Saturday, December 8, 2012

Its a Wonderful Life Anyway
by Mittens Romney

Mittens Romney, Mitt Romney's cat.
Overcome life's disappointments
by continuing to pursue your bliss.
Hi everybody!  It's me, Mittens.  I just wanted to thank everyone who took the time to ask about me after Mitt's devastating loss in the Presidential run.  I am just fine, thank you, and so is Bainsy.  Sure, we are a little disappointed; we saw the White House Christmas trees on TV and were already planning our race to the top of each one next year.  But I guess in this family a race to the top is history.  Life goes on.
Reaching the top is every cat's dream,
but alas it was not to be.

I wouldn't have minded being first kitten, and I did tell Bainsy that we could chase the rabbits in Mrs. Obama's back yard garden before they plowed it up to plant subsidized corn, but no one should feel sorry for us.  We have a wonderful life with more exciting adventures ahead of us.

In this post election environment only Obama thought
that Mitt might have some valid input.  I don't think he
was rubbing Mitt's nose in it, but Mitt felt like that was
the case anyway.

Mitt had lunch at the White House with 'deep pockets' Obama last week, and I heard him tell Ann that it was a hovel compared to what the California house will look like when he is done renovating.  She will be able to take Rafalca up to her own French Provincial third floor stall with the car elevator.  So see?  No worries here.

From time to time I do feel guilty though, because I sometimes think that if I hadn't given Mitt some bad advice he may have fared better in the polls.  On the other hand, he was naive enough to take it.  Perhaps the country is better off. Cripes, it was just a few silly goofs.  Who knew brown people were so sensitive? I wish he would get over it.
Republicanism is a religion that shuns failure.
Mitt is devastated that he has been sent into the
same political exile as 'he who cannot be named'.

I think he is less upset with me though than he is with the Republican Party generally. He really expected to win...he really did.  And when he didn't he thought, well, he would be sort of the ex post facto Party Leader, and they would all come to comfort him and commiserate with him and ask him for sage advice.  He may even have thought they would start to plan the 2016 run.  But they have dropped him completely. I mean its as if he personally wrote the definition of 'legitimate rape'.  Even I have to say that these are truly unfeeling people.  I will admit that I was no help when I inadvertently left my iPad in the living room and Mitt found out that Bobby Jindal has been texting me every day.

Bobby Jindal is testing political
 waters and reaching out for
support.  He may be more naive
than Mitt about race.  Bobby be-
lieves that the same old white men
 that spent hundreds of millions to
extracate Obama from the White
 House will be eager to see him go
 in.  I can't wait to go to work on
his exploratory committee.
So in the first few weeks Mitt said screw them all.  He said screw Michigan.  He all but bought that state and they didn't carry him.  He  went out and aquired a new Audi Q7.  It's a really bitchin' ride. Those Bratislavans can really put together a car,  and as soon as I can teach Bainsy how to press on the gas pedal with a two by four we're going to put that baby through some paces.  And even though he lost Mitt went to Disney World anyway. That's thinking outside the box!  I believe he came dangerously close to drinking a caffeinated beverage.  But eventually the anger dissipated and he stopped rebelling.  He went back to the Board of Directors at Marriot, the bullshit job where he hangs out between power pushes. Its's sort of his malt shop. He's always welcome there.
Mitt bought the black one.  He has zero sense of irony.
A few more driving lessons and this sweetheart is going places.

So things have settled in to a new normal.  Mitt is busy, Ann spends less and less time screaming at God, and Bainsy and I are back to our regular routine.  Every once in a while one or two hundred of the grandkids drop by, but then things get quiet again.

Bainsy dressed as Joseph Smith.
I try to make every holiday special.

This is going to be a good Christmas.  I am putting together a kinky Joseph Smith costume for Bainsy to wear.  It includes real golden plates (courtesy of the RNC, where I still have signing authority) and a replica warrant for Smith's arrest in Ohio.  I made the beard out of half of Rafalca's tail.  Trust me, it will go over big.  And I think the mail order horse suppositories will arrive by then too.  I'm telling you, life is good.  Its what you make of it that counts.  Happy Holidays Everybody!

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