Saturday, February 9, 2013

Massaging the Message
By Emma X

Emma X
If you are going to put lipstick
on a pig, make it a nice coral
shade for spring.
The Republican Party has announced that they will be undergoing some serious renovations.  They have determined that the reason they suck at winning national elections is that they have not fully explained their message.  Minorities and women, beleaguered workers, poor people and the disabled just don't understand how Republican policies will benefit them.  So after serious soul searching and a gentleman's agreement to tone down hyperbole, conservatives are redecorating their brand to create more sparkle and appeal for middle and working class voters.
Republicans agree they need to change their image
and improve the appearance of The House.  The
party base will have to agree on a new color scheme
of muted browns.

Their main focus will be on the Hispanic demographic, as conservative analysts have determined that just a skosh more Gerrymandering and poll manipulation in key states like Florida would have produced a Romney presidency.  So while red state legislatures continue to redraw constituencies, would-be party leaders will get out the new improved message; tired, poor huddled masses yearning to be free will find their respite in the caring arms of the new Republican Party.  They just don't know it yet.

Latino and Hispanic voters will be delighted
that Republicans will propose a path to citizenship.  At
 last, a comprehensive process that will allow a person
already here only twenty odd years or so to complete.
Just so they don't stay and have anchor babies.  Wait
 a minute, maybe they could use birth control.  The
Government could provide....oh shit.  Back to the
drawing board.

New party rhetoric will focus on fiscal conservatism, and eschew other issues that the pesky middle class finds inflammatory. Republican elected officials will cease talking about women's hoohas and stop trying to legislate their use.  There will be more sensitivity expressed about immigration issues, since as far as they can see, all brown people are related.  There will be more 'big tent' talk, and less petty bickering in conservative ranks.  Bobby Jindal has set an initial low bar, which is to not look stupid.  It seems like a good plan.

An enlightened Republican Party will no longer
tolerate divisive rhetoric.  Self-deportation, anchor babies,
women's bodies, origins of climate change, various kinds
of rape, takers and parasites, the age of the earth and the
evils of modern science are all on a long list of subjects that
will be reserved for backroom political smokers.  Ownership
of Jesus and the Founding Fathers is still under debate.

Of course, we haven't heard how they will herd in the 27% or so of the lunatic fringe at the party base.  Getting these people to change their divisive rhetoric will not be easy, as hate speak has become big business, and mainstream Republican candidates do not hesitate to use the money and mechanisms of right wing propaganda machines to further their own interests.  To ask them to tone it down now is at best rude, and probably not realistic.  If the foundation is crumbling and the pipes are rusty, a new coat of paint will only go so far at improving things.  Still, the party that transformed Corporate Raiders into Job Creators is probably creative enough to put a positive spin on anything.  Get ready for a new positive narrative focused on inclusion.

Republicans remain committed to their vision of American family values.
They will keep their rose colored glasses, but will try to re-imagine conservative policies
in different hues.

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