Tits and Grass
by Emma X

Emma X
Feline, Female and Fabulous!

When I saw Mitt Romney speaking in front of the NAACP I had to tweet his cat, my friend 'Mittens', and congratulate him.  I recognized his hand in that farce immediately.  Mittens and I do not agree on politics, but we do agree for the most part that humans are pretty funny in all their political dances, and he has become famous over the years for helping ridiculous situations along, thus creating in this case one of the best moments in TV comedy ever.


Mittens embraces an 'organic' approach to power.  He feels that whoever can grasp and hold power deserves it.  Let the humans struggle for position.  A smart cat need only rub up against the right legs to enjoy the spoils.  Mittens has been rubbing powerful legs for many years, and enjoying a cushy life style.  He has also gained access to secret information and contacts enjoyed by the rich and powerful.

Mittens Romney,
one of the greatest political humorists
of our time.

 Mittens is not a revolutionary.  He is happy just clawing the antique furniture in the Romney's six homes.  But he was the one who got a Swiss bank account for the MCR when none were to be had, and he has been invaluable with advice about money placement in the Cayman Islands.  I really shouldn't mention it, but he also knows money launderers and arms dealers worldwide, mainly through his contacts with other LDS pets. But his value to me in building a new feline world order is nothing compared to the laughs he provides in pursuit of his own 'good life'.

Booed at the NAACP.
Mitt doesn't understand
why minorities think he's
out of touch.

It was Mittens, for example, that convinced Mitt to put the dog on the roof of the car when they went on vacation.  Mitt was hesitant at first, but Mittens kept telling him, "No really, he wants to ride there.  Look, he keeps saying, 'roof', 'roof'."  Mittens even convinced him to keep the poor cur up there until the dog was so upset he got diarrhea.  My God, how we laughed.  Mittens really has become a legend in the annuls of catdom for that prank.  But not to rest on his laurels, a few weeks ago he convinced Mitt to give his standard anti 'Obamacare' speech in front of the NAACP.  Even as I am writing this I am hyperventilating with laughter just thinking about it.  You see, Mitt has had very few dealings with black people.  I can tell you with certainty that there are no black cats in the Romney very extended family.  But even politicians with a social consciousness know enough to avoid issues that take focus away from jobs and the economy. Somehow Mittens was able to convince Mitt that people of color would like him a lot if they got to know him a little, and he told him to just go out there and be himself.  Mittens then peed in Romney's golf shoes and set up the DVR to tape.


Now you would think that Mitt would start to get wise to the questionable advice he was getting from his cat, but a few days later when Mitt was upset that people wouldn't believe that he had no input into a company for which he was owner and sole stockholder, Mittens told him he could 'resign retroactively' prior to any year in question.  Sure enough, two days later a senior campaign advisor came out and announced just that.  Another coup for Mittens.

Mittens says that Mitt is really a very nice
guy.  His charity is the Mormon Church,
and he gives generously.  Mitt knows for a
fact that LDS charities are using the money
to solve social problems for poor black
people in Alabama.

Mittens doesn't know why Mitt is so reticent to let folks know that he is richer than Croesus and has an obscene amount of tax-free money stashed all over the world. Americans love heroic scale, and can certainly appreciate the hutzpah in a tax dodge of this magnitude.  We desperately want to be number one at something these days; why not greed and deception?  Who is better at duplicity than the American elite class? Nobody!  But Mitt is uncomfortable with the idea that some people won't like him.  That's why he started to sing patriotic songs at rallies.  You guessed it, Mittens told him he had an outstanding singing voice.

Bainsy doesn't understand
the underwear stunt either.

Mittens doesn't just lend his talents to Mitt's political career.  He's quite the cut-up at home as well.  He has a short-hair house mate named 'Bainsy'.  Every once in a while, Mittens forces Bainsy to dress up in Mormon underwear and meet the family at the door. I'm told they don't know whether to be pleased or disturbed.  But it seems there is now a special council in the LDS Church trying to determine on a scriptural basis if animals have souls, and a merchandiser waiting in the wings to market Mormon pet underwear.  The results are of particular interest to the Romney family, who may have to increase their post-mortem baptism budget to include deceased family pets.


Despite what you might think right now, Mittens actually wishes Mitt well.  He knows that Mitt's ultimate goal in all he does is to achieve Exultation in the next life, and evidently the first office in the Mormon after-world costs a bundle.


And oh yes, the title for this blog entry was suggested by Mittens.  I told him that readers seemed to gravitate towards the blogs with more salacious titles and words like 'cannabis'.  He immediately suggested 'Tits and Grass', with this content:

Two big beautiful juicy tits,
not unlike the birds we will
hunt and eat when we all
live in the wild once again.

The grass fields where we will romp in
the Great State of Maine.

Ha!  Mittens got one over on you, too.

Yours in the Spirit of Revolution,   Emma X