Premature Ejaculation
by Rand Colbert

Rand Colbert, Stephen Colbert's cat.
audentis fortuna iuvat

Feline nation, the lame street media has gone off the beam again about quotes Mitt Romney made during a May fundraiser in Boca Raton.  That's because they are finally able to do the math.  Mitt tells us that 47% of voters will not vote for him, regardless of what he says or does.  What great news!  That means 53% will!  Mitt wins!  Mitt wins!  Congratulations RNC for a job well done!

FUX News is happy to bring
you this special commentary
 from Rand Colbert as part 
 of our in depth analysis of
 the 2012 election.

Of course, there are those who say that they have been waiting for an opportunity to discover the true Mitt; what he's like personally, what he genuinely believes, what his presidential philosophy will be.  These misguided folks (and I am ashamed to say that there are some conservatives among them) say that Mitt is off script here, that he reveals sentiments that no one running for the highest office would express during a close election, sentiments that surprise them.  Well grow up!  If Mitt has moved beyond the culture of 'truthiness' to actual truth, so be it.  He is merely expressing to a group of his peers exactly what they want to hear at $50,000 a pop.  I don't know what you have been waiting for, but it should not surprise you that Mitt understands America exactly the way they do.  There is no more 'there' there. This is Mitt.  And for you who say this revelation came too soon, that you were expecting a little more sensitivity, that you were not ready for that quick, hard truth, that you have found this whole experience a little painful and abrupt, I say to you as Mitt does that you are responsible for coming to your own conclusion.  Mitt has other important things to do now.  You should move along.

Sarah Palin agrees with me.
She said last week, "He (Mitt)
needs to be severely agressive
in his articulation."  Hell yes
Mitt, ENUNCIATE!

Paul Ryan said that Mitt was "obviously inarticulate" in his comments last May.  Damn straight.  He should have gone much further.  53% of America is ready for the truth!  Seniors on social security, young people, members of the active military, and the working poor make up the 47% of self-anointed victims that are not carrying their weight in this society.  In my opinion Mitt should repeal every part of Obamacare except the death panels.  We need to start to weed out these parasites on the government teat before they suck up all the resources meant for hard working Americans.  Mitt says these people pay no income tax!  Can you imagine such a thing?

Mitt has been quoted as saying that the median
annual income in this country is over $250K.
The average family income in America is actually
between $30K and $60K, or the cost per plate
at Mitt's Boca Raton fundraiser.

For those of you who were just coming around to thinking that Mitt was probably a good guy, that Mormonism might not be a cult like your pastor said, that maybe Christ did visit North America in the 1800s while on vacation and you can vote for Christian values by voting for Mitt, well yes, I suppose these are difficult days.  Still you have to blame your own naivete.  Oprah Winfrey has famously said (yes, I said Oprah) that sooner or later people will show you who they are. When they do, you should extend to them the courtesy of believing it.  Mitt has shown you all along who he was.  You just didn't want to believe it.  You thought he would be more intelligent and insightful, perhaps a bit more generous and slow to react.  Well it's not his fault that he didn't turn out to be your fantasy candidate.  Now take responsibility for your participation, and don't see yourself as a victim.  Mitt doesn't like that.  Its time to reflect on the valuable lesson you have learned here; if somebody has difficulty expressing the values you want to hear, it just may be because they don't believe in them.

The Greatest Generation,
or the greatest entitlement
scam?  Seniors are greedily
sucking revenue out of a
damaged economy and
gambling away America's
future!

I for one am grateful that Mitt can drop the facade of compassionate conservatism going into the presidential debates and proceed with an honest dialogue of rational self interest.  Mitt should be allowed to be himself.  Its only laissez-faire, don't you agree?  America needs to hear Mitt's views on personal responsibility in the market place.  Now there's a potent release that can't come soon enough!

Mitt was criticized for prematurely condemning
comments Obama had not yet made concerning
unrest in the Middle East.  C'mon folks.  We all
know his policy of appeasement with his 'Muslim
Brotherhood'.  Mitt's sage foreign policy
 ejaculations cannot spew forth quickly enough.
  Gas prices are at stake!

The Ultimate Threat.
Mitt says that "The American people are not concentrated
at all upon China, on Russia, Iran, Iraq." but feels we should
be aware of the ever-present threat from the women of 'The
View'.  "The View is high-risk because of the five women on
it.  Although one is conservative and the four are sharp-
tongued and not conservative."  Thank you for saying it,
Mitt.  Elisabeth Hasselbeck is certainly the demure, soft
spoken ideal of the conservative Christian woman, but the
rest of those evil shrewish harpies need to be exposed to the light.
They could all benefit from a legally mandated trans-vaginal probe,
if you know what I mean.