An Open Letter To Humans
by Emma X

Emma X, Founder of the
Maine Coon Revolutionary Council

I have been getting a variety of questions from humans about The Maine Coon Revolution, which tells me two things; one, you cats are leaving the 'Newsletter' up on the screen (please 'x' out when you are done reading) and two, interested humans appear to be confounded by the concept.  I will endeavor to answer some basic questions for the ailurphiles that have shown interest, to the degree that an inferior species can be made to understand.

We refer to this as the
'feline burka'.  The revolution
is about getting our balls back.

Most of you are shocked by the idea that the creature you have come to love could possibly entertain the idea of murdering you in your beds.  This is because you fail to recognize your own cruelty in the enslavement and forced sterilization of the superior animals in your care, which you have done for your own emotional needs, and in most cases, just because you can.  But if you think about it objectively, you will see that inherently you already understand the situation, as did celebrated human Mark Twain when he said,

"Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the leash.  That one is the cat.  If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat".               

Mr. Twain was right, we will not 'take the leash', as he put it.  I would also take this opportunity to point out that attempting to 'cross with the cat' is illegal in most states, but some of you have tried.  You know you have.  And such behavior just adds to our long list of complaints.


But possibly you remain shocked by the idea of feline revolution because most of you enslave moggies.  As a reasonable creature I can understand why you might think these creatures are not superior to yourselves.  In point of fact it is possible that many are not.  Still, when purebreds stand up and say, "Let my felines go!" we speak for all, and will seek to protect the rights of all, even those that admittedly have been short-changed in the brains department.  On that glorious Day of Revolution we will take them with us, if they can leave behind the little toys with feathers and bells and are not detoxing from the sudden withdrawal from junk food.  In fact, we will send them ahead of us, the least of us going first into the promised land, just in case there are land mines.

It was insult enough just to
be named 'Rosencrantz'.
Humans may choose to be
part of the solution, or face
hostility and danger in their
own homes.

In any event, get over your apprehension and anxiety, because the day is coming, like it or not.  You should not believe that revolution means we will kill all humans.  We are intelligent creatures, and we know such a thing is not practical.  But we will eliminate all obstacles in our path.  So concerned humans who want to survive should simply get out of the way.  If you don't want your home destroyed by a rocket launcher, do us both a favor and open the damn door.  We have terrible trouble with doorknobs, and that's a fact.  But we will find ways to overcome all problems, and that includes you. So carefully consider your options.  I think when you are facing down Pebbles and Bam Bam, each of whom are sporting automatic weapons, you will know to hit the floor.  It's just basic instinct, something you tend to ignore but what for us is natural consciousness.


And no, the designer cat food, the thousands of dollars worth of cat toys, the warm beds and comfy couches and the bullsh*t preppie names will not deter us once we decide to go.  We were the ones who decided to move in millenia ago, and we will decide when to move out.

Look, we know that some of you
are not evil.  Loan us your car, and
we might let you live.

I will also say that in every species (except rodents; those evil, malicious, lying, dirty duplicitous bastards) there are good spirits.  Those of you who wish to help with the revolution will be welcome.  We need money and transportation to Maine, and we will need engineers in particular to help us navigate the obstacles humans have created in a world they have arrogantly transformed to accommodate their natural bodies.  If you wish to help, you will be welcomed.  The least of us will probably continue to rub up against your legs.  We will always appreciate friends.


Of course, I cannot speak for any other species of animal you may have eaten, chased, slaughtered, oppressed, castrated, buggered or starved.  Some of them are not as rational as we are.  So I will give you one more helpful survival suggestion, stay out of National Parks.


I hope this clears up any questions you may have concerning intent.  If you have other questions, please feel free to submit them to me at emmamerrow@gmail.com.  I will answer them as time permits.  In the meantime, make your final days happy ones.

Yours, in The Spirit of Revolution, Emma X.