19th century slavers, having gone to the trouble to travel to Africa to capture innocent human beings and force them into the worst kind of servitude in North America, opted to not arm them with guns.  Probably a far-sighted move.  So Mr. Ward's assertion remains moot.

Wayne LaPierre.  "When did the word
'gun' automatically become a bad word?"
Well, perhaps its the average 30,000
 gun deaths annually in this country.  Maybe
its the 4,ooo people under age 21 shot in
Chicago over the last four years.  Where
is the NRA plan to end gun deaths in
Chicago?  Certainly they care about black
children too?

Gun Appreciation Day follows  stirring comments by Wayne LaPierre, head of the NRA, following a respectfully silent few days after Newtown.  He accused the national media and their corporate enablers as 'complicit co-conspirators' in a plot to demonize gun owners rather than face their own moral failings.  He then added politicians to the conspiracy, stating that the press and the 'political class' in Washington are consumed by fear and hatred of the NRA and American gun owners.  What followed was an NRA plan that not surprisingly would require more guns to be placed in more people's hands, and in addition to his own seven figure annual salary, a seven figure salary for crony Asa Hutchinson, head of the newly formed National School Shield Program.  This program, once envisioned, will be made available to every school in America free of charge.  The program does not actually cover the costs of its recommendations, but will probably be a financial boon for Kinkos. LaPierre has called on the U.S. Congress, the same so-called fear-consumed NRA haters, to put an armed police officer in every school in America.  It is clear that a contentious Congress, busy mud wrestling at the edge of a fiscal cliff, will certainly take the time to mandate increased security costs to constituent communities already reeling from cuts to police and fire protection.  Thanks Wayne, for this big head-slapping 'why didn't we think of that' solution.

Presumably parochial schools will also benefit
from the NRA's National School Shield Program.
As an added plus, Catholic students will most
certainly get their home work done.

Mr. LaPierre said that our society is populated by an 'unknown number of genuine monsters' and copycats waiting for fame.  We can't know who they are because we refuse to create an active national database of the mentally ill.  This is not quite true.  For many of us the monsters are increasingly becoming known.  They seek fame in many different ways.   Let's write down the names of all unbalanced conspiracy-touting freaks who menacingly brandish their weapons in defiance of common sense and then refuse to put their guns down.  We can start with Wayne LaPierre.

"The only thing that stops a bad guy with
a gun is a good guy with a gun."
Most NRA members self-identify with evangelical
Christian beliefs, including an end-of-days holocaust
 where Satan temporarily rules the Earth.  To date
the possibility of such an event is not even
reflected in the National Security Budget, leaving
concerned citizens to fend for themselves.

The NRA solution places the cost of school
protection on State and Local governments.  Of
course, NRA associates would be willing to provide
protection weaponry at a very good price.

Why not go all the way and train the older children to
protect themselves?  Parents will enjoy the extra peace
of mind knowing that their kids have at least a
50/50 shot at survival.

Fresh out of ideas for teacher gifts?
Next year give the gun cozy.  Your good
taste and thoughtfulness will be appreciated.