Lost in Translation
Excerpts from The NEO Testament
for the Conservative New World
By The Right Reverend Ellsworth Goody

Rev. Ellsworth Goody, PhD.
Professor of Religion and Philosophy,
at New York University Online,
Author of 'Jehovah's Fitness' and
'Religion by Pedigree'.
"Perhaps we never understood the
Conservative Jesus."

Most Tea Party politicians claim Jesus as their spiritual guide and The Bible as their infallable source of philosophical inspiration.  I say most, because some carry around a well worn copy of Atlas Shrugged.  But even they espouse the teachings of Christ as central to their mission, and why not?  It is the tried and true method for garnering money, influence and votes in America's current political climate.

Rand Paul is one of the most influential Tea
Party politicians.  His political philosophy is
a hybrid.  He says he loves Jesus, Ayn Rand
and Led Zeppelin.  His policies lean heavily
toward Objectivism.  They lack a Whole Lotta
Love for the common man, but he feels that
ultimately they are a Stairway To economic
Heaven.  Ayn Rand said, "I am against God.
I don't approve of religion.  It is a sign of
psychological weakness...I regard it as evil."
She hated Ronald Reagan as well.

They have not invented anything new.  A political relationship with God has been going on since the first Shaman stood up from his trance and announced that he had just spoken with The Almighty, and had a message for the tribe.  That savvy cleric invented the politics of religion, and at that moment would-be rulers learned that the most effective way to control the populace is to link the will of God with the duty of the people.  We have been living with the 'God and King' or "God and Country' model of government ever since.

Jesus presenting the Pilgrims with the NEO
Testament.  "This day I give unto you a NEO
Testament.  Only you and your decendants
will be able to successfully interpret my
words.  Enjoy the New World and do what
you want with it.  The Earth is only temp-
orary after all.  By the way, the first thing
you need to do is put a lid on those natives.
May I suggest some plague infested
blankets?"

It was in the spirit of The Enlightenment, though, that the American experiment was born.  The idea that all men are equal and able to establish their own representative government was radically new, emphasizing personal worth beyond that of the Greek model.

Jesus feeding the multitude.
And he said unto them, "Give these loaves and fishes
to the hungry multitude, but charge them eight shekels
each.  I know its a rip-off price, but where else can
they go?  I tell you now, there is no free ride in heaven."
Matthew 14:13, The NEO Testament for the
Conservative New World.

Ironically, one of the most influential philosophies contributing to a belief in individual freedoms was that of Jesus of Nazareth.  His words spawned anti-slavery movements, women's suffrage, and the American civil rights movement.  Jesus cared about all people.  So one might logically think that the right wing followers of Jesus would espouse the same principals that He did; feed the hungry, help the poor, heal the sick, etc.  But there seems to be a dichotomy between what conservatives believe, and what they legislate.

Jesus rebuking the Pharisees over unfair
interest rates.  And Jesus spake to them, "You have
made my house a den of thieves.  You are charging
too much interest to the rich.  Lower their rates,
and profits shall trickle down like manna from
heaven."  Luke 16:19, The NEO Testament for
the Conservative New World.

Perhaps that perception is in error. There have been many Biblical translations over the past six millenia.  Maybe Tea Party politicians are in possession of a different tome with a different set of commandments.  Perhaps God, as with The Mormons and The Book of Mormon, presented the Pilgrims with a new book, a NEO Testament if you will, describing what religious immigrants to the New World should be thinking and doing in order to follow Him.  This would explain what appears to be a conflict of moral purpose.  It must be true. Otherwise Conservative Christian politicians look and act like huge honking hypocrites, and we certainly know that's not the case.

The woman taken in adultery.
At dawn the rabbis brought a woman taken
in adultery.  Jesus said, "Let he among you
who is without sin cast the first stone." 
Then he said to one of the Pharisees,
"Ahaz, you don't look very sinful today.
Go ahead and fire away."  Later, Jesus
addressed the crowd.  He said, "Trust
not any unclean thing, nor anything that 
bleedeth for five days, but doth not die."
 John 8:1, The NEO Testament for the 
Conservative New World.

So while it is all conjecture, here are some possible alternatives to the Gospel that would explain Conservative Christian morality. Maybe in the modern world we don't understand Jesus at all.  God bless our Conservative Christian leaders, and the new religious thought they seek to represent.  May they reap all that they sow.

The road to the White House.
Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone
wishes to come after Me, he must deny
Global Warming, and take up his Corporate 
Benefactors' cross and follow Me."
Matthew 16:24, The NEO Testament for the
Conservative New World.

"Render unto Caesar's Palace a regulation-free business environment with a hard edge over the competition, and unto God a 10% piece of the action.  Matthew 22:20, The NEO Testament for the Conservative New World.

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