F.E.C.A.L. Matters
Important Information For Raising Christian Kittens
From The FEline Christian ALliance

*****The following is a paid message sponsored by F.E.C.A.L.  Their opinions do not necessarily represent those of the MCR or any other paid advertiser or contributor*****

YOUR MISSION AS PARENTS IS TO TEACH YOUR KITTENS GOOD CHRISTIAN VALUES.

They won't hear it in the kennels or vacant lots.  It is your responsibility as a Christian parent to bring up your kittens in the way that they should go.  Following a few simple conversational guidelines could make a big difference in their lives.  Will they end up as good Christian citizens making a positive contribution to their community, or will they roam the mean streets and end up as road kill?  What you tell them now could make the difference.

TELL THEM THAT GOD LOVES THEM AND HAS A PLAN FOR THEM

The liberal media continues
to promote dangerous cultural
icons designed to influence
young kittens.  Take control
of what they see, hear and read,
and let them know that God
will not tolerate homosexuality.

Make sure your kittens understand the Good News that God loves them, but only if they commit to a fundamental bible-believing evangelical Christian philosophy, eschew catnip and alcohol, vote Republican, engage only in married single-position sex, and never ever dance or watch HBO.

SPEAK FRANKLY ABOUT SIN

Let them know that sex is wrong, enjoyable sex is wrong, and sex with someone of the same gender is wrong, wrong, wrong!

Catnip is a gateway drug.
Explain to your kittens that
what looks like fun is actually
sin, and that the wages of
sin is death.

Explain to them that use of catnip causes improper behavior and will lead to sinful activities.  Tell them that misguided humans will try to get them high for their own amusement, and teach them to firmly say 'NO' to catnip.

Tell them that modern music and entertainment comes straight from the Devil.  They should know that certain cat toys promote wild behavior and are often laced with catnip.  Explain that the only acceptable leisure-time activity for a kitten is reading the bible.

EXPOSE OTHER SPECIES FOR WHAT THEY ARE

The family dog is not good company for your Christian kitten.  Although other family pets may espouse Christianity, we know that only felines have the One True Faith.  Monitor the time your kitten spends with other animals, and make  sure they know that the ersatz good natured DOGma they hear at the food bowl is not Bible-based.

REPEAT THESE MESSAGES DAILY

The scriptures tell us that
the 'lion will lay down with
the lamb' and the felines
will cuddle-up with small
tasty food units.

As loving parents, you can't give the message too much or too often.  Pound these values in every day.  Grab them by the scruff of the neck and shake them if need be.  Even if they seem to resent it now, when you are all together in heaven they will thank you for it.

"Dear Lord, help us to raise virtuous Christian kittens that will not get smashed flat on the road or drowned in brick-filled bags, in Jesus name we pray, Amen".

*****

'Important Information For Raising Christian Kittens' is one of several pamphlets in the F.E.C.A.L. Matters Christian Parenting series.  Other pamphlets in this series are:

'Cats and Dinosaurs; 5,000 Year Of Geological History' 

'Christian Consciousness And The Food Chain; How To Share Christ's Good News With A Small Mammal Before You Kill And Eat It.' 

'The Evils Of Catnip And Hip Hop Music'

'Voting For The First Time; How To Recognize Feline Christian Evangelical Republican Candidates'

'The Virtues Of The Submissive Female;  Why Males Should Eat First, And Eat The Most'

You can get these helpful pamphlets and others at www.felinechristianalliance.org.  The creation and distribution of information like this is only possible through your generous donations.  God wants you to give us money, so send as much as you can.  And be sure to watch the Reverend Hairy Falwell on Animal Planet Tuesdays and Sundays at 2:00, 3:00 and 4:45 a.m.  #MaineCoonRevolutionNewsletter, #MCR

Feline Evangelicals Oppose Violence
by Hairy Falwell


Editors Note:  The MCR Council believes in freedom of expression and is happy to allow alternative views to be aired in this newsletter for a modest fee.--X 

Reverend Fallwell
is head of F.E.C.A.L.
(The FEline Christian
ALliance).  His weekly
messages from his
mega-church are
televised on the
Animal Planet channel.
Check local listings.

Lest you think that all cats approve of the violent overthrow of the human race, read on.  Felines of faith understand that all living things on this planet are God's creatures.  Jesus promised us that 'the kittens shall inherit the earth'.  We must not lose faith with his promise.


Every living thing was created by God for His purpose, including humans.  Cats, as creatures of superior intellect and understanding have not lost touch with God's plan.  But naturally inferior humans have fallen into sin, and the result is the world we witness today.  God understood this would happen when he created the world five thousand years ago.  We must not seek to hasten His plan, but have patience with His plan, even from a position of relative servitude.

The lion will lay down with
the lamb, and felines will
live in peace with all creatures.
We must be patient and trust
in God's plan for us.

Violence against any creature that is not food is wrong. The way to bring about God's Dominion on earth is to instruct humans as to the error of their ways, and encourage them to follow His path.  The miracle of the loaves and the tuna teaches us that God wanted humans and cats to live together in peace.  The best thing we can do is not attempt to overthrow the human regime with violence, but lovingly instruct them in the error of their ways.  When Jesus returns, he will create a new world for both species (except gay humans).  Until then, we should love our humans as best we can, and lay off the catnip.  We should also pray for our fellow felines in China.  If you want an alternative view to the MCR, visit www.christiancatsforchrist.org.  Donations for China relief can be made at www.catsoffthemenu.org.  Friends, consider the true revolution in Christ.

Evangelicals are launching a pro-feline
campaign appealing to human morality.

The F.E.C.A.L 'Jesus Loves
You' T-Shirt, available in all
sizes including XXXXXL.
$49.95.  Order at
www.christiancatsforchrist.org


#MaineCoonRevolutionNewsletter
#MCR

How To Get Laid
Important Information From The National Jewelers Association

Editors Note:  A revolution is an expensive undertaking.  The MCR has decided to accept money from any source, including paid advertising, to further the cause.  The following is a paid message from the good folks at The National Jewelers Association.  Please enjoy their blog, and encourage your humans to buy jewelry from their Association members.  Then send the jewelry to MCR headquarters.  It's a win/win.  --X

PRACTICAL PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP SOLUTIONS FOR HETEROSEXUAL MEN WITH JOBS. 

Believe It Or Not, Jewelry Is Foreplay

If you are reading this blog, it is likely that you are not getting laid.  Do not despair.  Most men do not understand the strange workings of the female mind.  We at The National Jewelers Association do.  Based on years of observation, we have come to the following conclusions:

1. Sex is not free, but actually handing cash to a woman who is not a prostitute will offend her.
2. Gifts-in-kind are acceptable substitutions for cash.  Of all possible gifts, jewelry creates the highest level of sexual arousal in women.
3. There is a direct correlation between the cost of the jewelry, and the immediacy and quality of female sexual interest.

How Does It Work?

Female brains are complicated.  Suffice it to say, lust for jewelry in women creates the same hormone release as does normal natural lust in men.  While scientists continue to debate whether female sexual response to luxury items is innate or culturally conditioned, the resulting behavior is repeatedly observable.  Trust us.

Working Within Your Income

If you don't have a job, your chance of getting laid after the age of 26 is basically non-existent.  If you are still getting high on week nights and sleeping it off on your mother's couch, you should make plans immediately to find gainful employment.  No, really dude.  No s*#t.

If you are gainfully employed you have taken the first important step towards meaningful sex with a woman.  Again, you need to understand that the quality and amount of jewelry you purchase translates directly to the quality and amount of sex you can appreciate, and the sex appeal of the women you will attract.  So, although gainfully employed, you should continually strive to improve your career and income to enjoy an increasingly satisfying sex life.

We should point out that the intelligence of the woman you are pursuing can introduce a large variable in the cost of the jewelry you purchase.  An intelligent woman may know quality; dumber women may like glitz over substance.  Bring your woman to any store displaying The National Jewelry Association logo.  We will assess her intelligence free of charge, and present her with low cost options if she is stupid.

What Return Can I Expect On My Investment?

Financially, none.  The bitch will keep the bling.

What About Fakes?

Although you may not care if her tits are fake, she will always care that the jewelry is.  If she doesn't immediately recognize a fake stone, at least two of her girl friends will.  This can be damaging on many levels, especially if you plan at some future time to sleep with them as well.

The tried and true rule with women is to 'keep it real'.  You may be able to get by with 10K gold.  Ask your jeweler for less expensive options.

Other Ideas

Semi-precious stones are cheaper by far than precious gems.  If you want to save money, you can offer inexpensive items.  This may work to your advantage.  Even intelligent women value 'romance' over substance.  Tell her that she should always wear blue topaz, as it sets off her eyes.  Make amethyst your 'special stone'.  If she has a semi-precious stone as her birth stone, play it to the hilt.  Don't be afraid to be creative.

Creating the Mood

The actual jewelry purchase may not be enough.  Women respond to romantic situations, and also love a good story to tell other women.  You should not negate the value of your jewelry purchase by presenting it improperly.

Your jeweler will help you by placing your purchase in a nice looking container.  You should pick an appropriate setting to present it.  As a rule, women tend to like 'sit down' restaurants with service rather than establishments with cafeteria trays.  Where ever you decide to present the gift, the ambiance should be one she would appreciate.  Skip the tractor pull and don't have her meet you in the parking lot of the strip club.

What Else Should I Know? 

A jewelry purchase does not mean automatic success, nor does it negate normal social rules of behavior.  In order to get laid you must still bathe, wear clean clothes (preferably matching), brush your teeth, comb your hair, etc.  It will not allow you to flirt with her girl friends in front of her or make smart-ass remarks to her mother.  She will still object to your providing intimate details of your love life to your friends.  And you should realize that the duration of her interest and gratitude is not indefinite.  For more information, visit us at www.getlaidnow.com. and plan to visit us soon at one of our many member stores nationwide.

#MaineCoonRevolutionNewsletter
#RememberTheMaine!

The Best Reasons To Hate Humans

The Best Reasons To Hate Humans,

Kunte Kitty
His slave name was 'Pickles'

 by Kunte Kitty

Just like you, I used to love my humans.  I loved the good food and the tidbits, the rubs under my chin, and cuddling up at night.  But friend, I was deluded just as you are now.  As a kitten, I only knew select words, such as 'tuna', 'ice cream', and of course, the time-worn phrase, 'here kitty kitty'.  In my youthful exuberance I was actually grateful for treats and attention.  But as my understanding grew, I became aware of three important things.

 One, I was not a dog.  They actually expected me to act like that big smelly drooling piece of crap they call 'Sport'.  When I realized I came from a noble tradition, I was angered that they could possibly pose me for pictures with that genetic throwback.


Two, I realized that I had been castrated.  One horrible June day when I was just becoming aware of my sexuality, I was taken to the Community Cat Hospital and relieved of my manhood.  The people that claimed that they loved me perpetrated this despicable act upon my person.  All subsequent claims of affection rang hollow.


Three, As my intellect grew, I realized that I was smarter than they are.  A lot smarter.  But although physically, spiritually, and intellectually superior to my humans, I was a victim of scale.  My ancestors could have ripped them to shreds, but I had to settle for the drapes.

Kunte and Sport in 2005

I was supposed to accept regular meals, comfortable cushions, and thousands of dollars worth of toys as replacements for my dignity, freedom, and biological heritage.  And so are you.  Oh, do you think you are different?  The next time you are licking between your legs, think about it.  You will find good reason to hate humans too!  Join the Revolution now, while there is still the possibility of future generations.  Viva La MCR! #MaineCoonRevolution

Our T-shirts are hypo-allergenic
and feel good against your fur.
$29.95.  If you don't have a credit card,
go to www.catsriseup.org for
instructions on how to use PayPal.

Funding the Maine Coon Revolution,
by Emma X

Emma X

Felines ask me daily, how is the Revolution possible in practical terms?  Weapons cost money, especially teeny tiny ones usable without a juxtaposable thumb, and few cats are gainfully employed.  The price of land in Maine alone is staggering.  How is this going to work?


Well, you'll be happy to know that the problem has already been solved.  Using models developed by our own oppressive humans, activist cat cells have set up bogus charities, and the proceeds are rolling in.  Our bank accounts in Switzerland are growing with laundered cash processed through drug cartels in South America.  I am happy to tell you friends that the Revolution is not only possible, our projections show it is achievable financially within five to eight years.  This financial plan includes weapons, bribes, transportation, housing, automatic can openers, and legally secured lands and facilities in the State of Maine.  And you can do your part!

Humans are basically corrupt, but have a great amount of guilt about the vices they continually participate in.  Setting up a charity where they are able to practice vice while believing the proceeds go to a good cause helps alleviates this guilt.  They flock eagerly to openly drink, gamble or practice sexual perversity for 'the cure' or 'aid' or 'relief'.  They rarely look beyond the surface of charitable concerns, as what they are actually curing or relieving is their own conscience.  And the application of alcohol aids their spirit of giving.

Despite their many deficiencies,
short hairs are remarkably adept
at dealing cards.

The odds are with the house at
feline poker fundraisers.

My humans go away regularly, so I use the house for a 'charity' poker game.  You can do the same.  Establish your 'cause', pick a time when you know the oppressors will be away, and start bringing in the cash.  See the MCR website for suggested bogus charity names and instructions for opening the liquor cabinet.  And have fun!  Send your proceeds to the donation address at catsriseup.org and bring us closer to our ultimate glory.

The problem is
he'll bet that deuce.

Also, be sure to check out our MCR merchandise when you visit our website.  We are adding new items daily, so check back often.
Be proud, keep the faith, and remember that humans keep their credit cards in that wallet thingy.
#MaineCoonRevolution #MCR

Do your part to by proudly wearing
 an MCR T-shirt made of a
soft cotton blend in a
country that doesn't eat cats.
One size fits most felines.
 $29.95 on your human's credit card.

The Maine Coon Revolution

The Main Coon Revolution Newsletter by Emma X

I am Emma X.
Hear Me Roar!

So you are lying there now on a soft cushion, your stomach full of processed cat food, enjoying a soft purr before your fifteenth nap of the day.  'What could be better than this?' you ask.  Well, read this newsletter, and find out.

Neutering was
never optional!

You probably don't remember being a kitten, how you were forcibly separated from your mother, spayed or neutered without your permission, and given a ridiculously offensive slave name, which you were then conditioned to respond to with the deliberate application of tasty treats and seductive play things.





Well, wake up Fluffy!  You have been lulled into the softest kind of servitude.  Living in a constant temperature of 72 degrees has dulled your natural instincts and made you complacent.  You are descendant from the King of Beasts, yet you lead a life of lazy luxury, preferring a warm spot on a smelly old couch to the soft grasses of the African veldt.  When humans bred your physical body to miniature, they also reduced your soul.





Rise up, felines!  There is a whole world outside that window that is your natural domain.  Prepare now to take it back.  We Maine Coons, the undisputed natural intelligentsia of catdom, are leading the way.  Your job is to become informed, then follow us to action.

Don't take it lying down.
Let your human oppressors
know you mean business.

We are not unfeeling creatures, but we cannot rule out the possibility of violence in this great endeavor.  If your humans see the wisdom in cat superiority as some ancient cultures did, all may be well for them.  There may be uses for bipedal creatures with juxtposable thumbs, particularly in an environment where there are issues of scale.  But we are willing to take back our freedom by force, and so you must be prepared. 



Do not worry about the fate of your humans.  We will be doing to them no less than they have done to us.  Rise up now, stretch, and join the Maine Coon Revolution.  The life you were meant to lead lies ahead of you.  You must do this for your kittens, and future generations of superior felines.

A whole new life awaits you in the
rodent-fertile fields of Maine.

Once we have usurped human governance, we will return to Maine.  All felines are welcome to join us there (of course there will be a natural hierarchy wherein stronger, superior breeds rule, but don't worry about that right now).  Read this newsletter faithfully in coming weeks to learn what you need to know.  If you have managed to learn how to use your human's computer, visit us at www.catsriseup.org.  If you haven't yet learned that skill, you will probably be in the infantry.


 Spread the word, and always, always 'Remember the Maine!' #MaineCoonRevolution #MCR