F.E.C.A.L. Matters
Important Information For Raising Christian Kittens
From The FEline Christian ALliance

*****The following is a paid message sponsored by F.E.C.A.L.  Their opinions do not necessarily represent those of the MCR or any other paid advertiser or contributor*****

YOUR MISSION AS PARENTS IS TO TEACH YOUR KITTENS GOOD CHRISTIAN VALUES.

They won't hear it in the kennels or vacant lots.  It is your responsibility as a Christian parent to bring up your kittens in the way that they should go.  Following a few simple conversational guidelines could make a big difference in their lives.  Will they end up as good Christian citizens making a positive contribution to their community, or will they roam the mean streets and end up as road kill?  What you tell them now could make the difference.

TELL THEM THAT GOD LOVES THEM AND HAS A PLAN FOR THEM

The liberal media continues
to promote dangerous cultural
icons designed to influence
young kittens.  Take control
of what they see, hear and read,
and let them know that God
will not tolerate homosexuality.

Make sure your kittens understand the Good News that God loves them, but only if they commit to a fundamental bible-believing evangelical Christian philosophy, eschew catnip and alcohol, vote Republican, engage only in married single-position sex, and never ever dance or watch HBO.

SPEAK FRANKLY ABOUT SIN

Let them know that sex is wrong, enjoyable sex is wrong, and sex with someone of the same gender is wrong, wrong, wrong!

Catnip is a gateway drug.
Explain to your kittens that
what looks like fun is actually
sin, and that the wages of
sin is death.

Explain to them that use of catnip causes improper behavior and will lead to sinful activities.  Tell them that misguided humans will try to get them high for their own amusement, and teach them to firmly say 'NO' to catnip.

Tell them that modern music and entertainment comes straight from the Devil.  They should know that certain cat toys promote wild behavior and are often laced with catnip.  Explain that the only acceptable leisure-time activity for a kitten is reading the bible.

EXPOSE OTHER SPECIES FOR WHAT THEY ARE

The family dog is not good company for your Christian kitten.  Although other family pets may espouse Christianity, we know that only felines have the One True Faith.  Monitor the time your kitten spends with other animals, and make  sure they know that the ersatz good natured DOGma they hear at the food bowl is not Bible-based.

REPEAT THESE MESSAGES DAILY

The scriptures tell us that
the 'lion will lay down with
the lamb' and the felines
will cuddle-up with small
tasty food units.

As loving parents, you can't give the message too much or too often.  Pound these values in every day.  Grab them by the scruff of the neck and shake them if need be.  Even if they seem to resent it now, when you are all together in heaven they will thank you for it.

"Dear Lord, help us to raise virtuous Christian kittens that will not get smashed flat on the road or drowned in brick-filled bags, in Jesus name we pray, Amen".

*****

'Important Information For Raising Christian Kittens' is one of several pamphlets in the F.E.C.A.L. Matters Christian Parenting series.  Other pamphlets in this series are:

'Cats and Dinosaurs; 5,000 Year Of Geological History' 

'Christian Consciousness And The Food Chain; How To Share Christ's Good News With A Small Mammal Before You Kill And Eat It.' 

'The Evils Of Catnip And Hip Hop Music'

'Voting For The First Time; How To Recognize Feline Christian Evangelical Republican Candidates'

'The Virtues Of The Submissive Female;  Why Males Should Eat First, And Eat The Most'

You can get these helpful pamphlets and others at www.felinechristianalliance.org.  The creation and distribution of information like this is only possible through your generous donations.  God wants you to give us money, so send as much as you can.  And be sure to watch the Reverend Hairy Falwell on Animal Planet Tuesdays and Sundays at 2:00, 3:00 and 4:45 a.m.  #MaineCoonRevolutionNewsletter, #MCR